DH is being totally passive - what am I allowed to do?

[MyGiddyScroller]

The relationship between me and DH is totally broken and on top of it he is emotionally abusive. We have one child and own our house with a mortgage.
We keep having "conversations" about getting a divorce, but basically he won't do anything. He won't leave the house, won't take any actions. He has said that if I want a divorce we need to sell the house but he won't do anything. So I will need to organise getting it sold (while we all still live there).
Is this something I can even do? Should I leave and try to organise a sale remotely?
I know he is hoping I won't do anything and we will stay together (in misery). Or that I will just leave and leave him with the house.

Have you seen a solicitor and started divorce proceedings?

What have you done? Why is it for him to take all the actions?

File for divorce on line and get EA for valuations. Communicate with him by email. Get him to sign an EA contract to agree putting the house on the market.

Speak to Rights of Women to see if his abuse meets the criteria to get an occupation order in the house whilst it is sold.

but you are also being totally passive. If you don't do something, clearly it won't get done. So do something!

Sorry, my post wasn't clear.

I'm trying to work out what I should do as a next step, rather than just doing what he says I should do. Is putting the house on the market a good next step, can I even do that without his consent? How would I show I have his consent? What if he objects or is obstructive once things start?

From the history of the relationship, I know he won't actually passively accept a divorce. He is emotionally volatile, aggressive, etc

You need to get legal advice.

You need to start the divorce. The house and what will happen with it will be sorted as part of the divorce.

The first step is seeing solicitor and getting legal advice for your unique circumstances.

Get your financial information together and make an appointment with a solictor. He can't refuse to divorce you, you can get the ball rolling but you will need to know more about the process in order to do so.

apologies OP. It did sound like you were expecting him to do something.

So what other people have said - you really need to find yourself a solicitor who can advise you properly. I know that there are procedures in place where you can force a sale when one party is being obstructive - obviously this needs to go via a proper legal route. And get the ball rolling on the divorce as well.

Take the bull by the horns and go see a solicitor to action a divorce. Sort the financials out. He isn’t going to do anything but make your life a misery.
Best of luck with it all 💐

If you think he’ll be dangerous when you file diverse you should obtain an occupational order and a restraining order. Your solicitor will be able to advise and the police can be present to ensure he leaves.

Speak to a solicitor. It sounds as though it would be a really horrible atmosphere if you were to stay there during the divorce. Do you have anywhere to go to?

I'm not sure what happens re new rent and old mortgage if you did move out - that's something to ask a solicitor.

Yup, you need legal advice. It sounds like he's not going to co-operate so you'll need to figure out how to legally take each step - eg if you divorce and he can't/won't buy you out, then a judge may need to sign some sort of order that says the house must be sold even if he doesn't agree to sign the EA agreement/sales documents etc.

You cannot sell the house without his consent. He shouldn’t give that right now because it is not in his interests to do that until be knows what his settlement would look like. It probably isn’t in your interests either.

Cooperative couples who want the same thing can get divorced quickly and simply. It wouldn’t be unheard of that they would put the house on the market whilst other processes are in train. Because this couple will agree on a marketing price and an offer price they will accept for sale.

If one or both of you are going to be difficult this isn’t going to work. And all you will do is muck around estate agents and buyers. The end result is the house will become toxic for buyers who avoid divorce property for this reason.

If you think he is going to be obstructive then follow the process. Whether you use mediation or not the process is

1. disclose all assets and liabilities- everything even if it might not be a marital asset. You do this to get an understanding of the pot to be shared. The size of the pot will influence how it is shared and how needs can be defined. Generally speaking most needs are basic but if you are super rich lifestyle is taken into account.
2. Define needs - this is where you start to set out our income (which is not just salary) and living costs. For the purposes of divorce income is maximised and costs minimised in line with lifestyle. The rights of children play a huge role in defining needs as well. Their welfare will come before the adults lifestyle aspirations of necessary.
3. Split the pot: The priority is usually to permanently separate your finances (clean break) and make you equal. But not always if there isn’t enough to do that and ensure the children’s rights are protected.
4. Agree it all or dispute it and have a judge decide
5. Get court order and enact the order.

Even with all of this people can still play silly buggers over the occupancy and timing of a house sale. If you are living in a property and you want time before you move for whatever reason you can filibuster a sale. Which is why people become stubborn over moving out and putting the property on the market.

There are lots of reason why the occupants of the family home would mess up a sale, especially once they see what a likely settlement would look like. It could be to get more time for a promotion to come through or for interest rates to come down or for the children to finish school.

You need to take free legal advice, at least. CAB or 30 mins offered free by most family law sols.

I was told to file for divorce online (£595) but remain in the house. You do not want to leave the house was the advice I was given.

This apparently lets most men know you are serious and he should take action - i.e join you on taking steps to get the house on the market. If not, you can ask your solicitor to get a court order to force the sale of the house and this can take up to 12 months.

Really common situation that you're describing!