26 years of lies just discovered

[Rocketman2]

I was married for 26 years when I found my H having an affair right under my nose. That was 10 weeks ago.

ive since discovered there were plenty more affairs. In fact the entire marriage consisted of lies.

im really struggling with what’s the truth and not. I’m desperate to just know. He is refusing to tell me anything at all, just isn’t denying when I ask. I feel if I knew the truth, it would help me heal. I’m literally tearing myself to shreds with questions of ‘why’ ‘when did it start’ ‘what did I do wrong’. Etc etc

im destroying myself and don’t know how to move past this.

since I found out, I threw him out but remained very calm and rational. He’s however been disgusting. Seems furious to have been found out and now deflecting on me.

I still remain dignified.

but how do I ever ever get past the not knowing? I need peace

Try to focus on your self care and anything you can do to help your mental health.
I was cheated on over a year ago and it was a short relationship and I’m still not over it and it gave me self esteem issues and I also don’t understand but I’ve heard that cheating has nothing to do with the person that gets cheated on and is to do with issues the cheat themselves has

I'm so sorry. I've been through something similar and the shock is appalling. You will get through it. Try to have as little contact with him as possible. Do you have friends or family to support you?

I was married to a liar too. I also had the feelings like you but then actually realised he’s a liar and so you could ask and he could answe- but is it true? Really nothing he says is worth your time any more. The past is past and you don’t need anything from that waste of space. Be free. I won’t waste another minute listening to my ex as I would never know if it’s true or not, so don’t even bother. You don’t need him anymore.

You already know all you need to know - he's spent years cheating on you and lying to you. You don't need to torture yourself with all the details of who/what/when/where/how long etc. You are not the reason he cheated and it's not because you did anything wrong.

Focus on you and on your future. The past is the past and you can't change it. All you can do is go on and make a better life for yourself. What do you want? Think about trying new things and doing what you enjoy. Don't waste your headspace on him. He's really not worth the time or the energy.

It's natural that you want answers and want to understand what happened in order to heal. Your brain is trying to make sense of what happened and why.
You've spent 26 years living in a 'matrix' and have now discovered the truth. It’s truly traumatic, and it makes you question what was real and what wasn’t.

He is a liar, and based on what you've said, he doesn’t even pretend to be remorseful. You can’t count on him to deliver the truth. He sounds quite 'sociopathic.'

Seek counselling and find a good, experienced therapist if you can afford it.

You’ll never know op. You’ll never know. You need to come to terms with that before you can even begin to get over anything else. Of course knowing the whole truth will help you process it faster. He’ll never tell you though

It's not because of you. It's not because of anything you did or didn't do. I know you feel that knowing 'the truth' would help you to move forward but you're never going to get honesty from him, he probably doesn't even know what the truth is. It doesn't mean that everything about your marriage was a lie either. Work on healing and self-care, you are better without him in your life.

It's not going to help you heal, it's going to send you spiralling into looking them up online and obsessing over pictures and comparing yourself to them.

It's not a you problem, it's a him problem. The fact that he's trying to get mad at you about his affairs and lack of respect for your marriage shows you what a twat he is without even any of the rest of it.

Focus on yourself and moving forward. What nice things can do you do for yourself?

Not knowing doesn’t mean anything negative about you or who you are. It shows what lengths he has gone to to lead a double life and to disregard the feelings of LOTS of women. What a psychopath! He has been getting off on the fact that you DIDN’T know. I hate to be the master of the obvious, but these fuckers are the most likely to bring home surprises of the contagious variety. They also get off on risky behaviours. Please take yourself off to be tested for everything.

Having gone through a similar discovery, I would say that once you know the broad strokes, more details just make you more angry and more hurt.

I know there’s a temptation to want to understand the full scope of the wrongdoing but TBH once it has reached a point where you’re prepared to say “What you’ve done is unforgivable” then knowing more isn’t helpful, it’s just hurtful.

And there’s no such thing as knowing everything anyway. When someone is a long-term liar, there are always going to be things you will never know. One thing you can know is that it’s not about you; that’s just one more lie.

It's not anything you have done. But he didn't want you to know about it, what he was really like, and now you do his self-esteem is shot to pieces so he's acting out. It was important to him that you thought he was a good person because his self-image depends on you. You were/are important enough to him for him to hide his behaviour from you for 26 years. More fool him for blowing that up by being a dreadful person, and I'm glad that you knowing now is making him suffer and squirm, sorry that he's acting like a small child caught being naughty and reacting with a tantrum.

You hold your head up high and recognise that you deserve so much better.

Everything you thought you knew and tethered your identity to has been ripped away, leaving you adrift. One immediate thing to do is identify parts of yourself that are separate from him and your relationship, things that are true of you no matter what, and start anchoring your sense of identity to those instead. Outward attributes like skills, experiences, friendships, and also inner qualities, personality traits, likes/dislikes. It will help establish solid ground that you can rely on. Does that make sense? Sorry, sleepless and fuzzy-headed!

He’s furious? Yes I can well imagine he would be as the days of having his cake and eating it have gone down the drain.

Retain your dignity and don’t stoop to his level. I went through similar OP and yes I wanted to know everything, but it didn’t help it actually ripped my world apart.

Please concentrate on you, and no one else.
Make yourself priority over everyone else, I became my own best friend, and started to focus on me again. It’s a strange feeling after so many years the ex really had become my priority and I didn’t even realise it.

these days you can never be sure who the Machiavelli's are , my philosophy, appricate the conversations but try not to trust anyone or have levels of information you share with each person

Not to be too dramatic but this is a loss. You've lost not only the future you relied on but also the past you believed in for over quarter of a century.

Don't belittle this. This is a loss on the level of a bereavement. In some ways it's worse because the person you loved and trusted has chosen to do this to you.

Allow yourself time to mourn and grieve what you have lost. Expect to pass through all the stages of bereavement. Read up on those so you recognise them as they happen.

And remember this wasn't you - it's him. Don't blame yourself for his dishonesty.

26 years and 'plenty more affairs'...

I think you're going to have to come to terms with the fact that even if you locked the two of you in a room for a week and gave him a truth serum, you would never, ever find out absolutely everything. This isn't some 'one' OW and you want to know every little detail to somehow get 'closure'. It's a systematic destruction of your marriage over decades.

You need to accept you won't get closure this way. He will never tell you, and even if he did, it won't give you the peace you want.

If it were me, I'd approach it more like grief. The man you thought you were married to doesn't exist anymore, he never did. Keep telling yourself that so you can mourn the loss of what you thought you had. That is the only way you'll be able to reconcile what's happened within yourself, and eventually find peace.

I'm so sorry! Unfortunately, you may never learn the whole truth. I don't have much sage advice to offer, but look after yourself and seek therapy. You'll tear yourself up wondering & it won't help or change the situation. Big hugs.

Glad you threw the cheating bastard out I've had a similar situation 17 years I no longer know who he is I had him removed by the police This is not your fault he is an abuser and once you can accept that you can begin to put yourself back together Get some support from a domestic violence specialist and read the book Living with the dominator Be kind to yourself X

I'm so sorry OP. This is horrible. In some ways I know what it's like (although not as extreme as your situation).

I recommend therapy, if you can afford it, but the only real way to move past it is time and patience.

I never really stopped feeling resentful about my own situation - but I have moved on and enjoy my life now, and barely think about him and what he did.

You have to understand that, at this point, even if he were to "tell you everything", you wouldn't know that it really was everything. There have been so many lies that you simply won't ever be able to trust him, even if he does now tell the truth, you probably wouldn't believe that it was the whole truth.

You will only hurt yourself at this point by continuing to dig into this. It's really, really hard, but you need to walk away and lick your wounds. That's all you can really do. You'll never understand why he did what he did.

Hugs to you OP, it will get better, I promise.

He’s furious? Yes I can well imagine he would be as the days of having his cake and eating it have gone down the drain. @Icepinkeskimo

Yep! It's quite a common reaction in people who cheat and are found out to become angry, frustrated, try to deflect etc. That was what happened in my situation too and it felt like gaslighting to be honest.

OP, you need to simply ignore all of these reactions from him, and know that you did nothing wrong.

He's treating you disgracefully and no wonder you're devastated.

It's not a surprise that he's turned on you either. This is how narcissists behave.

Quite frankly, the only way you'll ever find out what he may have been up to is to hire a PI.

As an aside, please have a full std test done.

Yes to this.

And there is the immense trauma of realizing you've been comprehensively betrayed.

You don't need to know. Even if he told you, how would you know he was being truthful when he's lied to you all the way through? This way of thinking gives him power over you still. It will make you unwell.

There is a grief for the loss of the life you thought you had and then that usually becomes anger that he did this to you. Use the anger, it is cathartic.

Focus on you now and realise that he was only ever looking after himself. Whatever happens going forward, you are the priority, he doesn't get a look in. It will be ok, you will be ok.

The crux of this is that he lies

I expect he lies and often doesn't even know he's lying but mostly he just lies. Probably to everyone and definitely to himself

It's in his DNA

PLEASE stop trying to find the truth....you can't, you just can't.

Spend your time healing your pain and making sure that you are financially compensated 🩵💙🩵

Sadly you'll never get the truth. The sooner you get therapy for yourself the better!! I speak from experience, as do many others who have posted before me. Be very mindful of the mental damage this can cause you, I went round and round for almost 4 years trying to make sense of it all - then I walked out!! Shut him out your life and surround yourself with people who you love and can trust. Big hugs x