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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Pls help me

7 replies

ChipsAndEggz · 03/10/2024 19:34

I'm trying to leave my husband. We are so unhappy. It's been dragging on for so long. I feel so miserable. He does not give a shit about me.

I have two kids. One is autistic. One is v young and v v v attached to me (screams when I leave the house, begs me every day to take him to nursery instead of daddy, leaves the room if I leave the room).

I'm totally in knots about it. I'm going to make my chidlren so deeply unhappy. Neither will cope with two homes.

I can cope with the finances, the house, the telling everyone. I just can't bear the impact on the kids

How do people do it. I can't rely on H to be emotionally mature or fair and he is likely to say some v horrible things about them to me

I feel stupid positing here but I have no one really to talk to. Any words of wisdom. I'm totally and utterly stuck and have been for a year. I vowed 2024 would be the year to just make a decision either way and it's October and I'm still here, still paralysed by guilt and worry

OP posts:

heldinadream · 03/10/2024 19:39

Oh gosh lovely, so sorry to hear how hard this is.
Firstly- are you and he actually married? Makes a difference to both process and outcomes.
What's the housing situation? Owned, rented? In whose name etc?

Your children are going to be better off with you happy you know. You can do this. And they will be OK. You all will.

DrummingMousWife · 03/10/2024 19:41

You need to seek legal advice about finances before you do anything else.

AutumnFroglets · 03/10/2024 19:51

Speak to a solicitor regarding finances, selling the house, divorce and child arrangements. It will cost a couple of hundred but will be worth its weight in gold for the clarity it will give you.

If the youngest is that bad with his father I think I wouldn't facilitate any contact without a court order. Would he be bothered to start court proceedings, or is he the type to not care enough?

LemonTT · 03/10/2024 20:24

There’s no easy or painless way to divorce. Your ex may be angry, upset and hurt and to some extent you need to allow for it. But you don’t need to be guilted or dissuaded by it. You and anyone else can decide to leave a relationship. They can’t exist if only one person wants to be in it.

what you need to work out is what is important to you and what is a priority. There may be things you can’t change and there may be things you can change. You might not want some changes but you have to know when to compromise.

The fact that you have children with special needs means the courts and the law will get behind the fact that you want what’s best for them.

Sobaditsfunny · 03/10/2024 22:11

It is very likely your children will not be deeply unhappy. If they have one loving, safe parent they will be fine. I was in a position last year with several children, absolutely terrified of the effect separating would have on them. The eldest is autistic. They were shocked, upset but they processed it all and now they are in a peaceful household with no tension they are thriving. Its taken some time but now they're achieving better than they ever have, they are settled, better behaved and I can meet their needs a hell of a lot better without their dad around. Coming to settlements has been hard, draining and depressing at times. He continues to be horrible but now it is from afar and I would never EVER go back. Your children will be okay, they have you to love them x

Original poster

ChipsAndEggz · 03/10/2024 23:05

@Sobaditsfunny I'm in awe of women who find them strength to do it when they know H will be vindictive or unpredictable. Do your DC still see their dad regularly?

@LemonTT I don't know if there is anything specific to change as such. He simply does not like me. Tonight I went to a mums group and he doesnt look up from his phone as I walk in. He then says "you're going to tell me anything you did or not" angrily. I said "it was such a nice" and before I could get the word "time" out he was playing a video on his phone. Every interaction is like that. Then he walks out the room. I speak- he rolls his eyes. Kids don't eat their dinner "why do I fucking bother buying food". He hates this life with me but won't consider for a second leaving. When asked he says hes a family man etc. Hes not going to change. He doesny for a second think there is anything to change.

OP posts:

Sobaditsfunny · 04/10/2024 21:21

@ChipsAndEggz it seems you are realistic and have already accepted it is not going to be pleasant and he will be an arse about it. Having that realism will help. After a long year of different tactics such as 'you've made me too mentally unwell to see my children' 'I want my children right now, on my terms' to a regular every other weekend routine and the latest 'I've booked a one way ticket' we've all accepted the children live with me full time. The courts have agreed I make the children available alternate weekends and when/if he returns I will do that. Although it has been awful, it is still 100 times better than being in a relationship where you feel trapped and worthless. I can breathe now and the children have massively grown.

I suggest if you've made your decision you start planning and getting your ducks in a row.

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