End of 15 years, I'm so lost

[Ann1991]

I have been with my husband for 15 years, married for 12 and we have a 6 month old son.

Our relationship has had many ups and downs over the years but we have hit a point where my husband has had enough. We love each other still but he says there's something lacking in our relationship which I do agree. We aren't intimate, don't cuddle, watch tv, go out like normal couples. Our only conversations are about our son.

I wanted children from the start but always knew that he may never come around to the idea. I accepted that as I loved him. 2 years ago he says he wants a baby and I was overjoyed. Our son is the greatest blessing in our lives.

We have spoke after weeks of silence and he has said that he wants out. I dont but I can't force him to stay in a marriage if he's unhappy. He wants to be involved in our sons life and can't imagine not being there everyday.

We have a 3 bed house with a mortgage, rent for a 1 bed flat is more expensive than our mortgage in our area. How are we supposed to separate if neither can afford to move out.

Is it even possible to live together, raise our son without being a couple? There's no hatred or animosity between us. We've actually said this would be easier if 1 of us was an AH but we're not. Don't really know what I'm looking for from posting this, just needed to write it down.

Sounds like the reality of parenthood has hit him. You are six months into it and he has only just recognised that life does change after having kids. You don't go out as much, you have different priorities. You aren't getting as much sleep, and no, there is not so much time for each other. He is mourning the young hedonistic couple lifestyle. That is gone, whatever happens now as you do have a child. The decision then is whether you work together to find your new dynamic as a family or separate and both of you don't see your son every day. A halfway option of sharing a house but not being a couple will destroy both of you and your son will grow up with a distorted view on what a marriage looks like

If you both still love each other, would he be open to couples therapy? Lots of couples lose their way in the early months and years of parenthood. It is not too late to turn it round, if he would be willing to do it. It seems extreme to me to go straight for divorce when the things you describe are normal new parent challenges.

I wouldn't even say it's because of parenthood, we have gone through the same cycle for years. We stop talking because of all the things I mentioned, then we have a chat. Things get better for a while then we're back to square 1 again. I honestly don't know if I want to fight for us either. It's exhausting running circles for years. The main priority has to be our sons happiness and wellbeing.

Only you can decide that. Couples therapy might help you reach that decision that you both really have done everything you can. It sounds as if you have both got stuck into a pattern. None of us get taught how to have a long term relationship, so for many of us, it can be really hard and not a lovely fairytale. We bring unconscious behaviours from our own upbringing, from our own family dynamics and they don't gel with our partner's equivalent. A skilled couples therapist can help unpick some of that and teach new approaches. Or help you to separate and co-parent healthily.

I’m sorry this is happening to you. What would change if you were not a couple though? It doesn’t sound as if you really function as a couple currently. So if it means you would be free to have relationships with others, would that be doable? It probably wouldn’t be for most people if living together. My parents lived like this for some years and I wouldn’t really recommend it as the house was always miserable. You probably should get some legal advice and counselling good whether for yourself or both together.

Hello , i just needed to write something down too. I have been in a relationship for 30 years and my son is 20, i love my partner beyond all measure and he has always said he loves us .. for a few years over lock sown we struggled and my son was like 14 , i put all my love and effort into my son as this is what mothers do and he has always been our greatest achievement.. i am overwhelmed that now my partner has said he has someone else .. lost so lost now. We have spent a year trying to resolve our love and now the pain is so so deep because he sees a way to be away from us …. To answer the post .. great things could come from an early separation… take all the joy and love and interest that he will have in tou and your son and spend the amazing happy time being a mother and enjoy you son totally… many many mums are doing parenting alone with huge support and respect from friends and family and the world.. my life was hidden behind the fact we continued as a family and the pain to accept that it wasn’t all hearts and flowers is so so difficult now .. take solice in honesty and the practicalities of where you live and how that works including staying in your home for a while will all work out. I would also say .. if no one else in involved.. be honest and kind to each other and let the days go by as no family is normal and your placement of the relationship could prove to be strong and enduring dispite not fitting a mould .. best of love for you and your son. Some good will
come of it..

Thank you so much. I'm so sorry this is happening to you too.

There is thankfully no infidelity so I'm hoping we can stay happy, calm and respectful towards each other. He will always be the love of my life and will always be thankful that he gave me my son.

Everyone around us fully believe we are a perfect couple so admitting that we've had problems for years is going to shock people.

We are going to get my wonderful MIL to have little man for an afternoon so we can talk properly without distraction.

We may need to both stay in the house for a while, I'm still on maternity leave with only 2 payments left before 3 months of no pay. I have no idea how to sell a house. I just feel kind of numb today.

I think in reality we need to stay living together for a little while. I'm still on maternity leave, so no way I can afford to pay all the bills myself and he wouldn't be able to pay for a flat of his own and contribute to this house.

We are going to set aside an afternoon with our son being home so we can discuss these kinds of things.

I know I wouldn't cope having a girlfriend of his in my home so longterm I know living together isn't going to work. There is no infidelity so it's just knowing what boundaries we need to keep things civil whilst we figure everything out.