Money gift during marriage

[moneymess]

Can someone tell me if I'm being unrealistic here....I realise throughout this whole time I have been v v lucky to have had this kind of financial support, and probably v stupid to not prepare myself better for bad times so would be v grateful if people could be helpful rather than criticising 🤞

Both me and my H have been very lucky to have been given cash by relatives at some point in our marriage to help towards house purchases etc.
Firstly my parents gave us a substantial deposit for our first flat before we were married. I was nervous it being our joint flat without being married when I put in the majority of the money but we both paid the mortgage on it and we were young and in love...

Roll on 5 years from there we had got married and had a baby and then wanted to move to a house with a garden. My worries about the imbalance in money had gone away a while before as we were a family now. At the point of looking for houses we again were v lucky indeed in that H's family gifted us a large amount that meant that we were able to buy our house without a mortgage. This was particularly lucky as my H at this time lost his job. We also had some savings left over from the combo of this money and the sale of the flat which had increase in value since we bought it, and that was in our joint account.
Roll on a few more years and we had 3 more kids and house needed work etc, and once again we were v lucky in that one of his family members came into a lot of money and v generously gave some to us and their other family members. My H put this into savings that I haven't got access to. Over this time we used a small amount of that additional money and the money that was left in our joint account to do the work needed to the house and we lived off some of it while my H hasn't been earning much, as we largely lived off my income which wasn't much as I was working part time due to DC. H has dipped into the savings he put aside on occasion for paying a contribution towards holiday etc, but basically we have been living beyond our means for a while now if it weren't for generous gifts. This has caused a lot of friction in our relationship alongside other things (I've been v frustrated with his lack of action in getting proper work and I've worked all the hours I can while still doing majority of childcare. Various things alongside this have lead to our marriage deteriorating, but I'm now feeling like an idiot as I should have know that things weren't good when he squirrelled the large sum of money away solely in his name but I had just had our 4th child and was in a state tbh.

So if you've got this far, all that said we are now at the point where I think we need to split and it breaks my heart for the kids, but I think I have to do to for my own mental health as he's bringing me down.

Thing is - the amount of money he has squirrelled away is more than our house is worth. I feel strongly he's only been able to leave this mostly untouched as I've been working and putting all my money into the family - I have no personal savings...
he's recently started to finally earn more money again - not lots, but more than me on my part time basis - but was talking about topping back up what he dipped into the savings pot...rather than I don't know letting me save something for a while?

We had a row last night about everything (not just money) and he seems to think that if I leave him he can walk away with this pot of cash as it's 'his', so he thinks it wouldn't be part of matrimonal assets...? Is this right? I feel so cross but am I being unrealistic? Is it his? Am I a money grabbing cow for wanting it to be part of a 50/50 split?? I really just want to make sure we can get a house (I won't be able to get a great mortgage on what I earn) and pay bills...

I believe you are entitled to 50% unless it is in writing that this money is somehow protected

The good thing is you can use that to negotiate you having the house then he can go buy something suitable for himself and the kids

im sure you will get a ton of universal credits/ and child maintenance so you’ll manage ok

@Quitelikeit thanks for replying.

As I said, I know I've been a spoiled idiot tbh,and part do the money arguments between h and me have been because of this and his lack of action about it or lack of open-ness to me getting a full time job if he did childcare.

He seems to think that a gift from family is like an inheritance and it would be wrong for me to want that taken into account... thing is I can't buy a 3 bed place for half what the house is worth in the area we are in (and all kids are at school) and I feel like he's financially blackmailing me to stay.

So if you are married in general what you own belongs to both of you.

There are some exceptions to this, notably in Scotland.

If you are prepared to post which nation of the U.K. you are in it will help.

It’s a marital asset in the UK.

You’re not automatically entitled to 50%
but you ARE entitled to a fair share of all
marital assets of which it does not matter whose name it is in. Therefore the savings are in the pot for division along with house, pensions and anything else

with 4 children and substantial assets a likely outcome is 50:50 split of everything but a solicitor will guide you

Id apologise for the row. I'd tell him that you got upset and frustrated and shouldn't have suggested separating. That you love him and want to work on things but you can't continue to carry the financial burden of the family and that he needs to provide more money to the pot. You need to play clever and bide you time. Get all your ducks in a row. See a solicitor and find out where you stand. What if any documents or evidence you need. Do things with a cool and calm mind.

@MamOfGirls2 I think you are probably right. It just feels wrong that if we split I'd be the main parent he'd be weekend parent but he'd have so much more financially - he'd def be able to get a mortgage now he is earning for example, i am not sure I would. So if he got to keep this pot of money (which he only had the choice to not use cause I've worked and not saved a penny) he'd be very comfortable thank you. It's hard cause the eldest 2 are boys and eat so much these days, but are still too young to get a job, and the younger two are still so little so need childcare if I was to work more hours, as I can't really expect the older 2 to routinely look after the younger 2... Ug. I just feel trapped. I know I'm lucky relatively, but I'm miserable.

I'm not suggesting you stay with him. I'm just suggesting that it's better to make decisions with all the facts and to do things more calculatedly. In the meantime it's better that you lull him into a false sense of security while you get all the information you need. You are keeping the peace while bideing your time. When your ready to pull the trigger at least you'll be prepared.

Go on to turn 2 us and use their calculator to see what help you would get

with 4 kids he’d be handing over to you a juicy amount each month too!

check out how much on the govt website

@Quitelikeit I find it hard to work out if I'd get any benefits as don't know what I'd be getting in a split - I suspect not a lot of anything tbh. My main worry is housing us without having to uproot the kids from school, as with 4 kids ideally we'd have a 4 bed (youngest 2 can share, biggest 2 would not be pleased to do so, but if we had to I guess they could) but even 3 beds cost more then half the cost of our house now.... knowing my mortgage possibilities are small (part time working for the next few years anyway or pay childcare to work longer but get only a little extra cause my career took a massive backseat since having kids) I'm scared that without those savings being included into the shared pot I have no way to make it work financially while the younger 2 are small as I expect any CM would basically go on feeding and clothing the kids?

Actually just looked at the CM calculator - would his earnings from savings be used for calculating payments or just earning from salary? If the former then at least if he gets that pot then the kids get some of it spent on them.

Unless the savings were legally ringfenced at the time of giving, they are included in marital assets to be split between you. He can't just keep them

You need to see a solicitor for advice asap so you know where you stand. They will need details of current house value, any mortgage, current accounts, all savings, any other assets like shares plus details of pensions. Get all this info before you do anything else

Depending on the DCs ages, most likely he will have to continue to contribute to kids upkeep whilst you stay in the house as the main parent looking after them, and he will be allocated a split of the assets to move out.

The best thing here is that you are married, so you are entitled to 50/50, at least as a starting point. But you probably need a solicitor if he's not going to amicably agree a financial settlement with you. Do you have access to paperwork showing the balance of the account? You need that incase he decides to move it out of his name.

Get as much evidence as you can of any of his assets, including pensions etc. You could be in a good position to retain your mortgage free house with some negotiation

Interest from savings over a certain amount should be taxed. Wether he is declaring it as income is a seperate question.

Be very wary that he may try to hide the money. Give it back to his relatives to claim he doesn't have it. You may need to chase it down. To that end I would get the separation started asap before he has time to spend it all.

If you have any evidence of the money in his account, bank statements or have online banking access I would keep very careful record of this in case the money mysteriously disappears and any email/text correspondence proving the money was gifted rather then lent etc so he has to explain where it's gone to the judge and look like lying idiot.

May not be an issue but you never know.

If he is the higher earner and you are taking on the bulk of childcare then it's reasonable to hope for more then 50/50 split if assets. Doubly so if you took time out of work to look after babies and sacrificed any career progression. Doesn't matter if this was jointly agreed between you.

His savings should be part of any divorce settlement. if you cannot agree a split I think you go to some sort of arbitration and if that doesnt work a judge decides.

The savings are a marital
asset and are in the pot for splitting ! I do y know why you think they’re not

hiw much is it and what equity is there? What’s 50% if they - as that’s your minimum

Given how he's been I think you might be right that he might try to hide it @Cerialkiller.
@millymollymoomoo it's a lot. Our house is worth about 450k, (was 320k when we purchased it).The savings pot he has is around 500k 😵‍💫 when he put it away there was talk about being for the kids future etc, but he's done nothing with it - I had a difficult post birth period with my youngest which is when it was gifted to us, so my head wasn't with it and I stupidly trusted him that we'd talk about it properly and sit down together to work out what to do with it to best make that happen, and initially it was saved with financial adviser who managed it, so thought it was all sensible at least - and carried on how we were., but like I say we have been living beyond our means when living off my salary and his bits a pieces of work. But then a couple of years ago H moved the money (without discussing me) from being managed to managing it himself, as he 'didn't think it was performing well'... and while I know he still has it (he has declared the income for tax) I don't know where it all is now 🙈

You need to instruct a solicitor immediately
tell them specifically about it
set out v clear expectations that if it’s ‘disappeared’ you will be expecting 100% of the house

there is £1m if assets - enough for you both to house yourselves, and not rely in benefits etc.

it’s a joint asset and he doesn’t get to keep it

That's good he declared it for tax, there is a definite record

Collate all the info you can - photocopy paperwork, note logins, screenshots of anything online etc.

Then see a solicitor. On £1m+ pot you need legal advice

Earnings from savings does count as non-earned income.

Just be very wary - it's amazing how many people suddenly spend all the money (or move it around) when they realise this.

In a long marriage all finances are looked at in the divorce so I'd be pushing for including it rather than relying on CMS.

A competent solicitor would be your best investment now OP.

Good luck.

Thank you all for being so helpful and kind. I was worried I'd be laughed out of town as I realise I've led a privileged life so far, but I have genuinely worked my arse off in the hours I can do without having kids in paid childcare. I feel like it's only now the kids are all at school that I am getting my brain back though and the mess I'm in has become massively apparent. I knew I wasn't happy before, but didn't have the headspace to deal with it... I just want the kids to be ok and feel so guilty that I'm about to explode the family, but I just can't take the lack of communication and the frustration with everything anymore.