Mentally abusive husband

[EJ81]

Has anyone else been through something similar, I don’t know what to do who to spk to just need to talk 😢 it has got so bad and this is what it’s escalated to…..

ive been with my husband for 4 years and have got a 2 year old little boy and a year ago we got married ( i wasnt that bothered as i had been married before but it was lovely for him and his family ) we very early argued and it was amazing but he totally changed literally after our wedding ……
Accusing me of cheating all the time ( i havent & never would )
tracking me
recording me
checking where i am all the time
wanting to know the exact what time i get
back
so angry if im 5 minutes late
if i have any thing important planed like my sporting event that i compete at national level just before he kicks off saying he is leaving or something like that so i couldn't go as we have a baby i did manage to get to the events but very stressful
There’s always a problem ( that I've caused )
blames every thing on me
multiple times ive had to call the police on him as he has gone around to the neighbours accusing t there husbands of cheating with me seeing things like ‘ they have climbed out my window’ or following a stranger thinking he has come out of my house messaging my friend’s husbands saying ‘he knows what your up to’ getting a base ball bat leaving the house to go to their house
Messaging me/voice mails that ‘ he knows who he is’ ‘who is he’
thinks he has recordings of me with men there is nothing on there they are blank,
recording me asleep thinking he can here me masterbating
Up to 35 calls a day I do sometimes answer but that doesn’t seem to help.
Coming in to my work taking my phone saying he is going to shout it out that I’m a cheat
climbing on my roof trying to get in the house
saying he hasn’t got a key to my house then I wake up at 4am with him stood at the end of my bed.

I’ve really tried to support him but I can’t do it any more we have tried counselling couples and he does some alone as he is ex forces he has taken abit of cocain in the past but I’ve never done any type of drug so have know idea. We have been to the doctor all they have done is given him sleeping tablets.
I’ve spoke to his mum & sister but they are no help. The police said it’s like he has some kind of psychosis but unless the doctor can see him in these manic episodes he has they can’t help.

He has had so many chances in the last year but I’ve finally had enough and chucked him out I’m a strong independent person but my god it’s taken its toll I’m totally drained and exhausted, ive got the locks changed so feel safer now but it’s been a week and a half now and it’s still happening.

His answer is to why he does all this is because I don’t make him feel secure or don’t give him enough affection but no mater how much I have tried it still doesn’t make a difference and of course he doesn’t think I have.

i have told a few friends and work colleges but not to the extent of what he is doing.

Literally one minute he is ok then the next he is off his rocker, just don’t know what to do 😓 my life for the last year has been consumed with this I’m trying to run a business with 8 staff bring up my gorgeous little boy but it’s so hard

Has any one got any advice x

Sounds like a nightmare, well done for getting away.

Yes there are things you can do.

First start a diary of all incidents. Get some video doorbells which record. Make sure your house is secure. If he turns up call the police. You can contact the National Stalking Helpline for advice.

Don't block him but divert his number to voicemail. This is incase he lets you know what he's doing and also for evidence. Don't communicate with him.

You can download the Hollieguard app which acts as a personal alarm. You can also contact the council and ask about getting your home assessed for safety and locks fitted through the Sanctuary Scheme.

You could also contact your local domestic abuse organisation for support and ask about counselling. I recommend the Freedom Programme for help regarding healthy relationships.

Wish I had positive words for but I don't. Try your best to keep away from him.

This is not on you.

He clearly has some mental health issues and you need to put you and your child first. Can you get out of there for a break? Do finances/circumstances allow you to get away and clear your head without looking over your shoulder? I am in no way in a circumstance anything like this but getting away from the house for a few days gives me clarity.

Reach out to anyone that can help you- don’t be afraid of their reaction. What would you do if someone came to you telling you this? Your friends will likely act the same.

He needs professional help and you cannot be it.

The police said it’s like he has some kind of psychosis but unless the doctor can see him in these manic episodes he has they can’t help.
Tracking me
^ that is stalking behaviour and the police absolutely can do something about that. Report it again and hopefully you won't get a lazy officer next time. Or escalate it upwards, or MP, or police commissioner. Complain they are not taking the stalking and harassment seriously. Mention the recent
news articles regarding VAWG where the top police brass and MPs say they need to do better.

Contact Women's Aid for help and support. They will have come across your situation many times before unfortunately.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

Thank you for all the advice I didnt know where to start looking for help , I’m going away with friends in 2 weeks time so can switch off and will turn my phone off too..

I will now start making a note of every thing he is doing like screen shotting the amount of calls etc I’ve got a horrible feeling it might get worse before it gets better. But thank you.

Morning OP. Your husband sounds scary and you say you don't know who to talk to, but I would start by ringing a domestic abuse helpline, whether that's women's aid or a local charity.

They will advise you to start keeping a record everything so that you can apply for a non-molestation order (previously called a restraining order). You may be able to get one now, based on your previous calls to the police, and I really think you should.

It's great that's you've already changed the locks and getting video doorbells set up is a good suggestion from the previous poster too.

You sound like you've got your head screwed on, realising that you can't help him (you can't!), but you're right, it's exhausting. Get that order and then hopefully he'll stay away, and if he doesn't, he'll be arrested and hopefully get the treatment he needs for his mental health.

Mine was the same. I left. Coercive control. It was awful.

No he has not clearly got mental health issues. He's not ill. He's a nasty bastard. Stop equating his behaviour with mental health.

OP speak to the police. And speak to them every time he harasses you. Bug them. They will go and speak to him and that may be enough to stop him.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I loved it and it was awful.

You can use the Bright sky app to record evidence:
www.hestia.org/brightsky

Could have wrote this word for word..
Constant abuse
Secret voice recorders in my car to
Listen to any conversations i have over the phone or to anyone in my car..
Following me..
Constantly accusing me of cheating;(am
Not)
Hears whispering about him, usually me he thinks is whispering about him
Lies lies lies about me and took everyone away from me with his lies, including my parents
Is alcoholic but denies it
Makes me send him receipts of what i buy kids
On a public dating site, his name, photos everything..22 years married
What is wrong with me that i havnt left
I cant cope
I cant do this anymore minute longer
Had another horrendous nite tonite with psychosis
He has destroyed me and still wants to break me more
We have four children..
What is actually happening

Sorry you are going through this. It sounds like a complete nightmare and your husband sounds completely obsessive. By the sounds of it, you’ve done the only thing you can.

It sounds to me like your husband may have a serious untreated mental health problem. Or, as others said it’s coercive control. Either way, it’s an unbearable situation where you need to protect yourself. It sounds very scary and intimidating for you. You may ultimately end up having to get a restraining order to keep yourself safe.

Id get cameras if I were you for your own security and make a report to the police. Can you get counselling individually to support you? So sorry this has happened to you, it must be really overwhelming but you’ve taken action to protect yourself which is really important, and from your post I understand you are a strong person.