What to do when he says no to a divorce

[relecat]

I've name changed for this.
I'm wondering if anyone can share their experiences of pushing through a divorce when their husband does not want to divorce. I know I can "just" do it legally but the practicalities of living with someone who is not going to be co-operative while the process is ongoing are enormous. We have three secondary school aged children.

Our relationship is over - he accepts that. But he wants us to stay together for "for the children". I do not think this is healthy for anyone, not least because I know he hopes we will reconcile. This is not going to happen. I'm not getting any younger and I need to live my life.

I wonder if actually starting the process will force him to start to think logically rather than just pretending it isn't happening. I don't feel I can start the process without his acceptance and risk an acrimonious process for our children, both during the process and afterwards.

I feel very stuck. What is possible legally is very different to what seems possible practically.

Any wisdom or experience appreciated.

If you start the process and keep it moving he has to respond and deal with it eventually. Even if it is just to protect himself. But he will bury his head in the sand and he will probably play the victim.

I would arrange mediation to start off the discussion. I might also get ahead of the discussion with the children to tell them what is happening and why you have made the decision you have. If he isn’t going to acknowledge the marriage is over then they need to know what is going on. They will already know something is wrong.

The why shouldn’t be a list of negatives about their father. It should just be an explanation that you don’t have the emotional connection you need to sustain the marriage. This is where you can help them learn that people shouldn’t stay in relationships that aren’t working, out of guilt or obligation. Thats a toxic road to apathy, arguments, affairs and abuse.

Sometimes splitting up only becomes real if one of you moves out.

Would it surprise you if he wants to stay together not for the children but because it's more convenient for him? If you're determined to go through with it and he refuses to sign any paperwork a Bailiff serving your application will make the penny drop that or ask the court for a Deemed service wife's sister is going through the same good luck 👍

Ate you still doing all the 'wife work'? I would suggest that you stop doing anything for him, especially as he accepts the relationship is over. No cooking, shopping, washing, cleaning etc etc.

Are not ate!

Seek legal advice so you know where you stand. Ducks in a row time.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply. I've had an initial legal consultation, I know where I stand legally and my ducks are more or less in a row. Despite telling him I no longer want to be in the relationship and I want a divorce he simply isn't hearing me. I suspect as many of you suggest he is burying his head and I need to start the process to make him face up to what is happening. I fear he hasn't even emotionally processed what is happening even though I have been trying to talk to him for months (years).

I don't want to stop doing things like washing/cooking. I'd like us to be co-operative and I don't think stopping things like that for him sets the right tone for how we could work together to co-parent. He does plenty around that house, he's not a "do-nothing" guy.

Hi, just wanted to let you know that I'm in exaxtly the same situation so I know very well how yr husband pretends this is not really happening. I don't want to push it more because I'm not good with conflict (and he knows it). He still thinks I will come round and calm down. It's been years.
I hope you'll be braver than me! Good luck

I was in this situation and it dragged on for months.
The thing that made him snap out of it was when I actually filed and got a mediator.
It felt like the wrong order to do things but that is how it needed to happen in the end.
I told him I was going to do it and he was still surprised when he got the email.

But after that things moved along more amicably and in a sensible way.