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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Struggling, relocation, hate my stbxh, custody

15 replies

Sarahd3342 · 12/10/2024 23:16

Hi

I'm sorry for posting on here but I am struggling and I have no one.

I have no support network. I have a few friends but I'm draining them with this. I feel isolated. I wish I had family I could talk to but they are deceased. I just lie and tell people I have someone to talk to. But I don't. My counselor tells me to lean on my support network. I don't have one.

My stbxh unexpectedly left a few months ago. He stopped paying the mortgage and now our overdraft is thousands overdrawn. I never paid the mortgage anyway but I'm on it. He sent a c100 within 3 weeks of leaving. It was all so planned. He sent me a miam immediately and then went to court.

We had friends in the area, friendships established by me. I am losing my friends. He is turning them against me and making me feel uncomfortable everywhere I go. He is even socializing with my work colleagues. Everywhere I go, his presence has some link. But. He has no family here either. The friends aren't really his friends but he is trying so hard to turn them into his friends so he can say he has a support network.

My DD has just started school. I want to relocate with her. Before the child arrangements order comes in because I think I would have more chance of being successful. I want to go back to where my family are. They won't be turned against me. It would mean I have to quit my job. My husband could probably relocate too as he works remotely. He would actually be 2 hours closer to his own family and our daughter would be 2 hours closer to her paternal grandparents (still 3+ hours away but better than 5 as it currently stands). But she would have to leave the school she has just started. I can't tell my stbxh because he has played so dirty already. What do I do? Do I pack up our stuff, get a removals company and go? (Find a rental and use some savings) Try to establish my dd's routine? We have some "interim arrangements" recommended by cafcass though. If I were to move they wouldnt work as she is to see him 4 x a week out in the community. DD doesn't legally have to go to school as she is summer born...

OP posts:
TeaMistress · 12/10/2024 23:28

Sarah I think you urgently need to seek legal advice. Did you have legal representation for court proceedings? Were you given an opportunity to raise issues to the court regarding moving closer to a support network? Surely I would have thought that the court would,don't make formalised contact arrangements without both parents having been heard? If there isn't currently an arrangement in place then yes I would be moving yourself and the kids nearer to your family but I think you also need some advice from a solicitor
.

Original poster
Sarahd3342 · 12/10/2024 23:37

@TeaMistress hi, we haven't had the case yet. The CAFCASS officer spoke to us both separately and published her report a few weeks ago with interim arrangements and then another report/review 2 months later. But since I spoke to her a few weeks before the report was published I just feel more and more isolated and like more people are turning against me or just not reaching out. I can't talk to anyone at my work because he has links there. I have a few friends but they are linked to him. I really don't know how he is turning people against me but I just keep getting these gut instincts in my tummy that something isn't right.

OP posts:
TeaMistress · 12/10/2024 23:56

Sarahd3342 · 12/10/2024 23:37

@TeaMistress hi, we haven't had the case yet. The CAFCASS officer spoke to us both separately and published her report a few weeks ago with interim arrangements and then another report/review 2 months later. But since I spoke to her a few weeks before the report was published I just feel more and more isolated and like more people are turning against me or just not reaching out. I can't talk to anyone at my work because he has links there. I have a few friends but they are linked to him. I really don't know how he is turning people against me but I just keep getting these gut instincts in my tummy that something isn't right.

If there is a c100 prohibited steps order in place I think you need urgent legal advice about asking court permission to relocate with your daughter. Can you speak to a solicitor on Monday..
.

Original poster
Sarahd3342 · 13/10/2024 00:01

@TeaMistress no prohibited steps. The c100 was asking for a cao so dad could have custody arrangements.

OP posts:
TeaMistress · 13/10/2024 00:10

Sarahd3342 · 13/10/2024 00:01

@TeaMistress no prohibited steps. The c100 was asking for a cao so dad could have custody arrangements.

In that case if no order is in place then I would be prioritising packing up your things and moving closer to your family. Is there any chance you can keep your job by working remotely, I would go as soon as you can before your ex can apply for a prohibited steps order. A solicitor will be able to advise re a divorce and you can get the ball rolling on the process and get the marital home on the market. Get a rental property lined up and then move before he can try and stop you.

BrainLife · 13/10/2024 00:16

Hi Sarah. I was in your position 6 years ago. I packed up and left. Moved in with my mum. She was my support network. My ex was incredibly abusive. Thankfully the courts saw it. He wasn't allowed access until the past year, until he admitted abuse and did a perpetrator course. He tried to force me to move back. Courts considered me moving a positive and putting needs of child first. He was only months old. He now has to drive 4 hours once a month each way to see our child, for one day. I would do it all again if I had to as moving was the best decision I ever made. I didn't tell him, just got in the car and left. Of course your situation may be different but if I'd have stayed the courts may not have been so lenient. Once someone has moved it's virtually impossible for the courts to make them move back if no prohibited steps in order.

Original poster
Sarahd3342 · 13/10/2024 00:20

@TeaMistress thanks. I think that's what I wanted to hear. But I am worried about my dd's school. She started in September and the relocation would mean she wouldn't be able to attend. Dad wants 50/50 too.

OP posts:
TeaMistress · 13/10/2024 00:20

BrainLife · 13/10/2024 00:16

Hi Sarah. I was in your position 6 years ago. I packed up and left. Moved in with my mum. She was my support network. My ex was incredibly abusive. Thankfully the courts saw it. He wasn't allowed access until the past year, until he admitted abuse and did a perpetrator course. He tried to force me to move back. Courts considered me moving a positive and putting needs of child first. He was only months old. He now has to drive 4 hours once a month each way to see our child, for one day. I would do it all again if I had to as moving was the best decision I ever made. I didn't tell him, just got in the car and left. Of course your situation may be different but if I'd have stayed the courts may not have been so lenient. Once someone has moved it's virtually impossible for the courts to make them move back if no prohibited steps in order.

This. If no court order is in place then absolutely get yourself and your daughter packed up and moved. Sorry you had to go through that @BrainLife

TeaMistress · 13/10/2024 00:23

Sarahd3342 · 13/10/2024 00:20

@TeaMistress thanks. I think that's what I wanted to hear. But I am worried about my dd's school. She started in September and the relocation would mean she wouldn't be able to attend. Dad wants 50/50 too.

It's not ideal to have to move your daughter out of school but you are doing this in order to ensure that you and she can be near your support network long term. I would try and get moved as soon as possible if you can before he can try to stop you.

Original poster
Sarahd3342 · 13/10/2024 00:25

@BrainLife well done. I am so sorry you experienced that.

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 13/10/2024 07:56

I disagree with others.

i think you’d be mad at this time to give up your job and move although I get the urge.

wgat us happening with the house? You are liable for the mortgage, it’s in arrears. How will you pay mortgage and rent? You most likely pass credit checks for rental properties.

yiu need to take proper steps. Apply for interim
ancillary relief to cover the mortgage, put in a claim for cms, apply for any benefits you may be able to receive. Sort out financials and child arrangements. Running away is not likely to make things better for you. If you live you may end up liable for all travel
costs in relation to child arrangements and you could see eow put in place still and 50% of holidays.

see a solicitor

CameronStrike · 13/10/2024 08:06

I don't think you should relocate whilst in the middle of court proceedings. You should apply to court for a specific issues order to have it agreed by the father and the court. Just moving could be considered disrespectful to the court and if the interim arrangements can't be stuck to then you'd be in breach.

mitogoshigg · 13/10/2024 08:19

I think that moving now would be seen as parental alienation, using your child against your ex. Be very cautious and get legal advice as to whether the court could possibly award majority custody to your ex if you moved away. Remember it's what's in your child's interest that matters not yours, and for most children that means having both parents at least in the same area ish- moving 30 minutes away isn't the issue but you are talking hours meaning realistically she won't see her dad much

millymollymoomoo · 13/10/2024 09:00

Won’t pass credit checks it should say

Soontobe60 · 13/10/2024 09:09

I agree with others - unless there’s a massive backstory of abuse from your ex, taking your DD away from his is a really bad idea. She has every right to a relationship with her father as well as her mother. Running off is playing straight into his hands - he would be well within his legal rights to take her and refuse to return her if you do this.
You need to do as @mitogoshigg has advised.

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