Co-parenting 5yr DD still struggling with hand over

[carrieivie]

Hi guys!
Hoping for some advice from people who have been through separation with children involved.

So i am 33 F with a 5yr DD, me and her father split approx 1.5 yrs ago, we have a brilliant co-parenting relationship, he has our DD every other weekend and also pops round during the week when he can to see her and put her bed etc.

Her father is currently living at his families home. My DD loves her dad but the handing over for her to go to his for the weekend are really bad she cries she doesn't want to go she loves me and just wants to stay at mine.

But then as soon as she is in his car and at his house she loves it ( she has cousin her age their that she plays with and has a great time with) i do face time when she is there and i see her having fun, I have asked her what it is she dont like at daddies house and she gives reasons like there is too many stairs etc, i have asked the harder questions to rule out any SA just to make sure.

is this normal? Do they grow out of it? What is going on i dont understand.

I would say normal. Very similar situation here. We separated about 2.5 years ago and the first 2 years were hard on her. Had a few very traumatic handovers with tears and crying that she didn’t want to leave me. As with you, very happy once she got there. The last 6 months she has really turned a corner and now seems very happy and settled with the situation. Just takes a while for them to accept it. Particularly when she sees you having a good relationship (as we do too) it’s difficult for them understand why you can’t all be together. Hang in there, try and support her and give her opportunities to talk about it, and if there are things she wants to change. It will get better!!

@Mapleunicorn uuuurgh thank you so much! Big relief were not alone in it and it should settle x

It's perfectly normal, itz the transition thats upsetting. A few tips,

don't handover from home to home. Go somewhere fun first then his house, meet at the park together, drop her off at softplay with him.

Tell her when you'll see her again.

Tell her something fun she'll be doing with dad.

Handover through nursery.

Make it quick, don't hang about saying goodbye.

Totally normal, same as when they go to nursery

Have a transition activity prepared for when she gets back. For us Id run DD a bubble bath and whatever time she got back she went in it and it helped her reset from Dad's house to mine.

Be aware of what you do before transitions and what you tell her you are going to do whilst she is away so she hasn't got FOMO " You are so lucky to go to Daddies, I've got to go to the shops and then clean the bathroom, what a nice time you'll be having playing with Cousin X"

When she talks about the stairs flip it into a positive "what strong legs you'll have climbing Al of those, it must feel like climbing a mountain".

Another thing that really helped for us was for me to drop her at her dads rather than him picking her up from mine. Appreciate that might not be possible depending on your circumstances, but psychologically it feels easier for them.

Thanks for all the comments guys, i have heard about the doing drop off outside of the home, so will deffo think of some ideas maybe go to her favourite restaurant then after i go home in my car and she goes in daddies, i do agree it is more easier dropping her at his transition wise but is rather far driving wise , but i think if the doing hand over at a mutual location doesnt work il have to try the dropping of at his then.