What exact ducks do I need?

[Helpagirlout222]

Hi, I know there have been many posts about this but I'm all over the place and would appreciate some advice.
"D"H has just admitted to having an affair. He's left the house and is coming back later to tell the kids.
I've told him I need access to his finances and he has agreed, but I don't even know what I need. I'm sure he'll change his mind soon but I'd really like a practical list of what I should do next, can anyone advise?
Thank you so much.

no experience but you would need:

• a bank account in your name only, that he cannot touch (no joint account) ideally with some money in it
• take photos of bank statements and any evidence of his/yours financial assets (he may try to hide them later)
• make sure your passport and kids passports and other documents are kept somewhere safe
• get in touch with a solicitor as you will need professional advice

a lot of men promise all kinds of things in terms of money and playing nice but then they change their mind. This ALWAYS happens so pretend to trust him whilst you build your defences

You need to find a solicitor.
Do you have joint finances or some separate?
Do you work?
Get the house valued (you need 3 valuations) so you can work out the equity in it.
Get your CETV for your pensions (this can take a matter of weeks so get it started as soon as you can)
You can download Form E online. This is used to declare all your financial information so you can start collating that. It can take some time to complete the form.
I would agree with the previous poster about photographing any financial info you can (I discovered my ex had an ISA with £50K+ in it! He also had worked out how much of a mortgage he could afford and how much maintenance he would have to pay me!)
Make a note of your utility providers and account numbers.
Divorce can be done online but make him do that as he will have to pay (£600)
You need to get that running in the background while you sort the financial order out.
Work out if you can afford the house if you want it (speak to your mortgage provider or fill out a mortgage in principle form online)

Sorry you’re going through this OP. It’s shit!

Get a good Solicitor first, ASAP. They will tell you what you need to do and in what order and advise on mediation if that's indicated. Some solicitors offer specialist mediation where parties aren't in agreement about how to proceed and timescales.
A Solicitor has all the ducks you need, OP.
Good luck.

If you think he’s not going to be honest when declaring all of his financial information then while he’s out of the house right now, have a root through wherever you keep paperwork and take photos of everything, make sure you get photos of account numbers, reference numbers, amounts, etc.

You’re looking for bank accounts, investments, ISA’s, pension info, mortgage info, any assets like rental houses, savings accounts. Photograph it all.

Why would he simply hand those over? I wouldn’t

in the short term you need to agree

is there a family home with mortgage - if so
how will mortgage and bills be paid

what arrangements for children will there be

beyond that in terms of divorce and financial settlement you can read up a lot on line in terms of the principles of this, you can seek legal advice to educate yourself.

for that both parties will need to disclose all assets, cash, equity, pensions etc held in both joint and individual names.

how they are split will ultimately depend on

what there is
needs of both parties
housing ages minor children
earnings and earnings potential of each party
ages of both parties
length of marriage ( possibly cohabitation too)

Hit with requests now while he's still feeling guilty.
Get important documents and anything else that are really precious stored somewhere safe. (He can get a copy of a marriage certificate etc if he needs it later.)
There are good sources of info online which you can use to help keep solicitors bills down (for example I got a couple of guides to Form E from solicitors websites online). Also for financials don't scrimp and save on the figures - give realistic figures for how much haircuts for you and children really cost for example.

Ideally if your children can have someone independent to talk to as well. Also do tell their schools.

Op do you work?

can you apply for any benefits you may be entitled to
what access to money you have /need etc. a lot will depend on answer to do you work

things will take time both emotionally and legally so you need to think what immediately needs to happen / eg bills need paying, people need to eat etc and whose paying what and access to accounts etc vs longer term split of assets

And don’t fall for the “let us do this without solicitors like civilised people and keep it nice” s that is never in the woman’s interest. You need to make sure it is done fairly and legally

You can actually achieve both
you can both be civil, fair and agree between you without spending thousands on lawyers. You can still get a fair outcome.

Will obviously depend on many factors of course but if you can view it as a business transaction, compromise, negotiate which doesn’t mean capitulation, it is absolutely possible. The best solicitors will actually advise and encourage this especially in cases where finances are not that complicated ( eg a house and pension are the only assets)

when one party is straight to solicitor with a ‘take them to the cheaper approach’ refuses to be rational they will end up spending thousands and lots of emotional time and energy which benefits no one ( other than the lawyers)

ive seen many cases where both parties have approached it with a position of fairness in the belief that neither wants the other to financially struggle

Obviously there are cases where this simply isn’t possible but a good mediator could help you assess this

Thank you all, much appreciated. DCs are teens so I'm worrying about uni expenses next year.
I work FT, he is retired working PT (so obviously plenty of time for an affair!)
I have no desire to see him struggle but equally I don't want to be left struggling myself.
No joint accounts, both names on the mortgage.

I have no desire to see him struggle

Meh, he’ll have to increase his working hours if he’s going to struggle financially with a fair split.

Or the OW can support him.

Oh absolutely @SauviGone ! I just mean I'm not a take him to the cleaners type. Only because I think that does the kids a disservice ultimately.

Your biggest issue is going to be housing.

What would you like to happen regarding housing?

How far away from retirement are you?

do you understand how much equity there is? What both of your pension pots are? Are you near in age?

how old are your children ? You mention uni next year - is that the eldest or youngest ?

You need to know

All his bank accounts
His pension (s)
What property he owns
Savings/investments
Shares he owns

He needs to know yours too.

Once the kids leave school or hit 18 they won’t factor into any settlement. They would benefit from living with the lower wage earner when they apply for loans.

what age are they? What age is he, why is he already retired. What age are you. As it stands he sounds like the weaker party.

I'm years and years from retirement. He took very early retirement early 50s. I'm late 40s and imagine will be working for another 20 years.
Eldest starts uni (if it's finally do able) next Sept, youngest a few years away.
I'd love to stay in our current house but it's too big and too expensive. I know he wants to maximise its value so says he won't rush a sale.

His retirement status is an issue here. It is relatively unusual for people to be able to retire in their early 50’s, unless they are in a high value job. It is common amongst front line workers, police, army, medical staff and fire. There is usually a strong case for them to be declared medically unfit to work. They often have access to advice and support about all thing divorce linked to their profession and pensions. They protect their pensions. How old is he now?

Age disparity and any health factor that would stop him working is going to make the divorce complex. He is potentially the low earner with limited ability to improve productivity or earnings.

In terms of your children. One will presumably be taking exams this spring and after that will leave school. The other will be taking exams at some point over the next few years. Legally there is a case to be made to avoid disruption to their school education. Which can mean house sales are deferred until the exams are over.

You say he seems ok with the idea of deferring a house sale. This could be good for the children. It could also be good for him. It may not be good for you in terms of the settlement you end up with.

The older he gets the more likely he is to argue that he needs all or most of his pension and he needs an equity share. Basically if he is prevented from working ft or at all, he cannot maximise his income or build a pension. His needs increase.

meanwhile your needs decreases. Once the youngest reaches 18 and leaves school they are no longer a dependent. Your needs become a one bedroom flat and you have the potential to improve your income and pension provision.

None of that might matter if your have a lot of wealth and a high income. You could still be able to afford to house and fund your children’s university.

So to answer your question, the ducks in row is not just about knowing your marital finances (this is were you disclose assets and liabilities) but also thinking about timings and leverage. His personality and behaviour also play a part.
Once you know this you can strategise how you approach the divorce. Being confrontational isn’t always the best approach especially if you have a lot to lose and not a lot to leverage.

in your OP you state that you priority is financially supporting your children through university. But this isn’t a legal entitlement that can be enforced. You have no leverage on this point and you need to think about how and if he can be influenced to support you on this.

Thank you that's hugely useful and a lot to digest.
We are both public sector, he has taken retirement at the normal age for his role. No ill health etc.
He is able and willing to work PT, or indeed FT, now.

Reading your post again- I have no reason to think he wouldn't support through uni...he prides himself fiercely on being a "good dad" and there's actually always been an element of one upmanship there!

If you have a joint account then get the bank to freeze it so he cannot empty it.
Open a bank account with a separate bank so it cannot be linked to any joint accounts.
Get your pay/benefits paid in to the new account.
Apply for any relevant benefits . 25%discount on council tax is the most obvious.
Get an STI test done.

Most importantly. Don't listen to him. Listen to the advice of professionals. He's only going to be thinking of his own interests.

@MrsMoastyToasty ·
If you have a joint account then get the bank to freeze it so he cannot empty it.

The bank won't do that without his agreement?

There are different ways for him to support them through university. Both of you will be single with different financial priorities to what you have at the moment. Your idea of how to support them may be different from his and not achievable once your assets are split up.

For example he seems on page with keeping the family house for a bit. If that ensures they can complete exams before a move that is a positive. But it becomes unreasonable to expect the sale to be deferred until they leave university if he needs the equity to find his own place. There would be a huge inequity in you having a large home to entertain your adult children if he lived in a tiny flat for years on end.

Its important to be aware that divorce laws and the assets you have can only provide for so much. This is something you cannot change and if you end up in fighting it out in court the outcome might not be what either of you like. Plus you can waste a lot of money. If what you want isn’t achievable in court you should try to avoid ending up there.

If you are two reasonable people who care about your children, you should be able to find a compromise that gives you both a new life individually and as parents. Most people I know have used mediation and avoided huge legal bills. You both have your own interests and your own views on how you should support the children. It’s important to realise they may be different but there will be an intersection. Build on that. if it doesn’t work out then bring in lawyers to fight your case.

My ex stated explicitly that he would support his adult children if they needed.
One asked for financial help to deal a course during COVID and he just told them to get a job , also knowing we were moving 80 miles 6 weeks later.
Another asked him to be a rent guarantor and he declined - I ended up found it despite being on a low wage.