Custody query - need I be concerned?

[EhLov]

For context, I am separating from partner of 12 years. 3 children primary school age. I am awaiting him to buy me out of the house we all currently share, at which point I will buy something else.

He has advised he would like custody settled in court, and aims for 50/50.

I would dispute his attempt for the following reasons. Would these be accounted for in the judge's decision? I'm so worried presently that he would actually get 50/50:

1. I currently do all care including homework, lunch bookings, playdates, parents evenings, days out, day trips, clothes shop, laundry: bar Monday when he collects from school.
2. He frequents the local pub 3 nights a week; dropped from 6 nights a week until youngest turned 2.
3. He smokes drugs nightly at home (outdoors)
4. He owns a business which requires him to be present 6 days a week.
5. He has a criminal record (+8 years ago)
6. He frequents guests around the children whom they ask not to have present
7. He spent their first 5 years in bed (I really do mean it, in the daytime), no employment then, and has not once taken them on a day out.
8. He has been once violent to me in front of the children, twice to them. None of this I have reported to any agency so no formal record.
9. He is dismissive of their emotional needs, such as walking in without knocking on our oldest, putting them to bed late on the Mondays, or refusing to discuss why they are upset.

10. The children ask to be with me.

Unfortunately, he does have on his side:

1. He's a lot richer than me. He can afford posh lawyers and a house near their current school. I cannot and would need to move further away from school.
2. He can just lie, and say none of 1-10 above is true.
3. His parents as support, live in the same area, and are rich: while mine do not, and are not.

I have a stable job with hours designed to fit around school. I have a degree in early years and I think the last time I did anything edgy I was 17.
I am 11 years younger than him, met him young and just feel very groomed by the whole thing. But he has maturity and wealth on his side.

Surely he can't get 50/50? Or would he? All of above is difficult to evidence to a family judge, no?

Any advice is really appreciated. Even if it says that I may need to start managing my expectations...

If he wants 50:50 then he is likely to get it, even with your list of things. Does he have any idea what 50:50 means? Does he do 50:50 now? And does that includes life admin like school drop off/pick up, medical appointments, clothes shopping, taking to clubs/parties at 50:50? If he doesn't then he needs to . But basically your expectations will.have to be managed. He can plonk them in front of the TV all day, have people round to his house etc when they are with him on his time. Is there any police/SW evidence of the domestic violence etc?

Thank you for your reply and advice.
No, no formal agency has ever been involved with our family in any capacity.

He knows what 50/50 would mean, but social image is very important to him. I fear he is requesting 50/50 because he wants to look good rather than actually be good. The latter damaging the children, when it's all unnecessary and they have a mummy who'd gladly do it all, is what frightens me. But thank you for your honest thoughts.

1. currently do all care including homework, lunch bookings, playdates, parents evenings, days out, day trips, clothes shop, laundry: bar Monday when he collects from school.
2. he can learn to step up and do this stuff
3. He frequents the local pub 3 nights a week; dropped from 6 nights a week until youngest turned 2.
4. would he intend to continue this with the kids in his care or presumably would stay home?
5. He smokes drugs nightly at home (outdoors)
6. not great but he can say he wouldn't do it when he has them so unlikely
7. He owns a business which requires him to be present 6 days a week.
8. he can use childcare
9. He has a criminal record (+8 years ago)
10. and yet you had kids with him so why would this be a reason to prevent 50/50? Depends on rhe offence of course but if it's one that suggests he's a risk to kids why haven't you done something before?
11. He frequents guests around the children whom they ask not to have present
12. no
13. He spent their first 5 years in bed (I really do mean it, in the daytime), no employment then, and has not once taken them on a day out.
14. unfortunate, but that's no longer the case
15. He has been once violent to me in front of the children, twice to them. None of this I have reported to any agency so no formal record.
16. worrying, but with no evidence this won't be considered
17. He is dismissive of their emotional needs, such as walking in without knocking on our oldest, putting them to bed late on the Mondays, or refusing to discuss why they are upset.
18. shit parenting but not enough to avoid contact/ 50/50
19. The children ask to be with me.
20. no

sorry, but this list of issues demonstrates why women need to report things to police and take steps at the time for their own protection.

edit sorry my numbering reverted to yours when it posted so my responses aren't clear

Thank you Cameron for your clear itemisation.

Would a court really give the children to him when they'd be spending it realistically in after-school club, and conversely could just be with their mum post 3pm every day?

Re police, I really regret not reporting. But it's kind of hard to keep someone 'on side' if you've also reported them to the police, and I so wanted to retain good feelings in the house. Equally if I do it now, he will refuse to buy me out and I'll be a mortgage prisoner. Once we have moved, I will report, but it will be trivial by then.

Noted re. your replies to all, thank you.

Suggest a month's trial of 50/50.. Simply 'hand over' the dc and do naff all. Not a thing. Don't help in anyway whatsoever.. See how he gets on. Keep a detailed diary of his failings.

Stormy, that is a good suggestion, thank you. But Christ, what a month that would be for the kids, no?

This is a good idea in principal but I think the duration of one month isn't going to give you reliable results.

For instance, in my workplace we insist on a 6 months probation period for new employees because people can pretend to be model employees for 3 months but 6 months tends to show the cracks. Using that analogy, one month is definitely within the "pretend to be a perfect dad" timescale.

Unless you know for sure that he will fail miserably and will demonstrate to a judge just how useless he is, you risk providing credence to his argument that he'll manage fine.

If he wants 50:50 and there is no evidence that he is abusive then it's likely he'll get it. The children's wiews come into play at around 12 years old.

He may get 50:50 then decide that it's too much faff and not bother with them.

He may get 50:50 and turn himself around and be a good dad as they are with him for a short amount of time.

If he does get 50:50 you can ask for first refusal for childcare if he can't look after them but generally who is looking after them on his time is up to him.

If the worst case is 50:50 what positive things can come out of that?

• Can you take on more hours at work to earn more?
• Can you do an OU degree or other course and retrain for a better paid role
• Can you do the household chores so that all of your time spent with them is quality IE batch cooking etc
• Can you join a fitness group or hobby to improve your own health and wellbeing.

Are his parents keen grandparents ? He might just have them do the school runs and looking after the kids most of the time so he can go out drinking etc

He wouldn’t be punished for using childcare like after school club so the argument that you’re at home means nothing. A lot of the other stuff like lack of house cleaning won’t mean anything either as he can buy cleaners etc The crappy parenting like lack of emotional support can’t be proved.

Once the kids are 11/12ish then their preferences would be taken very seriously but be aware that cash rich parents can Disney parent their way to being the preferred parent over time because takeaways and no bedtimes etc can seem appealing

IME if you've let the behaviour continue for the whole of the children's lives so far, I'm not sure your arguments are going to have much clout after the divorce.

You've been ok with him smoking drugs/drinking/working/being violent, that horse has bolted

Would a court really give the children to him when they'd be spending it realistically in after-school club, and conversely could just be with their mum post 3pm every day?

Yes they really can. Because lots of children of single FT working parents and together parents will be in after school clubs. ASC is not indicative of negative parenting.
FWIW will you be able to carry on with your current work pattern of being free from 3pm every day once separated? Or will you have to up your hours anyway?

The drugs and violence/criminal record thing are the more concerning issues than the childcare.

Sorry you are in this situation OP. Not nice.

Gosh I'm really learning what courts will allow / deem irrelevant in order to achieve 50/50. Thank you all.

Yes I think he probably would end up giving them to his parents a lot. Which is not ideal in itself - they are also cold and materialistic, it's not somewhere I want them raised. The children have recently asked to stop going there, and would be a lot of late evening ferrying around. But this would count as his days, I imagine.

I doubt he would cope, and I think the children would struggle with the chaos that would ensue. I could demonstrate this but the damage to the children is done by then.

He's likely going for 50/50 so he doesn't have to pay you CMS

Bloody, I've not been ok with it, I just couldn't afford to leave. Our alternative would have been homeless temporary accomodation sharing one room, for years, sharing a corridor with noise and drug users. I worked years in the homeless team and saw women like me have to move to that situation. It was dire.
For me and our specific situation, the children's home was still always the more responsible option.
Now I can afford to leave, I am. But I do note your POV re. 'if it was that bad...'

I will carry on my work pattern as I am as good as FT over 4 days, and it works well. I am middle mngt on £40k and without running a department (not the right time...) I can't see how I could earn more right now. Nor is now a good time to take on more responsibility. It's tricky as we live in a very expensive part, of a very expensive city.

They currently do my one late evening with their dad, and all else with me. As that is their current setup, it would seem reasonable to me to keep that as their court ordered setup, rather than award lots more time to their dad that he's demonstrated he does not wish to do, up to this point. The children are used to that, and it works. Would the court not see it that way?

Better to offer up a trial than wait until a judge orders it.... Yes he may dump them with his dps.. He still needs to sort uniforms /clubs /lunches /baths /get them to his dps and back etc.. Bet he won't last more than a few days...

Hayley I wondered this too. It seems so cynical.

Especially because I've only decided to leave once I know I can afford to live without reliance on any money from him: which I have told him. I do not want his money. I just want to leave.

I think he just doesn't believe me.

Equally, as he earns so much more than me, I think he'd still have to contribute some even if 50/50 were awarded, is this not the case?
Not that I would pursue that: but I think he may be misguided in his intentions there.

Stormy I'd not thought of that, to trial before the court date.
I mean, in a sense we've been trialling for 10 years, the results are evident 🤨
That may not be in my control re. when we begin living apart, vs when he chooses to call to court. But if I have a few months gap, I could try that, thank you.

No, no CMS is due if both parents do 50/50 - the calculator online states that. Whether you could get a court to order him pay you is another matter.

Yes he will be allowed 50/50 if he's proposing. It would then be up to you to take it back to court if it wasn't successful - but you couldn't use ASC or his parents looking after them as your reasons for it not working.

I work within the family courts and I very, very rarely see orders for 50/50 shared care, although to be honest I tend to see more families with serious welfare concerns. That’s not to say what you’re listing is nothing. When you say he’s been physically abusive to the children, what do you mean?

How old are the children?

I thought the same but apparently if there is a big disparity in income one parent can still have to pay maintenance even if they have the child 50/50

salt thank you. I mean we've had no agency involvement at all so we're certainly not a family with welfare issues.

Although the health visitor of my first born did tell me she had concerns about their dad's way with me and put in extra visits as a result. Perhaps I could dig those notes out with the clinic?
Also he's had one or two incidents at school drop off on his 'day'. Do schools write character references or get consulted on these things?

The chn are 6-10, incidents being swung by arm in public, or at home during tantrums. I do scoop them up but it's upsetting. I've never reported anywhere.
I'm kind of trying to 'keep him sweet' until he buys us out, at which point I do intend to report all this stuff. If I do it beforehand, he won't buy me out, out of spite, and we'll just be trapped here.