Made an offer on house, so difficult to do this solo

[UhOhSpagettiOh]

I just made an offer on a house as moving out of marital home with my daughter's. Ex was very negative about the house but I don't think he has a realistic idea of what I can afford. I am the one who has been viewing houses and checking online every day for the last 6 months! I have a good understanding of what I can afford. But because the things he has complained about the new house are all true, it's tainted it for me. I was excited about the house, now I'm not.

I still want the sale to go through, I'm just not as happy about it anymore, as he's really focused on the negatives.

But I have to put up with down sides as my budget is so small. And I have to put up with having to coparent!...I didn't want this. He did.

Ugh! I guess I'm hoping for some perspective on this.
It's horrible making these big decisions without someone else actually in it with me.

Don't let his negativity drag you down.

There's probably nothing wrong with the house that you can't put right, eventually.

It'll be lovely to have your own home without a big black cloud there putting you down all the time.

I wouldn't even have shown him the house. You listen to yourself not him.

What's it to do with your ex?
Literally none of his business.

Well we are going to co parent so I am invested in us being amicable. And I would have liked some support from him. But obvs I will learn from this...he's too negative about things to properly support me.

Whatever you do, do not listen to your ex, it has bugger all t do with him, I wouldn't put it past him being jealous and trying to ruin it for you. And yes, why even show him/discuss with him?
You will be happy in your own home. I know how you feel, I bought a home alone after I divorced and I loved that wee house. Don't let him taint it. And don't let him over the threshold. Best wishes.

I recently moved and it would have been so much easier with two incomes, and two people to share the mental load of solicitors etc. I'm also in a tiny house due to my budget - I was in a cheaper area before and downsizing is tough. However, it is what it is and I am trying to declutter and make the place nice. It is mine though, and I don't need to consult anyone (apart from my daughter) or compromise on anything. That side is bliss!

Why are you showing him the house?

And more importantly have you had proper legal advice about the divorce and what exactly you'd be entitled to?

My moving after divorce was for several reasons so stressful that I genuinely think I have a form of PTSD after it. So, I hear you.

BUT. Further down the line, the house is mine and DCs, the things that went wrong have been mostly righted, and while there is a pressure of having the weight of every decision on YOU, it is also ultimately a freedom.

Plus, I've just done a coparenting with a narcissist webinar and the verdict was that you should withdraw withdraw withdraw and aim to "parallel parent" instead. I'm nowhere near achieving that yet, but I'm certainly trying to disentangle from being up in ex's business and him in mine quite as much as we were at first.

And more importantly have you had proper legal advice about the divorce and what exactly you'd be entitled to?

Yes

@Latenightreader did you really not consult with anyone at all?

I couldn't imagine doing that. I've talked to two friends, my ex and my parents about it. It was my ex and one friend that have their concerns about the area rather than the house itself. I don't think the area is that bad. It's an ex council house but not in the middle of a rough place. It seems OK to me.

My ex and I are on OK terms...this thread is making me rethink how involved I should be with him.

I do feel like some of the replies are expecting me to maintain this hostile attitude towards him...but I don't want to do that. He has said that he will help me decorate and do a bit of DIY. I'm not into that. I still feel like we will be a team once I move...I will be doing majority of childcare as I'm better at it. I will never be interested in getting better at DIY and so I still want his help with that and he is willing. But by the sounds of these replies I should be cutting him off completely.
I'm just thinking out loud.

@LividSquid so sorry to hear that it's had a lasting effect on you. It sounds like you are working hard on the best way to parent with him.

@hildabaker it does have a bit to do with him as it's going to house his children.

Thank you for your well wishes.

One of the absolute best things about being divorced imo is not having to listen to anyone else's opinion on your house.
It's yours. You'll get to make it how you want it. You chose it.
I think you are still stuck in needing his approval, no doubt a hangover from the marriage.

I'd stop talking to him about it and start doing positive things like thinking of colour schemes and what you want your home to be.

I gave my kids an amount of money each to spend in IKEA on stuff for their rooms to make them homely which helped too

I downsized and moved into a house that needed work - the last thing I wanted to do but I certainly didn’t take my ex-husbands opinion into account.
You are splitting up and you need to stop looking to him for approval. It sounds like you’ve really done as well as you can whilst being realistic so put your energy into sorting your stuff before the move and planning what you’ll do when you have your own place.

@kiwiane I wish I had the energy to buy a doer upper but the thought of doing up a house fills me with dread....so I've taken the hit in area rather than work needed. Also I couldn't imagine breaking it to my daughter's about the divorce (not done it yet) and then showing them the house we are moving to and it looking awful.

This house will need minimal work. It's smaller and a little further out from their school but they are primary aged so I don't think it will make a difference to them anyway as I'll be driving them around anyway.

I've looked up the crime rates on police website and it's the same as where we live now.

@CassieMaddox yeah I want his approval and I definitely want his support. I've never bought a house on my own before. I have lived in my own though. I am looking forward to my new life I just detest what it takes to get there.

I haven't told my daughters yet as wanted to wait until I know what house we are going to.

I am not looking forward to moving all out stuff. I am not looking forward to the little bits of decorating. I am not looking forward to the adjustment in routines.

I am so looking forward to living with my daughter's on my own.

You've totally got this.

Write a list of what's important to you in a house forgetting about this house. Then benchmark this house against your list.

If it's not right another house will come along.

Focus on making it your new home for you and your children. Picture how that looks.

Your ex isn’t going to still be doing your DIY when he meets someone else’s y’know. It sounds like in your head you’re imaging a model where you essentially still a couple, but living apart. He’s ended the relationship for a reason, and I think you may have a big heartbreak coming if you’re not considering any of the other possibilities that might be on the horizon.

@UhOhSpagettiOh I did discuss the purchase with my mum (and friends I think). I may have phrased it clumsily but I meant that no one else can object or argue against my decisions, which would not be the case if I was living with someone who would have an equal say.

@WhoOfWhoville I don't mean ongoing DIY I mean just as I get set up. General maintenance I will outsource.

Yes I know he will get in another relationship. He might remarry and have a new family.

He's negative about your new house because he doesn't want you to enjoy living there without him, he's trying to manipulate you and have you doubting your decision. Don't listen to him. Keep things amicable of course, but learn the art of grey rock so you're not giving so much of yourself to him. Beware of believing his words.

I'm sending you strength @UhOhSpagettiOh , it's a difficult time