Teens living arrangements

[Divorce4u]

I have older teens and trying to figure out post divorce living arrangements.

they're not going to want to move between homes so how do we arrange things so we can live separately but the kids lives aren’t thrown into disarray!

Do you live close by?

in my own experience teens like one home with ability to almost come and go as they chose to fit sport/friends etc

no fixed arrangement

Have you asked them? Are you sure they would rather live in only one home rather than spending time regularly with both parents?

I ask this as a divorced parent of older teens who move between homes. Depending on circumstances, it can be the best alternative. Feel free to DM me in case you want more detail on how we have organised it.

we Are trying to come up with ideas before we discuss tbh. Still living together

Mine just flitted between both houses, they had bedrooms in both houses and we didn't live that far apart so it was doable. You need to work out where you are both going to live and ideally if it's closer to each other it's easier but I know that's not always ideal.

Our split was easy and we stayed friends (we were friends for most of our lives before we had a relationship) so the kids never felt any pressure to be at both houses equally.

I would have thought they'd prefer to stay in one home and just visit the other when they choose to. A rigid routine probably isn't going to work with older teens who normally just want to control their own social lives. My parents divorced when I was an older teen and I would have absolutely hated having a room at my dad's and staying there. I suppose it might depend on how far apart you'll be living as to whether this is necessary.

Are you going to be selling / moving from the family home? If one of you isn't id say thee is a good chance the kids will stay out there unless the parent staying won't do all the running about after them.

My nieces are mid/late teens and they do week on week off but their parents live within walking distance and neither stayed in the family home. They were slightly younger at the split and I think it wasn't presented as a choice but also they needed taking here and there for hobbies and that was part of the arrangement.

If you have not told them yet, then the most important thing is for each of you to tell them that you love them and will be there for them, even if you will no longer be together, and that the reasons for your separation relate only to the dynamics between yourself and your STBX. And give them some time to digest that.

Then, regarding living arrangements, perhaps you could agree some options with your STBX and then present them with those options, either in the same conversation or later if they are not ready at the same moment to hear about that. If they can have a say in the arrangements, it may be easier for them, but your needs are also legitimate and you also should get to have a say. Also, they might find it easier if you and STBX present them with a "default" option that suits both of you so that they will not feel any need to choose sides between the two of you.

What actually makes sense also depends to a large extent on quite a few circumstantial factors such as:

1. How old are they, and how independent are they? For instance can they each take care of their own meals, including shopping, or are they accustomed to having meals prepared for them by a parent?
2. is either you or your STBX likely to stay in the family home, or are you both moving out into new places?
3. What does each of you and your STBX want and need in terms of time living with each of the children, and in terms of predictability?
4. Is there enough money available for each of you and the STBX to keep a suitable home with enough space for the children to stay when they want, or is there not enough for that?
5. Are you and your STBX likely to both remain living close to their school(s), or not?
6. Is either you or your STBX likely to live with another partner any time soon, or not?

Living close together seems like the best solution. Then they can come and go without official arrangements.

We live close by and do week on/off. The kids (18 and 16) seem to be fine with that although they've done it for years now. I've offered to change from time to time but they don't want to. I think bedroom arrangement is key. Will they have their own rooms in both houses. For a teen that's everything really ! And then being close hel0s when they forget stuff ad they generally do

Can one of you stay in the family home or does it have to be sold right away?

If you keep the family home, some people do ‘birdnesting’, where a small flat is rented or bought and each parent lives there week on/week off, spending the other week at the family home. The children remain in the family home. It requires quite a lot of trust as you’d effectively be roommates who don’t see each other.

The other option to keep the family home and stability for the children is one parent stays in the family home and the other rents/buys a small place nearby but there’s no expectation of overnights if it’s not affordable to get a big enough place.

Or you sell and both buy places.

Thanks for views. I will out myself to anyone who knows me but here goes

i I would stay in the house. Money not a problem in terms of living arrangements. DH currently abroad 2/5 weeks so I solo parent a lot and the kids expect me around I guess but it will make my work life a lot harder if he’s not around 3/5 of the weeks!

dc are 17 and 14 and will not want to be between houses. Oldest has mental health issues which has been really hard and why we’ve stayed together so far but my DH wants a ‘supportive’ wife and us living together isn’t going to hold much longer.

I'm trying really hard to keep it together with peri and depression and managing a child with mental illness and an ND child and I’m not sure I can cope if the 2/5 weeks solo parenting turns into 5/5

If the ND child will not cope with moving between houses, but you also do not want to become the sole resident parent, do you think that "nesting" would be possible for you and your ex?

"Nesting" would entail that each of you and your DH gets a smaller place close to the house, and you keep the house, and your children live there full time, and on any given day, either you or your DH is staying there (but not both).

So in your situation you might have to live there for the 2/5 he is travelling for work, and in your own place part or all of the 3/5 when he is not travelling.

If one of you is bad at tidying up in the house, perhaps a jointly funded cleaner comes on the transition date, so if for instance stereotypically he is more of a slob, then the cleaner comes on the day when he switches out and you switch in, so you still get a nice clean house.

It would be shite for your schedule to depend on his - but perhaps less shite than being a solo parent? But obviously this only works if he can cope with the children without you.

So in your ideal scenario, OP, would you like your DH to live in the marital property with the teens on his 3/5 weeks, and you to live elsewhere?

I don’t know tbh. I’ve never really lived apart from them so would be hard for us all I think! I guess I’m their constant.

if I had the choice I wouldn’t keep this house as it’s too big and I hate cleaning!! But the kids are settled and its ideal location.

the nesting sounds interesting. Perhaps he could have the spare room while I’m elsewhere

You are asking the right question! If OP works out what she wants before making any proposal, it is more likely to go well for her.

Ideally I wouldn’t be having to think about it but ultimately I want what’s best for the kids

Mine spend their time more or less equally between homes. Periodically we ask if they are ok with that and if they want to stick to the old custody schedule and they always say yes. In reality they often swap around depending on their commitments but we live close by so it isn't really hard for them to be at the "right" house.

They have two of most things - hygiene items, clothes, chargers etc. and then laptops, coats, trainers etc move with them. It's been good for them - one is a supremely organised forward planner and the other is perhaps less chaotic than would have been the case otherwise.

I think it helps that they have never had to pick one "home". They say they like having different traditions, ways of living and so on. I think it has made them more flexible. But they've done it for a long time. If we were starting now maybe we'd need to think differently. Certainly I'd be involving them in discussing plans, logistics etc.

I mean in your ideal divorced scenario, of course! I’m sorry you’re having to reimagine ‘ideal’, of course.

You’ve said conflicting things which are that you want the kids’ needs to come first, therefore both they and you stay put as is, but also that you really don’t want to be the only parent 24/7, 5 weeks out of 5, so you want their father to take on as much parenting as possible. Obviously if you’re not going to continue to live together in one house then those wishes are in conflict, as he would then need a property big enough to house the kids AND they’d need to split time away.

What does he want to happen, out of interest? Are you mutually ‘decoupling’ or one of you driving it more?

ill admit to not being the best wife and he wants to have a better relationship. So I’ll give him credit for at least not having an affair! I thought we could hold on a bit longer but resentment is breeding contempt

he is happy to move out but logistically I’m going to struggle without the cleaner and I will have to go full time which will be hard without sharing the wfh to be around for the kids which we’ve managed over the last few years. I just feel like he’s taking the easy way out and leaving me to deal with the crap as always

I will say nesting sounds great but becomes an issue when one of you starts a serious relationship. A friend was doing this but when her ex got a girlfriend the house had to be sold. My friend didn't want the girlfriend staying in the family home and he and his girlfriend wanted to live together.

Yes I can see more thinking is needed. We also have a dog who neither kid will want to be away from!!!

I’ve nested and one child hated it. Now have separate properties. One moves between as they can drive. Eldest when home from uni gopes opposite house to the middle one as they share rooms. Youngest prefers to stay in one place as it a near school and mates. I couldn’t afford to buy in old location so we aren’t close by.