I'm not after advice as much as supportive reassurance as I'm leaving my husband this Friday and I'm terrified/excited/sad/happy/having feeling moments of calm/sheer panic.
I've posted situation details before, but 'nutshell' is that I fell out of loving my husband a while ago, and realistically we've never had the 'right' level of emotional intimacy and trust, a lot of our connection was based on a shared interest, and then children etc. We got together when I was 18 and he was 24, were engaged within weeks and bought a house and moved in together six months later. I'm now 42 and we have two children (nearly 16 and 18). So he's all I've ever known in relation to adult relationships.
He's always been one for sulking and what can only be described as tantrums. This came to a head in February when we fell out over decoration of my daughter's bedroom and he stormed out one night, then when he came back he refused to talk to me and my daughter for a month, just shutting himself away in the bedroom. I moved to sleeping downstairs to the lounge at this point and have stayed there.
After a month I was going away for the weekend for work and I wrote him a letter saying that I wanted us to separate. When I got back he was massively full of remorse etc and said he could change. He was so cut up I relented (he took week off work, didn't eat etc), but things didn't really improve between us and it all came to a head in July. We had arguments and discussions and I told him I didn't love him and that I wanted a divorce. The kids were aware of this (not my doing...) and he went back to sitting on the stairs crying, not eating, not talking etc. But we were due to go on a big family holiday shortly after this and I ended up caving and agreeing to give it another go. We went away and it was a bit stressful but the holiday was enjoyable.
However, I knew this wasn't sustainable and I did want to leave, but his arguments and the things that he has said, done and messaged me the previous two times have just made me feel so guilty and I've been so consious of falling back into just agreeing to stay that I decided I needed to physically move out. So I've got an Airbnb from tomorrow for two months and I am going on Friday. He doesn't know so it will be a shock, but I've timed it so it is half term and he will have the week off (he's a teacher) and have spoken with the children (daughter coming with me but will be with dad half the week, son can be flexible).
I have no plan for after the rental comes to an end so may well be moving back home but I just feel like I need to get over the actual leaving part first before I can make new plans. Am I completely insane to be doing this?! I have been in weekly counselling since April and am trying to get my head around this all but as it gets closer I am just doubting myself.