Pregnant and lonely

[MyRoseMaker]

Would love some advise. My husband and I have been together 20 years and married for 12. We’ve had our ups and downs like all marriages but I thought he was my soul mate. I am currently 9 months pregnant due to have the baby in the next two weeks. We already have two children aged 10 and 15.
About 8weeks ago my husband told me he wanted a separation. He didn’t really given me an explanation just that we need to amicably separate now to avoid it being a horrible separation in 6 months. It has taken me by complete surprise and I feel like my world has been pulled away from under my feet. One of the main problems is we live in a house provided by his work, so it is me who has to leave. And after years of working around the kids to support his career I am not in a position to do so. He has also let me down financially so many times through gambling and dishonesty we have no savings.
We are trying to live together to get the kids through the next school year, mainly as my oldest is sitting her GCSEs.
I just feel so lost. I hate it when he’s home as I have so many mixed emotions around him, anger being the dominant one at the moment. He tells me he’s actually been unhappy for two years but hasn’t told me that. For about the past year he has been going out with a friendship group every Wednesday evening, two females and his male best friend who I saw as part of our family. I’ve also socialised with them, though not so much since being pregnant. I thought I was doing the right this letting him have “him” time, but looking back this is a bit odd for a married family man. I’ve since found out in the last few weeks that he has developed feeling for one of the women and asked her out for a date in the future, there’s also been times when the others haven’t been there and it’s just the two of them. According to him she said no to a date at the moment because of the babies arrival, but I just know he’s not telling me the full truth. He only admitted this to me as I apparently wore him down. He was literally telling me how much he loved me two months ago and was still sleeping with me about 6 weeks ago. He has said he can’t rule out they’re going to have a relationship in the future. I am so angry with them both, he said it’s not fair to blame that on why we are breaking up but I find this very difficult. I suggested had he spent a little more time with his family rather than socialising with her maybe this wouldn’t happen.
My main issue is that she is my neighbour and my kids see her around all the time to chat too. My son quite often watches his dad play football and chats to her as she’s there watching. I’ve said this is not ok, I don’t want any of the kids talking to her but he disagrees. We’ve literally been separated for 8weeks after 20 years together. But he is adamant he’s done nothing wrong at all. I just don’t know how to act around him and how to obsessing over the two of them. It’s even harder when he’s still out “socialising”with her once a week and I feel will be even harder once the baby arrives. Any advise would be greatly appreciated.

You poor thing. I can't even imagine.
Your H is a cruel piece of shit to do this to you.
Bullshit, done nothing wrong.... He is the lowest of the low.
That other woman should be very wary of throwing in her lot with someone capable of treating someone like that scumbag has treated you.
You need legal advice. You need to be very tough.
Do you have someone who can support you over the birth?

Do not separate from this man. Divorce him now, formally. Go to your local council and explain you're being evicted from your home and they have a duty to house you and the children. Do you work?

You cannot live there under this weird separation while he carries on with another woman and you're left parenting two kids and a newborn. No way in hell should he be able to do this to you.

Thank you for your replies. I’ve spent the last few weeks thinking this is my fault so hearing that makes me feel a bit better.
I do work full time, but on a very low wage around the kids and am going on maternity leave at the end of this week.
I’ve asked him not be at the birth but outside as he makes me feel so weak. I am having a planned c section though so know I will need him which is very hard.

This is NOT your fault. He's an absolute prick. I know those are strong words but they're definitely needed here. How DARE he.

I’m so sorry. I don’t really have any advice but just wanted to express how shitty this is. Do
you have anybody around to help support you through this?

I do have friends who I can call in emergencies and my family are close by. But I feel like I cannot really tel my family the whole truth about the situation as they’ll be really upset and angry with him. And once the baby comes I want them to be able to come around, not have to have any awkwardness with him there.
i told him yesterday I was struggling with feeling of anger towards him, that he’s literally broken me and his reply was that he had actually done nothing wrong and I was emotionally blackmailing him, and weaponising what he told me about the other woman against him.

You are so good and thoughtful. He never deserved you.
I think you really should tell your family and friends the full story.
It happened. They can support you more when they know the full story.
The reality is that he made a choice to do this to his child.

If he ever shows himself to be anything less than a despicable parent, you can ask them to be polite to him.
He is the one who has made things like this. Don't cover for him.

Wow. What a shit.

Definitely agree that telling friends and family is a good thing - just a circle of trusted people who will support you. Otherwise you’re carrying even more and, frankly, you’ve more than enough.

Fitting in some really good counselling will be challenging with a new baby I’m sure but if you can find a way when the dust has settled, it could help start to process the massive emotional load this has chucked your way at the start of your youngest child’s life.

And him telling you he’s done nothing wrong? Not enough four letter words to describe what total BS that is. Imagine if a good friend described this situation to you with their partner? Hopefully you’d be absolutely outraged on their behalf? You can be that outraged for yourself, and then listen to what that anger is telling you.

Hope your birth goes really well.

No, no, no, this is definitely not your fault. He chose to go out with this woman leaving you at home caring for your DC. Get his employer to evict you and go to council. They will get you to bid for houses. You will be a high priority with 2 DC and soon to have a baby. Make him pay maintenance for DC. I wouldn't let him.be at the birth. He's lost that right. Honestly if he has a history of gambling and now this he's not a great loss and you'll probably be better off without him once you get a house to live in. As he's keeping your home make sure you get most of the furniture if there are no savings. Go to CSA and make sure he pays maintenance. You should be able to get UC once you move out you'll get a housing allowance too. Could you ask a friend to be there when you have C section. Would your friends rally around after you get out of hospital for the first week.

When your family come around to see you, you can ask him to go out until they have gone. You need to tell your family and friends so they can properly support you and don't protect his appalling behaviour.

He knows full well he's broken his wedding vows to you. He is gaslighting you. If he had not cheated you wouldn't be broken. Don't allow this narrative. Tell him he's a nasty bastard and he's let you and your DC down when you are heavily pregnant and at your most vulnerable. I suppose he doesn't want your DC to know he's having an affair and kicking you out of the martial home either. I'd tell them too and about your neighbour. Make him and her face the consequences of his betrayal of you.

There is a special place in hell for men like this.
This is not your fault.
Tell your family and friends, don't keep it inside
Speak to the council/ citizen advice bureau etc
I'm sending you love and hugs x

I didn’t want to read and run. First and foremost he’s not your friend. He has checked out and if he placates you with niceties or blaming you it’s part of the script to repaint the absolute shit show of his behaviour.

if you cannot tell family and friends and repeat it over and over again a suggestion that helped me was a simple worded message that you send to one friend and ask them to send it out with a strict caveat:
please don’t contact me asking for information. I am in no state to discuss - put it on repeat:

or you write the message and send to all. the minute you send it your real loving family and friends will respect your wishes but more importantly will have your back.

You are in a vulnerable position and be knows it. With the housing situation I would speak as soon as possible even if it is news you don’t want to hear. Forewarned is warned no matter the news, yes you need to get your ducks in a row but this is where you are going to need family/ friends you 💯 can trust because his whole sorry mess he has caused is at a time when you need to be focusing on yours and yours babies health.

Msg me if need be when you can! I had my STBXH living part time at the martial home whilst conducting an affair whilst I was trying to manage my daughters self harming and my mothers dying. That is to say I was not in a strong position to boot him out or deal with the absolute ass of a DH mine was until I reached out. I kept everything to myself for a year. Once I told one person I realised I deserved better.

this is the same with you - you need to find out about accommodation / safety and due to imminent baby you need a support team around you that doesn’t include Assling - I’m so mad on your behalf if you were near me I’d be over there in a flash cleaning, cooking and helping you so could if not emotionally rest physically rest and give you a big hug

Thank you so much for your replies. They are making me feel stronger. I have approached the council and have an assessment coming up to assess need.
His friend has also reached out to me and said how hurtful this all is and unsettling which suggests to me that he knows more about the whole picture. But it is also nice to know that he is supportive of me too.
I am trying so hard to be strong for my babies, and have told a few close friends the whole situation so I know they’ll have my back if I need it. I’m just a bit petrified about the birth and being alone and the recovery after. The last thing I want to do is ask him for anything at all. He keeps telling me he’s here for me, but doesn’t seem to grasp that that’s the last thing that brings me any comfort.

This is soo awful. He sounds deranged and shameless. You are about to give birth and you need to leave the house. He was socializing as 2 couples while leaving pregnant wife at home? It’s so amoral and disgusting. Sorry I don’t have advice except sue the shit out of him

I agree with this. I have never been in this situation and I'm so sorry that you are, especially at what should be a lovely and special time, but I want to urge you to please consider telling your family (at least) the whole story. One mistake I realise I have made, although in very different circumstances, is trying to keep the peace and therefore inadvertently protecting my XP from the natural consequences of his actions. By not telling others what has happened to are protecting him and disadvantaging yourself. You don't have to be malicious, simple facts speak for themselves
This is ABSOLUTELY not your fault and you deserve the full support of those who love you. I would want to be there for a friend or family member in this situation, as I'm sure you would if it were the other way around. Do let your support network know what's going on and give them the chance to support you.
And if you want unbiased advise, contact Women's Aid to let you know what practical support is available to you. Sending you lots of luck OP xx

Thank you for this. My baby is actually 6 months now and so much happened. I managed to get through the birth, and had two months where I lived in a little bubble with the kids and my baby. He was out most of the time and only supported minimally to create the illusion to others he was a good guy. He even spent his paternity time (which he bizarrely took when she was 8 weeks old instead of when I actually needed him) sneaking off to the OW, where I literally watched him walk out our front door and into hers.
Anyway - I literally caught them up to all sorts in my car when he was supposed to working and he was professing his love for her. This actually gave me the strength to leave and go to my parents and tell them everything.
I’m now still with them, and effectively homeless as nowhere wants to rent to a single mum and the council aren’t helping because of martial law etc! But the divorce is going through and I’m getting there day by day. He doesn’t see much of his new baby, only two hours twice a week and is playing happy families with the OW and my older two. My son is with me and goes every other weekend and can’t have one day without her “popping up” in his words. My daughter is still with him due to a severe lack of space, but tells me she can’t escape her and she has to go with it or she won’t see her dad at all. This makes me sad, but we will get there. Just got to keep strong and keep going.

@MyRoseMaker hi. Wondered how you were getting on? I am due mu 2nd baby in 2 months and husband has left, effectively for someone else. Reading similar stories on here and hoping to take some strength from others who may have went through something similar.x

Hi - my baby is now 9 months old and she is thriving. I ended up leaving the house when she was two months old and am with my parents currently trying to find somewhere to live. I’m not going to lie it is not easy, but everyday that goes I get a little bit stronger. I now see all the awful things he did, and getting away from all the control and manipulation has meant I’ve started to be able to focus on who I want to be.
Please instant message me, anytime. You need to be focusing on yourself. Take one day at a time and as hard as it is lean on anyone around you that you trust. You’ve got this! Xx

@MyRoseMaker glad things are going better for you, how are you feeling overall and how is co parenting? I wish I could fast forward to this time next year to see how my life unfolds, and just can't help thinking of what could have been. Its a lot. X

It is a lot - this is a time where you should be focusing on yourself and your little one. Overall I feel stronger, and I think being hopeful of a new better life is keeping me going.
Co-parenting is tough. Trying to navigate that with someone like my ex was never going to be easy. She doesn’t do overnights yet, and my advise is to build things up gradually. But you must make sure you are looking after yourself too, it’s such an emotional time anyway without going through this too. Speak to your midwife, and I really recommend some talking therapy. I am still having this and I truly feel like this has saved me some days. I feel desperately lonely some days, especially when I have to drop my baby off to him and his affair partner, but I am trying to use these times to focus on my wellbeing.

@MyRoseMaker Yeah im trying to plan some groups I can join after baby is born just for me, to hopefully increase my social circle and have a bit of focus on myself. I really hope we can co parent well going forward and there is a big part of me that wants to just act like his friend in the hope that seeing him is less stressful but I also don't want him to be able to not face the reality of what he has done to me. I suspect ill try all different approaches until I run out of steam.