Ex won't stop

[Bboo3]

My ex, who left me and my 3 young children for another woman (see separate post), is now sending me harassing and bullying messages. I am posting an example below. Am I being dramatic? I have asked him not to stop contacting me, although we will still need to contact for the children visiting him, and then he sent be an email instead.

Without more context there is no way anyone can say based on that.

Was there an agreement? Are you trying to change it?

Why aren't you sticking to the agreement? What was it for?

Yes we made an agreement using the cafcass parental tool. Now we are divorcing i want this to be made legal. I'm not changing anything, I just want the arrangement we have agreed on to be a legal document. He wasn't happy with the way the solicitor worded the letter, although it was the exact same content as the agreement we had done ourselves, it just sounded more professional by the solicitor.
I asked him if there were parts in particular he wanted the solicitor to change, and all he kept saying was it needs to be the same as the plan we did ourselves. And I say it is, it's just more professional sounding.
He won't tell me which parts in particular he wants to change. I said to write an email and tell me the ammendments and I'll send them to solicitor to get another draft of the letter.
That's when he sent me the text above.

From this, he’s not harassing you, he’s trying to sort something out with you about his children. Does he have a good relationship with his children?

He sees them a few hours each week, his choice not mine. The children dont want to go but i make them, so I'm doing the right thing.
I haven't done anything wrong so why threatening me about court and joint custody?

Cant you just ignore those types of texts and emails?

Yes I try to ignore, but that's easier said than done isn't it. It's stressing me out

I don’t see that message in itself as harassing

why do you need it written down in a court order? Many people don’t and in general flexibility is preferred for child contact

Echoing others - can’t see here if he’s harassing or you’re being unreasonable or if you’re both actually just exasperated

Why don’t the children want to go ?

He sounds ranty rather than harassing.
if he wants to go to court let him. The same plan will likely be agreed anyway and he will pay thousands in court costa. At least that way you’ll have an order drawn up and made official by the court.

I'd email back

Dear ex

Thank you for your email concerning the access time for children on x date. I think there has been some misunderstanding between the CAFAs arraignment and the solicitors letter. The access arrangements will be staying the same, they will be xyzzy. If you are unhappy about this access arrangements for the dc at this stage I would suggest you make arrangements for mediation either yourself or through your solicitor.

kind regards

OP

Its polite, gives options for him and takes the tone to a much more cordial level - making it much harder for him to bring the tone down again - and if it does you have written evidence he is being obnoxious which you can take to court should he still want to pursue that option

Op you want us to say something because you have decided what you want to hear, sure you will get some telling you how terrible he is being because that is what some posters do automatically and you will listen to them because that is what you want people to say

It is probably best for everyone if you go to court get orders as is sometimes you can work on but you don't want to hear this

He won’t go for joint custody though, will he.
He will be enjoying his freedom and being Dad of the year with two meals a week.

My reply would be something like “Look, I can’t help you if you don’t understand that the legal agreement and what we said are the same. Maybe you want to pay £150/hr for someone else to explain it to you but I’m not.”

From reading his message and to what you have said previous he's just threatening joint custody he doesn't really want joint custody as he's already proved that by just seeing them a few hours a week soo he's just chatting shit to scare you.

Just get it all written up professionally and leave it at that. Don't retaliate to his messages when he threatens taking you to court and going for joint custody as it's just something he wants you to react to. Your doing everything your meant to just ignore those messages and keep to what your doing with the solicitor.

@MikeRafone i don’t think that’s polite. That’s passive aggressive and just looking for a reaction.

both parties need to stop exchanging semi threatening message and actually try to communicate about their joint children. They may disagree but that doesn’t make one party right the other wrong. They need to find common ground and focus on those areas rather than fight on the edges.

millymollymoomoo

I have nothing to gain or lose, this has nothing to do with me and im not on either side so to speak and its certainly not coming from a passive or aggressive angle?

I was looking for an email that found a solution not a negative reaction

The problem is we and the court will read theirs without tone or context.

You have the voice and tone. Do send a response, examples above are good. Try not to react it's hard but it's just going to continue escalation.

no one said you had anything to gain or lose

but if op sends a msg like that to her ex it certainly reads passive aggressive ( imo) and is likely to invoke a negative reaction

I don’t see that as an harassing & bullying message at all.

I see a dad who wants to see his kids, wants flexibility and is feeling vulnerable because you are dictating contact.

There's nothing wrong with that message. No bullying or harassment - believe me, I've seen a lot worse. Sounds like he's sticking up for himself, which he's entitled to do.

It doesn't seem like harassment, without further context.
But I would advise going to court then it's set in stone (as much as family court judgments are enforceable anyway) and there is no need in theory for further discussion as long as neither party deviates from what has been agreed.
That way the need for contact is minimised and the chance for either party to use their children as leverage or a way to control the other is hypothetically removed.

I would like to add that it was him who 'dictated ' the times he sees the children. He doesnt want them any more. And he has then cancelled tonight with them!
All I want to do is get the arrangements wrote down legally. So that way, if it goes to court, I won't be seen as stopping him seeing them. It gives structure and routine to both of us and to the children.

I wouldn't fear court. I'd actually encourage court. Why? Because then he'll have a court order he can 'tilt at windmills' with.
I don't see his message as bullying but... I've been married twice. And I know how great men can be at presenting themselves as the reasonable and sensible ones. He knows his text is evidence. He writes not only to you, but to a legal audience. He's not silly.
It doesn't surprise me in the least that the truth looks different; that he's a deadbeat dad, letting down his kids at the last minute, doing the bare minimum. And why does he want more contact? So that he can pay less maintenance.

So yeah, let it go to court. Let him adhere to the binding law of a court order. See how that goes. I think I can guess. I've been there, done that, got the t-shirt, OP. Forgive my very wary and cynical view of divorced dads, but after two marriages, three kids, and menopause, I've smashed up the rose tinted glasses. 😆

Honestly, don't fear court. No one will take the kids from you and he won't get 'more' of them. They're not an asset being divided! But if he keeps banging on like this, then the court will happily let him know what and how much his parental responsibility actually means. He'll likely wish he'd shut up a bit sooner. I wonder how his girlfriend will like playing stepmum a lot more than she expected to.