Children's view

[Orchidlie22]

Ex left years ago as having an affair and had a new family within the year.

Children view it that he left them but ex is convinced he left me but not them and I am wrong in thinking how I do.

Just wondered what others thought?

Has he continued having a relationship with them?

Well he’s right really, most people break up with their partner not children. He exited a relationship with you. That’s on the basis he is still seeing them/has them over/plays a parenting role etc

in either case your children should not be drawn into it and shouldn’t be encouraged to hold this view by you.

One of the aspects of my husbands betrayal and separation that I am finding very hard is this societally upheld belief that he has ‘left me’ - but ‘not the children’.

I think this view diminishes the impact and trauma that the children have experienced in going from a two parent family to a single parent family overnight. They are also teenagers and sadly fully aware of his infidelity.

My husbands choice to cheat is as much a betrayal against the children and the family life we had seemingly built together for them as it is against me. Being told by people that they need to somehow remove their father’s actions from the anger they feel towards him is confusing to them and invalidates their feelings.

Just because a father continues to make a financial contribution towards his children and maintains contact - surely this should be the bare minimum society expects of them anyway? Keeping in touch over the years is hardly taking on fifty percent of parenting responsibilities, decisions, the mental load etc.

Children cannot help but have their own opinions and feelings towards their parents. They are directly living the reality- they are not being ‘drawn into it’ - but they do not exist in a bubble, oblivious to the their father leaving and beginning a new life elsewhere without them. The impact on them is just as devastating.

I find it mind blowing that as the woman - not only am I expected to just carry on as normal amid the devastation of my husbands unexpected departure and the discovery of his selfish, cliched affair, take on 100% of the parenting, look after the house, a dog, continue going to work full time without making any complaint or daring to let the children see how upset and sad I am - but On TOP of all of this, that the major source of trauma to my children is going to be the result of my showing any emotions or negative feelings towards their Dad for fear of influencing the way they perceive him.

That it is somehow not the fathers actions but the mothers reaction to what’s happened that is going to mess the kids up in the long term - yet again holding the woman to blame whilst society lets the man off with little judgement.

unbelievable.

Ladies, I am calling b*%llsh&t on this societal belief.

Your ex' view helps him convince himself that he hasn't hurt his DCs or left them feeling insecure and bewildered.

Some parents manage this by being ever-present in their DC's lives, co-parenting amicably and sharing the parenting load equality. I know one couple who divorced, ended up living three doors apart, shared care equally and their children adapted well.

My ex sees his ds 6 hours a week and contributes very little. There is a huge difference.

@Humptydont you put it so well and I completely agree with what you have said.

I am my children's everything whilst their father is totally selfish and only concerned clearly for himself, even trying to diminish his actions and the way his children feel. He's told them that they are wrong in how they feel. That angered them even more.

The impact of their Dad moving out and having a new family has been huge over the years and sadly I couldn't protect them from that hurt they've felt.

Eldest no longer sees his Dad and of course I'm to blame!

So people with children are never allowed to break up? Or only when mum
choses to?

life can be crap and throw many curve balls to relationships. You can be a shit husband/wife but a good dad/mum. Not saying that’s the case here as we do t know. But all the people I know including myself left their spouse/ not their children

I suspect op you have also had some impact on your children by putting your own feelings into them and how they see him.

@millymollymoomoo

My ex is a serial cheat. He's now cheated on the OW. He left us for a new family with her and now has disrespected her and their child like he did me.

What is that teaching my children?

Sadly when the parent you look up to ruins your trust on so many levels because they are selfish does not make them a good parent.

He left our family home so he left them. Seeing them when he wants is selfish. Does not do your self confidence well knowing your Dad isn't putting your needs above his. And this is not a one off sadly in their lives.

I feel I'm constantly picking up the pieces!

I think it takes very little to be seen as an amazing dad, and equally little for a mum to be demonised for not running around like their ex's handmaiden.

His actions will speak for who he left, did he make an effort to see them, help with homework, go queue up in bloody Clark's for new school shoes?

How many doctors and dentist appointments has he done? School applications? How many times has he comforted them when they have been sad?

I suspect the answers to these questions will demonstrate why the children think he left them as well.

I also agree with @Humptydont

My ex didn't have an affair - he did however say he couldn't hack family life. Therefore he left the children just as much as he did me. In fact more so - our children made us a family.

I don't lie for him and I don't pretend he's a wonderful father and I don't act like he isn't a selfish arsehole. The children were told he left because he wasn't happy. Is that influencing them to have negative feelings towards him? Not my problem.