How to get through separation/divorce

[Doughnutsforlife]

My husband told me 3 months ago that he has feelings for another woman and wants to separate. Said he’d not been happy for a while. We have 2 young kids 9 & 5.

We are currently nesting (sharing the house) where I have the kids at home so many days and he has them so many days.

His new woman has a complicated situation and he can’t move in with her and he won’t leave our house. He’s staying with his parents the days he’s not here. The OW was also a friend and our kids are at school together. It’s all very messy.

I don’t want this separation, we’ve been together 20+ years and married 12. I love him deeply and want to work things out if we can. This is so unlike him and everyone is completely shocked. How do I start again in my mid 40’s? I have no idea how to be alone 😭

That sounds life shattering, it's still raw now. You'll get though it though. Learning how to live on your own can be so liberating. You will rebuild yourself and your life to a better version of yourself than in a couple.

The key thing for me was finding ways to enjoy myself on my own. I have a few go to things now that I find fulfilling that I wouldn't have found while I was in a relationship.

Try to take things step by step have you started to talk about how you might split the finances and what to do about the house etc?

Every time we try to discuss it, it turns nasty. He wants to buy me out cos he runs his business from home, but he has a much better job and more earning potential than I do. I’ve already spoken with a solicitor who says I should be able to stay in the house until our youngest is 18, or I could get up to a 65/35 split, but he was not happy about that at all. He thinks we can be amicable and do it without solicitors and split everything 50/50!!

It pisses me off that he thinks he can cheat on me, turn my life completely upside down, make me lose precious time with my children (which has absolutely destroyed me) and also turf me out of my own fucking house that I’ve paid equally into for 22 years!

Of course he wants you to do it without solicitors as that would benefit him. Have you spoke to any solicitors yet?

Being bought out might not be too bad though... (Definitely go for more than 50/50) Having a fresh start in a new home might be something to look forward to. And at least the kids would have some consistency since the marital home would be kept. Does he have the money to buy you out? Unless it's inherited money...you'd be entitled to at least half of all his savings anyway...so I'm just wondering if him buying you out is actually possible.

Mesher orders for 13 years are rare and not ideal. There’s no automatic right to remain in the fmh until children are 18 and as your youngest is 5 that's a very long time to tie up his capital. You will also be responsible for 100% of mortgage and bills. Usually this is awarded where kids are older ( eg 15) or where it literally is the only option to keep children housed.

remember your solicitor is giving you their view of a settlement - his solicitor ( when he gets one) will also do that and they won’t be the same. Hence there will be compromise and negotiation required to reach an outcome. If needs can be met with 50:50 or near that that is a possible outcome although you can argue a case for an unequal split if you earn less. It’s difficult for anyone here to comment without knowing the actual assets available.

It’s a long relationship so a judge will be trying to sever financial ties as quick as is possible. You also have 20 years to pay a mortgage and pension pots etc ( as does he assuming)

do you understand what assets there are to split ( inc pensions) and what your mortgage capacity is ?

while you are angry, understandably so, settlements are not punitive so they need discussing on facts compromise not emotion and winning /losing/ punishing

He’s been told he’d just about be able to if it was 50/50, he’d need a pretty hefty mortgage to do so. We don’t really have any savings, but we have another property that we rent out. It’s only 2 bed so not big enough for either of us so that would also need to be sold.

if it was 50/50 I’d end up with roughly £145k, including money from rental property, but that is no where near enough to buy a 3 bed in our area, even with a small mortgage of my own. He could afford more as he earns roughly 3 times more than me. I need to stay close to this area as I am a carer for my mum who is disabled and in her late 70’s. My brother and sister have already moved away from the immediate area and there is no way I am leaving her. Plus I don’t want to move the kids school.

Our eldest is SEN and has sensory processing disorder, she is insistent on staying in our current home.

If it was 50/50 I’d end up with roughly £145k, including money from rental property, but that is no where near enough to buy a 3 bed in our area, even with a small mortgage of my own.

Are you sure? Do you know how much you can borrow?
Have you spoke to citizens advice to find out how much UC you'd be entitled to? As a single parent you can claim UC if you earn upto £50k per year. If you claim UC from now, in 3 months time some mortgage providers would be able to take that into account as your income, so you would be able to borrow more. Some mortgage providers take into account your Child maintenance payments if you've been receiving them consistently before applying for your mortgage, probably 3 months too.

Have you worked out how much child maintenance payment you would receive?

No, I haven’t got that far yet. I applied yesterday for UC but it said I had to make a commitment to find extra work, which I can’t do at the moment. Think I need to ring them. I work 4 days already.

I just don’t want any of this to be happening. I woke up in the night in a panic and feeling all the crushing feelings of rejection all over again. I just want all this to go away. I want to go to sleep and wake up 6 months ago and try to stop this all from happening.

I’m a mess basically 😭

I'm so sorry to hear that you are struggling. It's so much to process, it's only natural that it feels so difficult at the moment.
I was where you are about a year ago. I used Samaritans a lot, to get through the darker days.
You will be able to come to terms with it eventually.

💐💐💐

Sorry no advice op, but dh left me last week, I'm 41, 2 dc 13&9.
Still in shock, he is being pushy and wanting to sort everything without solicitors. You are not alone

I’m so sorry that you are going through this too 😔 Sending hugs