How do I leave a toxic marriage I’m trapped in?

[Buttercup230]

Hi everyone.

I’m in a desperately unhappy marriage and I have been for years. He has made it clear that I’m free to leave and in arguments he has told me to F* off as he is not going anywhere. I feel completely trapped as I don’t have the money to rent or buy anywhere and we have five children. They currently have their own room and we live in a large house - they are settled here and I wouldn’t just uproot them - I keep doing the lottery which I know is hopeless but the only way I’d be able to get away from him is if I could afford or rent a home where the children could at least live with me too. I’m aware housing support might be available but I couldn’t live in a much smaller home on a housing estate after living in a rural location- it would be my idea of a nightmare and even if I was awarded one there’s no way my children would want to live there- they currently have their own bedroom. They are entering the teenage years so need their own space more than ever now.

I cry myself to sleep more and more often as I feel utterly trapped and feel I’m living in despair with no support. I have two jobs already and that is stressful enough so I couldn’t take on anything else. I’d need to earn 3 times what I’m earning to rent a house and I’d never be eligible for a mortgage as I’m self-employed and my earnings vary so much each month.

He makes me feel worthless as he belittles me in front of the children, doesn’t support me emotionally and didn’t care less when I told him I sometimes cry myself to sleep. He makes it clear I’d be nothing without him and he’s given me all he has and I should I be happy. Yes we do have a large house however he makes it clear it is all his and his dads and I’m made to feel like I’m some sort of ungrateful lodger. He won’t support me financially or emotionally and thinks it’s funny belittling me and putting me down - what he says is just a joke according to him and he loves me really. Years of the same ‘jokes’ really do get to me and have affected my self-esteem massively.

We have been married for 15 years. Our house is split 3 ways better him, me , and his Dad who also lives with us. All of the money is actually his Dads so if we went through a divorce I’m worried he would be awarded the house and I’d get nothing. Even if I was given a third of the house in the case of a divorce I’d only be able to afford a 2 or 3 bed house at best and he’d be making sure I move and the children stay with him in a house that is much bigger and which they love.

I feel utterly trapped. What on earth can I do? Having couples counselling is not an option as he doesn’t love me or have any respect for me and it’s mutual. We haven’t had sex for months and he sleeps on the sofa every night. I keep doing the lottery and dreaming I can get away from him but it’s absolutely ridiculous thinking like that.

To help my mental health I am working as much on myself as possible- I’m getting fit and healthy and I feel better in myself already. But I still feel trapped and have no idea how I can get out of this toxic and unhappy marriage.

Thank you for any advice x

You need to accept that there are going to be compromises. Big ones. You can't expect to live as you do now.
You can't have the big house, own bedrooms, nice location.

but on the flip side you have your house, your life, and good mental health.

Trust me, sanity is worth all the changes.

I really feel for you, I can feel the despair and frustration in your text. It's a good thing that you are starting to think about what you want for yourself and doing things for yourself to feel good. I imagine in the early years of parenting you've lost yourself along the way like many do and now they are less dependent you are waking up and thinking of the future. I can absolutely understand your concerns and can see why you would think twice about splitting at this point. Is there anyone you can confide in? Or if not maybe you could find a counsellor to talk things out, it may help you get some perspective. Is he ever aggressive or violent or is it all emotional abuse? And how much longer do you feel you can live in those conditions ? These are the sorts of questions to consider. Sending you a big hug xx

I couldn’t live in a much smaller home on a housing estate after living in a rural location
Then you are never going to get away and you will need to find a way to accept this fact.

Or
Get a really, really good job that pays a similar wage to him.

Or
Change your mindset.

Those are your choices. Most people would rather live in a smaller house with not enough bedrooms, with no holidays, rather than with a horrible, nasty partner. I suspect you will leave eventually OP so do you want to live this life for another ten years first?

Work out your finances (savings, pensions, house equity, cms), work out if you can get a better job/more hours, get on rightmove and see what is out there, then change the settings to less bedrooms, different locations ( kids can double up, you can have bed settee in living room etc). Eventually the kids will leave for uni or their own place and the house will become the perfect size.

EDIT - I went back and re-read. Get a one off consultation with a solicitor to find out your rights financially. That couple of hundred quid will be worth it for a tailored response.

How old are your children?

Thank you for your replies. One of the issues I’d find is if I moved to a smaller house then the children would not want to live with me full-time as they wouldn’t want to leave this house. 5 children with 2 or 3 squashed in a room wouldn’t work. As I said I can’t afford even a 3 bed house on my own. Why would it have to be me that would have to move out and not my husband? I’m assuming this is because I wouldn’t be able to stay in our family home and because it’s me that wants to leave him? The youngest is 6, then the others are 8, 10, 13 and 15. So they are not small children. They are different sexes and because of their ages they wouldn’t be able to share a room. The more I think about it the more I feel desperately trapped. You can see what I mean by dreaming of winning the lottery so I could move out. I am trying my best with a new job but it’s going to take time to build up to a decent wage - I’ve already lived for at least 5 years like this and I’m at the end of my tether. He’s not ever been physically abusive but his shouting is extremely intimidating.

You don’t necessarily have to move out But it’s complicated if his dad owns part of the house. What % is owned by his dad? You’d be entitled to a share of the % owned by you /your husband but you may be required to sell in order to pay out dads share plus you’d be entitled to a share of that, your husband’s share may or not be deferred for a while. Are there other assets? Pensions?

what child maintenance would you get ?
What’s your mortgage capacity?

most people who divorce have to accept lifestyle changes, and lower living standards as there simply are two households to fund

i agree with @AutumnFroglets . If you want to separate you’re going to need to accept things changer house etc. even if your ex moves out he’ll need to rent etc so wont likely be able to pay to keep you where you are

it’s complicated. See a solicitor to get some idea

2 or 3 beds is fine
Your d c will share and will be fine

I left my ex-husband who now lives in a million pound plus property. He has grounds, a swimming pool and hot tub. His control was off-the-scale.
I live with my now husband in a privately rented 3-bed and - despite both working our bums off - at the ages of 43 and 48 we accept that we are very unlikely to be able to afford our own property.
When my teenage sons are home they have their own rooms so our 4 yo is in with us.
I can rarely afford luxuries such as haircuts and my car is old and knackered with barely working air con. Money is tight but we get by.
Which lifestyle made me thoroughly miserable?