Anyone noticed judgement about dating again?

[CatsCuddles]

Does anyone else feel there's lots of judgement if you are wanting to date again? I asked for some advice on a single mum's group but someone trotted out the whole " I would rather concentrate on my kids" I have seen this on other posts as well not just my own, yeah that's fine but why answer a dating question asking for advice then? Just to make a dig and imply those that choose to date again don't prioritise their kids? But I'm allowed a life as well surely?! Anyone else notice this? People expecting single mum's to stay single till their kids are adults? No one seems to expect men to and I don't see men making digs if a single dad dates again

You do encounter a bit of judgement like that on-line - I have noticed it on this forum sometimes sadly.

I have, however, NEVER actually encountered it in real life. Many people get divorced these days, and almost all of them go on to pursue new relationships at some point. It's very rare to find somebody who just devotes themselves entirely to being a parent - and if they do, that is quite often because they just can't be bothered with relationships any more.......

You are quite right - you are entitled to a life of your own. I find it really quite concerning when people expect their children to become their whole life and reason for existence - what an enormous amount of weight for those children to shoulder!

And most of us have needs - for sex, for romance, for physical affection - that our kids can't meet. So for many of us dating is, if not quite an essential, pretty high up there on the having-any-quality-of-life requirements list. Not for everyone, obviously. But for many.

Of course dating with kids is different - your kids will always be your priority, and it does put some limits on what you do...... But it's also entirely possible.

I think what REALLY grates on me is when the judgement is solely aimed at women. People who wouldn't question a father's right to date again, but if a woman does it she must be some kind of wild hedonistic nymphomaniac....

Yes it seems some people feel that focusing on their kids after divorce or a break up and avoiding dating is the best thing for them. We are all individuals though. What’s the best thing for you and your family? That’s for you to decide and really all that matters for you. Different things work for different people. Only you know what’s best for you and what will make you happy.

You can’t change what other people think but you can choose to not care for their opinion.

Do you want
to date? Date. Fuck the begrudgers.

I think only the most unpleasant types would advocate a life of celibacy. However, I think it’s important to separate ‘dating’ from ‘introducing someone new into your children’s lives or moving them in’. I think people should knock themselves out dating and have as much fun as possible, but take their time and be ultra-cautious over the latter.

Mostly on mumsnet to be honest. There is a lot societal pressure on women to be martyrs for their children. It steeps into casual sayings and rules that get bandied about. For me the worst one is children always come first. If ever there was a saying to guilt women into forgoing opportunities in their careers and relationships it’s that one.

It is absolutely true that once you have children you have responsibility for them and must make that a priority in your life. But it’s not the only priority and whilst you will always need to consider your responsibility towards them it doesn’t need to “come first” or dominate decisions.

Again as a parent you want your children to feel safe and secure in their own home and the world around them. They have to see and understand what a loving and sharing relationship and family life looks like. However it is also important to get them to recognise that they won’t be able to control every situation in life and that they shouldn’t try to control other peoples lives and decisions.

Part of what they should be learning as they grow up is that the world isn’t always about them and their wants. They must learn and be taught that other people have feelings and wants. The extent to which they can assimilate and comprehend that is going to be different for each child and in each stage of their own development.

My advice is to ignore it, the rules and judgement are designed to keep single mothers in “their place”.

I've been divorced for 7 years now and haven't dated..BUT that is because Ihave zero interest in doing so ever as am mum happier single... the "focusing on the kids" is a side effect of essentially focusing selfishly on myself! I recognise that I am the odd one here with no interest in a relationship, most people I know certainly still want that post divorce.

In any case, dating doesn't mean that you're not focusing on your kids anyway... just as if I go out with friends I'm not neglecting mine! You need a life too in whatever form you wish... if you want to date, date, and ignore the naysayers...

Thanks all. Glad to hear from those that get it. I find the judgement normally comes from other single mum's weirdly enough! I had one say she's staying single till her child is 18 as her focus is on her child implying mine isn't 😂 I didn't choose to be a single parent (he left) so why should I remain celibate for 18 years!