ex wants to stay in the house

[confusedparent1982]

me and my OH have decided to split. we have been together for several years and have a son in year 10 at school. my OH wants to stay in the marital home with our son and have me rent a property for the next 4/5 years whilst our son is still at school/ college. As the higher earner I am expected to pay the larger proportion of the mortgage/ loans etc whilst also paying for rent and bills on another property. OH has also stated that as I may have some money left over each month they want that as child maintenance and expects me to survive with little to no disposable income for the next 4 years. OH does work and would have more than enough money to live comfortably (quite a bit more than I would have) I would rather sell the house, take the equity and go our separate ways now but OH is refusing to do that and says I am being unreasonable and saying it will impact our son. Is it fair that I should have to struggle for 4 years in limbo before I can move on. I feel like I am being guilted into making a decision.

OP has been careful not to share their sex or that of their partner.

Maybe they want to see what happens on the other side of the "ex h moved out and is refusing to pay maintenance" ? Couldnt say

EDIT: crossposted with the OP - they are male

When you separate, assets will need to be divided appropriately. For example, if your wife was a SAHP and the primary carer for your son, it may be that she should get more of the assets as she gave up her earning opportunities in favour of supporting you/your son. this would be different if she had also worked throughout your marriage. However, I don't think, in most cases, that would impact significantly how much maintenance you pay. Nor does it change what I believe to be the moral imperative to pay a decent amount, notwithstanding CMS.

The reality is that if you are going from one home to two homes, no matter how the bills are split, things are goign to be tighter.

If you can't agree, you need to get mediation to agree.

Then the house will need to be sold (unless you can buy her out) and all the assets accumulated during the marriage will be divided on a 50/50 basis as a starting point.
It is no longer true that RP automatically gets to keep the house until child is 18, courts usually favour a 50/50 split with childcare also at 50/50

Good luck

See a solicitor. This proposed arrangement is madness.

Your ex isn't in a position to demand all that.
Are you married? That might affect the advice on strategy and who is likely entitled to what.

You sound a bit passive - are you content to accept being NRP?

I'm inclined to agree that if between you it's not affordable to keep the family home and buy a second then selling/splitting equity and buying two smaller/ cheaper properties is the way forward.

Sorry, just seen your update hence the edit. The Court favours a clean break these days so an arrangement where the RP stays in the house funded by NRP until kids are 18 are less common. RP may get a bigger share of assets (ie 60 rather than 50%) but if she can't buy you out then selling will be necessary and can be ordered by the Court.

After the division of assets CMS will depend on how child care responsibilities are split. 50/50 usually means book maintenance payable though parties can reach their own agreement of course.

Also OP, I have to ask - why have you split? Because while it's not really fair, I don't think it's unusual for women who have been wronged to feel their ex should bear the higher burden of divorce - eg if you have had an affair. And the way you right is, as a PP says, a bit passive - you don't seem to eve mind that your ex will have sole custody of your DS? And as he's at least 14, I assume you've been together for a lot longer than "several" years.

You will get different opinions now you have stated you are male!

It’s not up to your partner and no court would deem this as fair. Either she will have to buy you out if she wants to keep the house, or the house will be sold and equity split so you can both be housed.

Why they split is completely irrelevant to the question he asked, it's a legal position

Nowhere does he say he's happy for her to have sole custody just that is what she has decided is going to happen

My answer remains the same regardless of sexes

the ex of op is not reasonable

@confusedparent1982 ,

You are clearly at the very beginning of the process.

You need to talk this through with a solicitor who will explain all your options and what a ‘normal’ settlement would look like-nothing like your STBXW’s proposal!

You can come to a far fairer settlement and still put your child’s needs first.

You’re married and presumably own the house 50:50. You can sort out the financials (pensions etc.) during the divorce, but whilst not living there you do not have to contribute to the mortgage or bills. Of course the risk is you are jointly and severally liable, so if OH defaults on the mortgage it affects you too. If ex expects you to pay the mortgage still then you can charge them occupation rent for half the rental value of the property as you do not get to benefit from it. Depending on how much that is where you live that could actually make ex worse off, so they should just pay the mortgage themselves if they expect you to move out until they can either buy you out or the property is sold.
Even with a mesher order (not common these days as it’s accepted that BOTH parties are entitled to move on and expected to support themselves) then you aren’t expected to pay the mortgage during that period.
Your financial responsibilities right now are YOUR housing and YOUR child support. Their responsibilities are theirs. That’s how separation works.

You need to consult a solicitor.

Generally though, since you both earn reasonably well and your child is past the need for a Sahp, the house and all other assets would be split, starting point 50:50, and you would each find a new home which could be rented or bought, with the proceeds.

Then your child can decide where he wants to live. Or may be happy having a room at each.

Given your son’s age the court might be sympathetic to a mesher order if the sale of the family home would impact on their education. For example if you ex could not afford a home local to the current school. That might just be till they do their GCSEs but could extend to A levels. But not to university.

Your ex may then be entitled to spousal and child support.

Given your son’s age, what would be best for him rather than just you or her?

It's irrelevant to the answer, but I was making the point that if she feels wronged, that could explain why she is asking for more than most people would think is reasonable. Which frankly works for OP because he can go to mediation and demonstrate he is willing to he fair, even as she is ranting and raving.

Why did you split up? If you treated her badly or cheated on her then I don't blame her

Presumably you are a high earner and your ExW isn't as her career has taken a hit with her having maternity leave, and maybe even going part time for a time?

Guessing she has enabled you to build a high earning career unhindered by the daily drudgery she has been doing

That’s a lot of presumptions given OP has actually only referred to his own gender.

This doesn't matter. Even if his STBXW/H chose to be unemployed that doesn't make his/her piss taking demands reasonable. OP isn't interested in the replies anyway.

Fortunately the reason for separation have no bearing on the financial outcome

we don’t know the op is a high earner, he says he was the higher earner out if him and his ex. We don’t know the ex gave up work or went part time or anything. And even so, her expectations are not reasonable

op you need to look at your assets, your needs ( both parties) and come up with a fair proposal that can house you both and allow you both to move on

What do you feel is in the best interests of your child?

Well, there’s in the interest of child, then there’s reality and ability to move on for both parents

it’s not right one parent gets everything to their advantage completely at the expense and disadvantage of the other- that is not in the child’s interests.

If ops ex wants to remain she’ll need to pay mortgage and bills singly while op rents for a few years but not expect op to pay for her to live there, and rent and maintenance. Cloud cuckoo land

My ex partner is in identical situation as you and has been worn down so much he's actually talked himself in to the possibility of giving her the lot; house, contents, and he walks away with their joint loans to pay off. Good luck OP, don't be guilted. You owe it to your child that both of his parents are able to live a life. If your son was in your shoes in 25 years, what would you advise him or want him to do for himself?