Husband abandoned us

[Bboo3]

Husband basically woke up one day and said he can't cope at home, needs a break. During the break I found he was cheating on me. That's all on a previous post.
I have started divorce proceedings, I have taken control. The children dont want to see him, j am persuading them to and it's hard work but working.
My worry is I know he's a heavy drinker and takes drugs occasionally.
I wish he would run away with his new girlfriend and leave us alone!
He wants my 6 year old to have a phone so she can ring him whenever she wants! I've said no, she can use my phone if she wants to ring you but actually none of them have asked to see him at all! He was an absent father even when we were together.
He's trying to blame it on me, saying I didn't give him the weeks break he needed and that I got too angry when I found out he was texting someone else. Also said that she trust can never be rebuilt so there's no way he's trying again.
He won't stop texting and I know I can't block him because I have to discuss visitations.
But seriously it pisses me off that men can walk away from all responsibilities, then blame the wife who had no clue and still demands he sees his children more. You walked away!!! You're not going to see them daily anymore.
We've agreed to every Fri eve, every other Saturday and then a video call on a Tuesday eve. If the children wanted to see him I would pass that message on to him.
But my 6 year said she's used to him not being here and its only been 3 weeks.
If they walk out, why can't they carry on walking!

Don't persuade the DC to see him. "Heavy drinker" = alcoholic. An alcoholic drug user is not a suitable person for them to be around, it does not benefit their life in any way and carries a huge risk of harm to them.
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The DC not wanting to see him is because they have healthy boundaries whereas you've been living with an alcoholic voluntarily so you obviously don't, your DC know best here! If he fades out of their lives that's the best thing for them, not to be exposed to the abusive behaviour of an alcoholic or to be exposed to someone who is potentially under the influence of alcohol or drugs (or suffering withdrawal) during their contact time. Let your DC walk away from this toxic arsehole, don't put them at risk of abusive relationships themselves in adulthood because you've taught them that toxicity is to be tolerated.
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You totally can block him and you should. You don't need to tolerate his abusive behaviour. He is harassing you. If he wants access he can go to court to get it. Unless it's court ordered you don't have to do it. Hopefully he won't bother and will just fuck off.
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If he gets court ordered access then reply to his messages once per day (or less often if he's texting less often) with "the DC are fine and doing well in school, your next contact is X date at Y time" and that's it, no discussion, no acknowledging anything else he texts, just that message every time because it contains all the information he needs and has a right to. He has no right to a conversation with you, about DC or anything else.
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Transfer your current phone number to a cheap PAYG SIM card, then get a second phone but don't give him the number. That way you can switch "his" phone off and not be bothered by the texts, switching it on only once a day to check if he's texted and you need to send the reply.

He's trying to blame it on me, saying I didn't give him the weeks break he needed and that I got too angry when I found out he was texting someone else. Also said that she trust can never be rebuilt so there's no way he's trying again.
This is gaslighting. It's emotional abuse. DARVO. Google it.
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He doesn't get to decide how angry you are allowed to be when you discover him cheating! He can't dictate your emotions like that. Yes the trust is destroyed, he destroyed it when he cheated on you! You didn't owe him a week's break. If your husband asks for a relationship break and your response is no thanks I'll get divorced that's totally fine because your response is upto you, he doesn't get to decide it.
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Can you see how he's trying to control you? Telling you how you're "allowed" to behave and think? It's coercive control and is a form of emotional abuse, it's illegal and you don't have to put up with it. Ignore anything he says because it's all bullshit, don't doubt yourself, you've done nothing wrong.

Is this for real.... Leaving you doesn't equal leaving his daughter! They are separate, you may be upset but it is her right to have equal access to you both. Also, why doesn't she want to see him? Does she make ths rest of the decisions for her life at 6 y/old? This is fresh and upsetting for you, and understandably hard, but it will get better for you in time. Remain impartial for your daughters sake and be thankful he wants to be in her life at all - because growing up without a father as a little girl is particularly damaging. More time needed if he recognises his issues/sorts himself out. If he wants her he will do it.

I an remaining impartial. I haven't said anything negative about him to children. My 2 girls (6 and 4,) went with him for tea last night. My little boy, 2 year old, wouldn't go he cried for me when dad picked him up so dad decided to leave him here.
I just don't see why he gets to walk away from all responsibilities and then demand to see them. Just leave us alone.

In situations like this, both parents need to find outlets to process their anger, upset, guilt etc in ways that don't involve the children.

All of us benefit from having 2 loving parents. Sadly, this isn't always possible due to death or lack of capacity to parent properly. In the latter case, the ideal situation is for the parent(s) who are incapable to parent well, or even satisfactorily, to get better at it.

It would be best for your children if you could work out how to support him being in their lives- not for his sake, but for them.

-If he is genuinely a danger, the risks need to be addressed before he sees them alone.

• If they aren't used to being alone with him, without you around, start off slow- with short contact (he could do school drop off or pick up, or taking to a club/regular evening activity). Once they experience him as being someone who does things with/for them, visits and time together will feel more natural.
• If they find being with him awkward, suggest activities they can do together that will interest the children, so their focus is on the activities rather than him. This will help grow their relationship.

It's really hard to step away from thinking about his relationship with the children in term of whether he 'deserves them'. Try and think about what they deserve in terms of a relationship with the only father they have. They may deserve a much better father than him, but that's not what they've got.

If you think he is unsafe for them to be around, then you need to take action to limit his rights. If you thought he was safe to be alone with them a month ago, before he walked out, think what is different now.

Him choosing not to live together anymore and opting out of taking responsibility for his children's everyday needs is total fuckwittery and totally shit on many levels. I would be incandescent with rage and resentment. I expect I would want you to deny him every benefit from having the children in his life due to him walking away from every demand that comes with having them. BUT, in wanting my children to have the best life possible, I know that I could let this play out by ruining their chances of having their dad in their lives.

You can have boundaries and don't need to run around in rings to facilitate a relationship ship between them. Try and think about what's going to be easiest for you.

I am trying very hard to persuade them to see daddy and keep telling them he loves them. But they keep coming back to - yes but he doesnt want to live with us.
I've said, daddy doesn't live here but he loves you, etc etc. But they keep saying but he chose to go.
My daughter asked me to find a daddy that wants to be at home with us! I said you have a daddy.
Anything I say to them they turn on its head. They are so hurt and betrayed.

Again I wish he'd fuck off because they are perfectly happy and calm and secure until they have to speak or go see him. Then they come back quiet and negative and just "off". They just don't trust him and no matter what I say, he left and they see that and it hurts them!