Should I leave depressed husband?

[Nat09876]

I’ve been married 6 years with two kids under 5. I think my husband has always been prone to bouts of mild depression. He actually said he was in a funk and very low right before we met but the honeymoon period pulled him out of it and I didn’t see it for quite some time. However since we had children and the stress and sleep deprivation that comes with it, he’s become really miserable and relentlessly negative. I’m finding it really hard to deal with and I also suffer from anxiety and panic attacks however my anxiety seems heavily related to the marriage…when he’s not around I feel a lot more relaxed.

My anxiety also is very inward focused / I become self critical and very much deal with it myself. I also do weekly therapy, try to eat well and exercise so I’m trying to help myself. My husband eats junk, no exercise, won’t do therapy and won’t take meds. He won’t admit he’s depressed he said he feels miserable because life with kids if hard (youngest still wakes in the night). He says he will stop being miserable when life gets easier basically rather than being proactive to improve things

Every single morning he comes downstairs looking miserable, grumpy with everyone, criticises everything I do, makes passive aggressive comments, is impatient with the kids. The kids are young so I know it’s normal to want mum more but they really don’t want to be with him, they say I don’t want daddy, daddy isn’t kind etc if it’s his turn to put them to bed. He also complains about any family days out, having to spend any money on the kids, pisses all over any idea or sliver of optimism and I feel completely drained by it - like I’m responsible for carrying the emotional energy for everyone.

He also never wants to spent time together in the evenings, just wants to be on his own. I feel lonely. Date nights are always initated and planned by me, he comes along and looks at his phone and doesn’t make eye contact when speaking to me

This weekend he was away so I have the kids on my own. Instead of being more tired I feel a lot calmer and happier.

I want to leave him to be honest as I don’t feel much romantic love left. I’ve lost all physical attraction due to the way he speaks to me and the negativity is obviously not attractive. However he once was a great man and I worry about losing what I once had. I would stay if he was making changes but it feels hopeless and pointless if he won’t help himself

I could have written your post Op, even down to the anxiety, it’s so bloody draining. My husband is very much a ‘I’ll be happy when the kids are bigger, I’ll be happy when we’re in a bigger house, I’ll be happy when I get promoted at work…’ nothing ever makes him happy.

My DH is seeking help now, going to therapy on his own, eating better and trying to moan at us all less! Marriage counselling has also helped.

But I had to tell him I was divorcing him if it didn’t change, I couldn’t keep going with it, it was dragging me down as well. It’s not perfect but slowly getting better now.

@Nat09876 I could have written this myself. I feel like I’ve been in this situation for the last 10 years. My husband won’t admit he’s depressed I’m not even sure if he is or he just hates his life.

We have been through therapy twice, he has been on his own once and refuses to go again. We keep going round in circles and have been at a crossroads with divorce once before.

I’ve now realised that we are probably just not right for one another anymore. I’ve asked for a divorce and I think deep down he probably feels relieved. We have young kids and I’m devastated for them but I don’t see how anymore therapy is going to change things.

Sounds like you are both unhappy in the marriage.

He might also become a better parent if he does it on his own, instead of relying on you. Probably won’t but the current set up isn’t giving the children a functional childhood.

However he once was a great man and I worry about losing what I once had.

You already have though. He's not a great man is he, just gave you the impression long enough for you to fall for him and now he's showing you his real miserable self. Certainly doesn't sound like he even likes you. I'd be going it alone in your shoes, indeed I once left a long term partner because he wouldn't deal with his depression and it had a serious effect on my own mental health. Life is too short.