He's being a massive hypocrite right?

[finallyaskedfordivorce]

Apologies for long story but need to give context.

Ex dh has messaged tonight to make a couple of changes to contact over the next 4 days. He wants to replace a morning of contact with an after work trip to the park on a different day. The kids aren't available on the evening of the day he has suggested and I've told him this.

I didn't go into detail of why they aren't available (and don't feel I should have to) but he's demanding to know "what activities are they doing that means I can't see my children on 48 hours notice".

He is also stating that he doesn't have to pay me child support until after the divorce......because I earn more than him and I've "made him homeless".

backstory/context:
Separated almost 4 months now- 3 kids (16, 8 and 6)
He's living with his parents
I'm in the family home and paying all the bills myself
He refuses to commit to a pattern of contact "because of his shifts" even though he has a 3 week repeating pattern of shifts
He does do overtime to supplement his income
Hasn't had the kids for any overnights since we separated
In terms of weekends off, he has 1 full weekend off in 3 and 1 half weekend in 3 (Sundays) - never does overtime on the weekends, only on weekdays.

Since separating he has spent time with his children on only 1 of his full weekends off (so 1 of a possible 6). He spent the other 5 "unavailable" pursuing a new relationship with someone else. (No problem with the someone else, she wasn't an OW, he just had her lined up in the wings ready to go)

When he has informed me that he will be "unavailable" to his kids. I just accept that and don't ask for further detail.

I do have an appt with a solicitor but it's not until a couple of weeks from now.

So it's ok for him to be "unavailable" but not the kids to be "unavailable"?

I'm genuinely not withholding the kids for no reason. There's only been a handful of occasions since we split where I've had to say "no sorry the kids can't make that day/time" even though I'd love to do it more often because I really don't want to have to see him myself.

I'd reply with 'oh are we both expected to give a reason each time we aren't available? You haven't done that before'. Though you might be better off just ignoring. Minimising the 'dialogue' is probably better for your blood pressure.

That's pretty much exactly what I went back with

His response was "I'm not asking what you're doing, I want to know what the kids are doing" but it's pretty much the same thing since they're with me 95% of the time

I've spent a long time minimising dialogue
Tbh but Tonight I cracked and opened the door and said more (though all of it pretty measured still). I refuse to give him anything to take the moral high ground on!

Start using a coparenting app so all the communication is stored in one place and you can keep records of contact. Ignore the intrusive or argumentative messages. If your 16 year old is ok with it get them to sort their own contact direct. Just put in CMS application and just say it’s better if an impartial 3rd party deals with it. As long as you are offering contact and have evidence of doing that then it’s fine. If he wants he can go to court for a contact schedule but then he would have to commit to a schedule! Tell him to make requests via the app. You can also suggest mediation and reaching a formal agreement that way. Judges do make allowances for people on shifts but also expect them to organise the contact as soon as they get given their shifts and not wait until the last minute.

If he's got a repeating shift pattern he needs to commit to a repeating contact arrangement. Your 6- and 8-year olds will need the stability and predictability. The 16-year-old as well, I expect.

The idea that your children are never going to have plans more than 48 hours in advance, or that they should cancel what they're doing to see him, is ludicrous.

Hopefully your 16-year-old will be able to manage their relationship and time with him themself, but they might need help
Your 6- and 8-year old will need you to be their advocate with him if he can't put their needs above his desires. That's really hard to do.

Go through CMS. He needs to pay based on how many nights he has them. It might focus his mind on arranging contact!

Start a child support claim as of course he has to pay regardless of marital status. Some people don’t get divorced immediately. Get the cash to support the kids. Put that claim in now

he is disappointing them by not having when agreed. I used to make myself sick when I was at primary school worrying if my dad would actually turn up for the weekend. My mum (to her credit as she’s a narcissistic AH that I don’t speak to anymore) never said a bad word against him. Just let me find out myself.

keep all communication and screenshot as WhatsApp messages can get deleted so use email.

He's correct about the CM he won't have to pay you much if anything, as you're the higher earner and you'll have to buy him out of the house. It's shit but that's my current situation.

What’s wrong with just telling him what the kids are up to?
If he asks you to change their plans, just say no - he’s the one asking the favour to switch contact arrangements, and they are doing something else.

The reason I didn't want to get into the details of why the kids weren't available at that particular time is because I was going to be out and had arranged babysitting. But the person babysitting doesn't want to have to deal with him.

But I didn't want to get into all that, plus I didn't want to have to deal with comments from him about me having a life.

No that's wrong!. He has to pay a set percentage of his income regardless what she earns!!!

This is not at all true

Yes he is a massive hypocrite. Important rule in these situations is centre the child. Them having uncertainty and having to change their plans to fit around his dating life is not that. So he needs to set up a predictable routine and stick to it.

Also agree go to CMS if he has no overnights then he will have to pay the full whack. CMS is completely separate from any other financial arrangements. Its not like he's paying rent or mortgage at his parents anyway. Although one thing to be wary of is him insisting on moving back in to punish you for asking him to financially contribute, that depends on if he is still listed as an owner or tenant.

Since when does she have to disclose her earnings when making a CM claim?

CM is a % of income until children are 18 it's based on number of nights.
It's not mean tested by receiving parent only paying parent.

He is hinting at spousal to him as he's "homeless".

Just ignore. He's using narrative and emotions rather than fact. It's about about asset division and need. You're both working and need to find your own lives (minus division of assets now, or at some point in the future depending on what finances allow for)

Child matters are totally separate. Don't mix the two. Financial remedy and CM are separate.

Provide a reasonable alternative, or suggest keep current plans. If he resists. Say they'll see you next week at agreed time.

Remember, you're not blocking contact, you're facilitating contact and being consistent for the children.

There is no reason with the shifts you outline you can't agree a consistent regular co-parenting schedule. He is just being difficult on purpose and it's not about the children it's about the control.

I'd also recommend a parenting app. Our Family Wizard is a paid for one but it's court permissable. But there are other free ones that can help control the communication and planning schedule in its own universe which ca. Be helpful!

Good luck you're doing so well x