I understand this seems to be a rather contested topic on here...but is there a way of arguing against 50:50 with my ex?
I have no issue with DS seeing him or spending the day with him or even sleeping over at his flat. However, ex's reason for wanting 50:50 is because he thinks he then doesn't have to pay any child maintenance (he told me so) and might even get money from me once I'm back at work. I'm the (slightly) higher earner and could go for a higher paid job while working less, although that'll take another two years or so. It would still be full time but the nature of the job would give more scope for wfh. For the moment, I'm on maternity leave.
I think I'm just a bit pissed off because he thinks he can just turn the children's lives upside down, walk out on everything, not contact DS for two weeks while I'm in hospital having DD and then just saunter back in after 3 months and make demands.
DS loves his dad. He's always been the "fun" parent, although he's retreated more and more from family life in the past year or so. When he's visited DS after moving out, he's played with him for ten minutes and then gone to sleep on the sofa for an hour or two. It's been similar before he moved out. He's mostly cared about himself. He'd go off and do gardening for hours on the weekends, with his headphones on so he'd be in his own little bubble.
In the mornings, he'd get himself ready, make his own lunch and then go to work. I'd get DS and myself ready, make breakfast, sort lunch and get him to school. I then picked up DS after school, sort dinner and get him sorted with snacks, reading, homework, etc. His dad would come in at some point, grab dinner to eat on the sofa, fall asleep on the sofa and eventually move to the bedroom to continue sleeping in the bed. I'd then get DS ready for bed, do story, tidy up, etc.
And no, he's not been tired because he's the one bringing in the money and going to work while I have a part time job. We have the same job but in different companies. I'm slightly more senior than he is and have more responsibilities at work.
He's never bought clothes or shoes for the kids. He's not been involved in playdates or birthday parties or taking DS (and now DD) to activities. He's not ever taken any of them to the doctor. He's been to the dentist and the hairdressers with DS a handful of times but only because I've pushed him to do it. He has no involvement with school or homework.
I'm also worried because he has a habit of just wandering off when things seem difficult. Ex frequently just left to go for a walk for hours whenever there was an issue, wouldn't say where he's going or when he's coming back. He's left a job and quit without notice and just walked out in the middle of the day because he found it too difficult (and it's not the kind of job where that's possible...he basically left me to deal with it all and just stomped off).
I honestly believe DS and DD need a stable home base to live at, to come back to when he's pissed off again and is finding life overwhelming yet again. DS has been so confused and so hurt these past few months when his dad kept popping in and leaving again over and over. His behaviour is challenging at times because he is incredibly worried that I'll abandon him as well. I try to be reassuring and positive and have facilitated visits as much as possible but quite honestly, there comes a point when I'm getting annoyed by his selfishness and the fact that he's trying to use DS to hurt me for no reason. He still hasn't told me why he's left, other than that he doesn't love me anymore, and has become increasingly hostile these last few months. I've actually tried to be reasonable and patient but I also have my children's wellbeing to consider (first and foremost because they are little and he's a grown ass man).