How to come to terms with losing my "family"?

[mehmehmeh123]

Hi, just looking for a bit of perspective.

I broke up with my partner of a decade at the beginning of the year. He had a range of his own issues that needed to be worked through and we were in knots of communication and I was at my wits end. We still did things together like days out and holidays with our toddler and he would still care for him in the home that we shared.

He has recently "fallen in love" after meeting someone a month earlier. Apparently their connection is unreal. But wanted to continuing parenting in the way that we were. Despite all our problems I had always hoped that we might be able to work things out and be a family and together again. And have taken his rewriting of the recent past and his disregard for me really hurtful. Not to mention seeing how sad our child is at this sudden change.

I feel very heartbroken and sad and miss the potential of my family unit coming together again.

I guess what I am the saddest about though, is I had always wanted more children.

Looking through options I can't see any that would be ideal... Sperm donation? Dating apps? Has anyone got any positive stories of finding a partner who really loves your children from your past relationships? Does anyone have any positive stories of having more kids with a bigger age gap? Looking for a bit of hope.

Thanks for reading.

That sounds so tough OP. To give you some reassurance, I met my partner when my eldest was four, we went onto have another child when my eldest was nine. There's nothing wrong with a big age gap, its actually much easier to meet the individual needs of both children.

But please don't rush into anything, you are still hurting and it's natural that now your ex has moved on you'll want to do the same, but the last thing you need right now is another child. I didn't introduce my child and partner for over a year, these things take time. You need time to heal from the loss of a ten year relationship, it's not even been a year. Dating is much more fun when you're not looking for "the one"

Your ex is being very cruel telling you details about his new relationship, to protect yourself and your child from seeing the pain this causes you, you really need to start separating things properly now and living separate lives. There's no reason why you both can't continue to be excellent parents.

Good luck x

On the positive story side, my mum met my dad (who is actually my stepdad) when I was 5 and they had my little sister when I was 8. I’m really close to my dad, never felt he loves me any less than my sister and I get on great with her too.

Waaay too soon to be even thinking about another child, OP. Grieve the end of the relationship, and focus on yourself and your child, and on maintaining a workable co-parenting set-up. Now is absolutely not the time to rush into big decisions.

Thank you all. I am just so sad that this is how things have turned out. I am hoping it starts to feel better soon.

@mehmehmeh123 I don't have any advice. But that I am with you. I so want another child and considered the options like you have. Our separation was only 6 months ago and so I think it just wouldn't be fair on our 5yo. But. I still think about it so much and wonder what I will do. How old is you little one? How old are you?

@Sarahd3342 I am 31 and I have a 3 y/o.

What about you?

I am so sorry that you are going through this too. I feel like for me motherhood and family has always been the thing that I wanted most. I realise I am really lucky to have the child I do and also that I am out of a relationship that didn't make me happy. But I am still struggling with accepting this or just waiting to see what might happen...

Hi OP

I know it’s been a long time since your post but I’ve found myself in the same situation as you. Ex met somebody very soon and we’ve gone from still hanging out and doing stuff together to doing it separately and I’m finding it so hard, especially over the holidays. How are things now? I’m hoping to hear that it gets easier. Everyday is a struggle with crying and wishing we were still all together

I’m in a similar situation. I miss my family unit desperately. The weekends are the hardest, all the little things we used to do as a family. Seeing other families out together is very hard. I too was the one to leave but I still really miss being a part of a family. Ex just came to pick up DC1 and it’s just left me feeling empty and sad. I too hope it will get better with time.

@BaaBaaStripySheepI can imagine seeing families out is difficult but not every couple is living like that.

There will be plenty in the situation that we were in when ours were younger where one of us had to work weekends and there are lots of threads on MN about men opting out of family life at the weekend to cycle or play golf, football, cricket, hockey whilst the women are left to clean the house, look after the children, do the food shopping and generally sort out absolutely everything.

Things will get better