Refusal to communicate

[Summerbreeze456]

My husband walked out about three months ago because he saw no way of fixing our marriage. Something he told me out of the blue since I wasn't aware of any issue. I just thought he was tired from his commute and job. We've got two DC (7 years and 2 months old). He's never been great at talking about anything.
I've now patiently waited for three months for him to sort himself out and come to a decision as to what he wants to do. We live abroad and I need to know whether he's moving back to the UK or staying here. I've stayed in the family home and I'm going to be on maternity leave for a year. He's moved in with a friend and his family.
I've tried to talk about child maintenance payments. (They are set according to his income but I haven't formally gone through my solicitor/social services, yet.) He's refusing to pay because I'm apparently just after his money and he can't possibly afford what I'm asking for. I'm not but I'm on maternity pay for a year now. I usually earn more than him. In theory, it doesn't matter that he's refusing to pay. Social services will pay it as an advance and then claim the money back from him.
However, he won't tell me his address. He won't tell me whether he's moving or not. He wants the children at set times but doesn't actually tell me when. (At the moment, he just texts me when he wants to come over...not too much of an issue since I'm home anyway but I'm keeping myself and the kids busy so we aren't stuck at home. We are hanging out with friends a lot and DS is at school.) He won't talk to me about finances. I'm pretty sure he's blocked my number and is trying to only text me one or two words via WhatsApp.
Am I unreasonable to want some clarity so that I can sort our life out? He tells me I'm just controlling and annoyed with him because he won't let me control him anymore. (I don't give a shit what he's doing but I've got two little people and a house with a mortgage to sort out.)

I'm not sure how to get him to talk to me. I could go through all the official channels and circumvent him but that'll end him in a lot of trouble.

Honestly he's left you with a 2 month old baby. I wouldn't be worried about getting him trouble! Sorry this is happening for you.

It sounds like he is the controlling one! Take back control. Go through the official channels, Give him set times when it is convenient for you that he sees the children (ignore his requests if they come outside these times) He left it is not your job to bend over backwards to accommodate his whims. On a side note are you sure he is living where he says? Just seems so out of the blue the way he left and I’m wondering if he is being honest about why. Could there be another woman involved?

@Tiredmamma357 Thanks. He actually left 6 days before the birth. We are mostly OK with that now and she's luckily a little dream, which makes things a lot easier.

If I use the nuclear option, he'll have his work permit revoked and will possibly go to prison for non-payment of child maintenance. (They don't fuck around with that here...) I'm not sure that'll be all that helpful, though.

I think I'm just annoyed because I feel stuck in limbo. He won't talk to me. His sister set up a new family WhatsApp group that excluded me before I even gave birth. His parents won't talk to me, either. We've been together for over 20 years and I now get told none of them like me and it's all my fault. I have no clue what I've done.

Do you want to come back to the UK or do you want to stay in the country you are in? I feel your waiting for him to make some fairly large life decisions. What do you want?

What sort of man walks out on his heavily pregnant partner and young child? He's a real POS. Let the law come down on him and stop making excuses for him. You are a strong strong woman whose doing amazingly don't let him dim your light and take what is your children's right.

Stop trying to reason with an arsehole. Go the official route.

This. He is obviously lying about you to everyone he can.

I would take the kids to his workplace and speak to HR. Get them to set him straight. Let them know the date he fucked off and that you expect back pay from that date and an address for your solicitor to correspond to or it will be coming via HR and won’t that be fun to explain to head office?

@FatfunandADHD I couldn't go back to the UK, even if I wanted to. I'm not a UK citizen but I'm a citizen of the country we are in. (I had lived in the UK for about 15 years before we moved here and we had DS in England. Both kids have dual nationality.) It would help to know whether he's going back because then I can tailor the legal support accordingly.
I would also mean I could move the kids to a different place in a few years.

I've got another appointment with my solicitor lined up to get the child maintenance sorted. She had advised to wait with that until he was back at work. (He's officially on parental leave at the moment but doesn't get paid for it because I couldn't apply for his payments and he didn't do it himself.)

What country are you in? It may help to know?

I have no idea why you are giving him any consideration here. Who gives a shit what he thinks or feels.

You make your own choices. Whether to stay or return home; whether to seek child support, whether to start a divorce. Any consequences he faces are squarely on him. If he is money obsessed I would try to find the time to check he hasn’t already moved savings or investments out during his planning phase.

There will undoubtedly me a woman somewhere on the side, and I would expect her to surface in the next one or two months, but that actually is of no consequence.

His family blocking you on What’sApp, also of no consequence, they can get in the bin too.

Overall, in terms of his behaviour you need to drop the rope.
If he comes to the house, give him his post, including papers there.

@MoveToParis We'll stay put here for the time being. It makes more sense from a financial and legal perspective. I've also got family and friends around here for support.

I've checked with my solicitor and we need to be separated for a year before we can file for divorce. I've put the separation date in place with my solicitor and informed our bank and the council about the change in status (so that the court can refer back to it after a year).

There might be another woman. However, I don't really care. It's of no consequence and doesn't change anything for me. I've only asked him for child maintenance for the moment. I hadn't asked for money for the mortgage or any spousal support. Not that he could afford it anyway.

I know that he's already moved half of our savings into a new account. I've done the same now and I'm in the process of getting everything else rerouted into my new account, too (maternity pay, child benefit, I also get fee supplements from my employer to help to pay for DS's school, etc.). We need to sort the house, though. He could ask for it to be sold or me giving him the money for his half...which would be tricky.

We are in Germany at the moment. I'm quite good with the legalities by now. Unlike him, I also speak the language.

He's set up a postbox and his post doesn't get delivered to our address anymore. In theory, he needs to inform the council that he's moved, though. He should have done that weeks ago. It's a legal requirement.

I guess my issue is still not being quite sure what has actually happened. He used to be so loving and caring and I actually thought I was really lucky to have him. Then suddenly he just turns my whole world upside down and now looks at me and talks to me with utter contempt. 😟
He seems to hate me. I don't hate him. I'm just trying to do what's best to secure my children's wellbeing and future.

I’m going to spell it out. I’m sorry, but you need to read “The Script”. He’s very much behaving like a man who has had his head turned. He doesn’t want to be the bad guy so he’s coming up with reasons to blame you. It’s all absolute nonsense of course. Don’t even bother trying to defend yourself. He will gaslight you until even you believe you’re crazy. Best to carry on calmly and hold your head high. Let the council know he’s abandoned you and you have no idea where he is.

There is a difference between being assertive and being controlling. By claiming child support you are being assertive. Just push forward with that. If you need an address for that ask him to provide that, the postbox will do. Then let your lawyers ask him the questions they need to ask.

He has left you and he doesn’t want to discuss it. That should be enough for you to know you are single. It’s up to you to decide if you want to wait for him to come back but he isn’t going to help you with that decision.

You can ask him to provide an address for communication. If he wants to visit the children you need notice, there are Apps to allow for this which record interactions.

In your shoes I would take whatever action needed to claim occupancy rights on the home to restrict his access. Then offer reasonable access to the children based around a routine. Unfortunately he needs to see the baby in situ. But he can have overnights with the 7 year old. If he doesn’t respond to the offer, repeat it and then repeat it again. Unless he offers an alternative put it place.

My advice, don’t go down the rabbit hole of other woman, WhatsApp groups, his family dynamics or all the other toxic bollocks. Secure your home and your income and tell him it is over. Then make a new life for yourself.

@LemonTT Thanks. I've already looked into a few things. I have occupancy rights of the house. He left and I do not have to allow him back into the property, regardless of the mortgage and ownership situation.

I would give the postbox number to my solicitor and to the council. He's already told me that his address is "none of my business". I have said that unless he has an actual place to stay and an adress, I won't be allowing the children to stay with him. (I certainly won't allow my 7-year-old to go to some random friend's house because his father has decided to crash on his sofa at the age of 44. I'm also pretty sure these friends, who I have never met, are fuelling his sudden "realisation" that I'm just a money-grabbing, controlling bitch, who is trying to screw him over.)

The common arrangement here is EOW and one weekday evening for our 7-year-old and approximately 5 hours supervised visitation for the baby every week. I'm generally happy to facilitate him seeing our older one but he's surprisingly shit at it. He's always been the "fun" parent but now ends up just lying on the sofa while DS is watching TV when he's over. DS is stubborn and needs to be persuaded to do things. That takes effort. He suggested taking him away for the weekend and I've given him dates. Not heard anything back about that. (I've taken the kids away for a quick holiday at the moment...and we do fun stuff but it can be tricky on my own with two kids of such different ages.)

Secure your home and your income and tell him it is over. Then make a new life for yourself.
That's what I'm trying to do at the moment. He makes it out like I'm being unreasonable. He's completely fucked up but he's blaming me for it because it's easier than admitting that he's been a selfish arsehole. I assume it's some sort of midlife crisis. He wants to go and find happiness somewhere else. Well, off you pop, then.
I was initially happy to keep trying, change things to make him feel happier at home but he's put no effort into saving our relationship and family. It just makes me sad.

I am over the border, and was frankly embarrassed for my now ex husband on the day of the divorce hearing regarding his language skills.