Help - when is enough!?

[Pollyjean1973]

I’ve been married for 13 years and have two children under the age of 12. My husband is a good person in the sense he’s loyal, good dad and decent human!

Feel like over the last decade it’s been constant ups and downs. My husband has had an issue with alcohol the majority of our marriage but has been sober for almost 2 years.

While drinking his behaviour was embarrassing and at times verbally abusive. The worst of it was the constant apologies, giving him another chance only for him to let me down. I always felt I deserved better but stayed for the kids and because I thought it was the right thing to do.

Since being sober things have improved to some end but we seem to have drifted apart over the years. We have no sex life at all, haven’t had sex for over 12 months.

He is moody, grumpy and has no interest in date night or showing any affection. We don’t spend quality time together, don’t even say good night at bed time. Things have been a bit tense recently and when I speak to him about it he blames me saying he can’t handle my constant ocd - his example was me booking holidays one year advance or decorating! He said he feels relieved when I’m ill and lying on the couch. Ouch.

The above all sounds a bit childish but it’s constant and there’s just no affection or happiness in our relationship anymore. I love him but I’m not sure I’m in love with him. I feel like I’ve endured years of dealing with his problems, stood by him through thick and thin and to the detriment of my own happiness. I don’t think he appreciates at all and if he was honest with himself doesn’t even like me. The things he complains about I think are normal for a busy working mum and I can’t help but feel might be appreciated by someone else instead of resented.

My whole life I have stayed in relationships that didn’t serve me. I can’t seem to figure out if it’s bad enough to leave or if I’m being dramatic. I’m terrified how this would impact the kids and I don’t know the first thing about the divorce process.

we’ve had about 3 rounds of counselling over the years and always end up back in the same place.

Bit of a ramble but any advice would be appreciated x

Hi Polly...let's look at this another way..what are the good points about the marriage that would make you want to stay married. It doesn't seem like there are any good reasons here. Your husband has an issue with alcohol abuse over a number of years and caused you to feel embarrassed by his behaviour and he was verbally abusive towards you. You have 2 children under the age of 12 who are undoubtedly being impacted by his behaviour. He's moody and doesn't demonstrate either love or affection towards you. He says nasty things about you. The marriage is sexless. My dear...putting it very gently...why on earth would you stay married to this man. What is the housing situation? Do you both have jobs? I think you need to at least start gathering some information quietly about your joint assets / pensions / debts / mortgage etc and be prepared to go and see a solicitor discreetly if you can. I know that divorce sounds terrifying but you have one life my dear...how much more of it are you going to waste on a man who is making you so unhappy...
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Thank you for responding. Deep down I know it’s time to go our separate ways I suppose I am just struggling to make that final decision.

We have a joint mortgage and both have jobs. I am the main bread winner and whilst it would be a real stretch I would like to try and keep the marital home. I suspect that means I would have to buy him out and I am not sure how amicable he would be to that. I think it would be easier on the kids this way.

I feel sick of the thought of it all and how upset my kids are going to be. 😭

Its really hard to come to terms with the end of a marriage like this. I'm sorry this is happening to you. You need to prioritise your wellbeing and that of your children now, they are living in a household where they may have been perceptive enough to pick up on the unhappy marriage and the atmosphere in the house. I think it's time to gather together your information and see a solicitor quietly. Is it worth sitting down with your husband and being honest with him that neither of you are happy and it's time to call it a day on the marriage. You don't need his consent for divorce anymore and you can file online very easily, the financial split and the child custody arrangements will need advice from your solicitor.

I’ve had a couple of conversations over the year with him about it. He puts it down to us having busy jobs, kids and last year he had some health issues.

It came to a head earlier this week over a radiator of all things!!! I wanted to move it as part of the decorating I’m doing. He lost the plot shouting at me, pointing in my face telling me I wasn’t doing it and I have OCD and was being ridiculous.

He later apologised for shouting but as usual backed it up with a list of things that brought him to that point. One being that he can’t cope with my constant doing/planning things. I’ve always been this way it’s who I am. It didn’t always bother him but over the years it seems to be something he dislikes about me.

So basically he said he can’t do it anymore and I did too. The thing is I’ve put up with a lot of poor behaviour from him since we got married, I think it’s ridiculous that the thing that bothers him the most is me organising things which in my opinion comes from a good place.

I can’t change who I am and shouldn’t have too. I just don’t know if I’m actually brave enough to divorce. I’ve messaged a few counsellors over the weekend to see if I can get some help in finding the confidence to see it through.

He sounds horrible and it sounds like the relationship is making you unhappy. Absolutely seek counselling / therapy and find the courage to see a solicitor for divorce proceedings

The breaking point for my marriage was a bedroom decoration...it does seem ridiculous but it wasn't about that really, and I guess your radiator is the same. Mine resulted in a month of silence rather than an outburst but that's his style.

I would definitely recommend individual counselling...taken me seven months to get from breaking the silence and saying I want to separate to actually almost going through with it (move out in two weeks).

I can come up with all the reasons in the world to stay, and defend him and blame myself endlessly but ultimately I don't love him and I whatever the reason behind that is largely irrelevant. A friend said to me today that if I could make it work then I would do and he was right. No one ends a relationship when they don't need to, especially one with children involved.

My daughter as really been affected by our relationship and I wish I'd done something sooner now.

@trailblazer42 you're spot on it’s not about the radiator. I don’t think he will admit how he really feels about me, either that or he has his head stuck in the sand.

He has been divorced before and I feel he wants me to be the one to end it so that he isn’t to blame.

We haven’t spoken all weekend. The atmosphere in the house is painful. He’s made no effort to make amends, I think he genuinely believes it’s my fault because for whatever reason I drove him to shouting.

Can I ask you how you went about telling your daughter and how she took the news?

Im also struggling because I do still love him but I’m not sure I’m in love with him anymore X

My daughter isn't backwards in coming forwards....she has been very vocal about wanting me to leave him for quite some time. She will regularly call me out on his behaviour and shoots down my 'excuses' for it. I actually feel like I've been gaslighting her over things and downplaying it instead of having respect for myself, and I'm ashamed of that. She's 15 so old enough to be able to know enough about relationships to know ours wasn't normal, but she's not quite there with the nuances of adult relationships.

My kids are 11 and I think they would be devastated. They love their dad although I do think they are aware of his shouty/grumpy behaviour towards me!

timing couldn’t be worse with them going to high school next year.

I think one thing I've learned is that there isn't a good time. Basically they're all bad times but the longer you leave it the worse it probably is.

Hi, I just came across your thread because I’m trying to focus my mind on something else.
I’ve just split up with my partner of 15 years. I’d say the last 5 years have been the worst but this year has been horrendous. DV, cheating, silent treatment, saying the most horrific things to me . Got diagnosed with cancer in February and since then things have gone from bad to worse. Just spent 3 weeks in a cancer hospital and I am partially paralysed down my right side from cancer treatment. Ex didn’t bring my kids to see me in the whole 3 weeks I was in there nor tried to contact me to see how I was . Day after I came out he told me he wanted me out . Last Tuesday I had to declare myself homeless . I’m currently living in a hotel sorted out by the council until they can find me somewhere else to live . I have a small suitcase of ‘lounge’ clothes with me and as it was a rush to leave forgot my toiletries and make up etc . Also my children are staying with him until I am hosed somewhere else. I feel absolutely completely broken . I’ve lost everything. I just wanted to say I know it’s so hard going through a separation but at least you have a roof over your head and can stay in the family home. You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have xx

My marriage came to end over redoing the kitchen - like you @Pollyjean1973 he isn't a bad man, does loads of stuff with the kids but the marriage was affectionless and full of resentment. We were looking at worktop samples and I just broke and said I wanted a divorce not a new kitchen, we spent that money on legal fees between us I guess! I did get the "new" kitchen but in a new place - I should have fought harder to stay in the fmh as that really rattled the kids (then age 12 & 13, settling now) but he was adamant he wouldn't move out so I did. You are stronger than you realise and it sounds very much like you need to separate.

That is horrendous, some people really are unspeakable. I hope you are getting all the help you are entitled to from MacMillan and Women’s Aid and anyone else that can.
Women’s aid can point you to a lawyer to make sure you are getting all the help you can. Never bad mouth him to the children when you see them, they will know he has behaved abominably.
So sorry this has happened to you and hope in a year’s time you can look back from a much better place. Sending a gentle hug.💐💐💐

I’m going through hell right now . I knew it was going to be bad once I was homeless but this ….i don’t know how I’m putting one foot in front of the other . I do have a domestic abuse case worker and I have support from my mental health team but I just miss my children desperately I can’t live without them . I havnt seen them for a week and have hardly spoken to the eldest 2. I don’t think I’ll see them again if I’m being honest with you . My world has ended I just need to try and live in this new world but I don’t want to