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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Co-Parenting long distance

15 replies

CW2211 · 23/09/2024 13:20

I’m really struggling to co parent with my ex at the minute as it seems like he just wants to argue about everything and try and make it all about him and how his life can be easier. We split up in April and are now co parenting long distance (about 3-4 hours). He drives and has a car but I don’t so if we meet halfway for him to see our son - which we have been doing the past few months - I’m getting a metro and train with my child in his buggy to meet his dad and then travelling back home alone once he’s with his dad for the weekend and doing the same journey to collect him. I have recently found myself worse off financially and lost around £500 a month which means I have no way of affording the train tickets to meet him anymore. Even when I haven’t gotten the train I have still paid him half of the petrol for travelling up to spend the day with our son.
I have the chance to take DS on holiday in November with family all paid for and his dad is refusing to write me a permission letter unless I agree to keep meeting him halfway with our almost 2 year old. We can’t really afford mediation or court but there’s just no sense from him and he thinks its unsafe to drive 3.5 hours to see his son once a month for a weekend.
Does anyone have experience from a similar situation or any advice for how to move forward?

OP posts:
SauviGone · 23/09/2024 13:22

I think the onus really should be on the parent who moved away to do the majority of the travel to facilitate contact.

Why do you need a permission letter from him to take your child on holiday?

Toiletrollwaspreciousincovidtimes · 23/09/2024 13:23

Who moved?
Is he on the bc?
Apply for a who lives with order. Costs I think £115.. Then you can take ds out of the country for up to 28 days without his permission.. Cheaper than court. And train journeys.. If he wants to see his dc he can travel and pay costs. Claim cms BTW....

Original poster
CW2211 · 23/09/2024 13:38

It’s a weird situation because we lived where I am now with my DS when he was born but moved away together last year to be closer to my exes family as he was suffering with bad mental health. I moved back here in April when the relationship was over so technically I moved away but I just moved back to my sons original home and also where we both lived for almost 3 years together.

I need a permission letter in case we get stopped at the airport or anything since I don’t have the same surname as my son and he’ll only have one parent with him.
He is on the birth certificate so I’m asking for this letter just to have it in case we get stopped.

He thinks it’s fair for me to be getting trains with our son and paying the whole costs of those and even wanted me to meet him at 7pm on a Friday night in a busy city centre with our son.

OP posts:
SauviGone · 23/09/2024 13:42

So you moved away, but you want him to do a 7 hour round trip to collect his son, then a 7 hour round trip to return him?

Sorry but I think meeting him halfway is a perfectly reasonable request, especially as it’s only once a month.

Original poster
CW2211 · 23/09/2024 13:54

SauviGone · 23/09/2024 13:42

So you moved away, but you want him to do a 7 hour round trip to collect his son, then a 7 hour round trip to return him?

Sorry but I think meeting him halfway is a perfectly reasonable request, especially as it’s only once a month.

Edited

I forgot to add it would only be temporary until I’m back at work when our son goes to nursery in January. So only 2-3 months as I already had booked train tickets for this weekend before I lost a lot of my income. And whenever I ask for a permission letter to go on holiday with our son he just replies with ‘are we meeting halfway once a month’ as if me meeting him halfway is relevant to him giving me permission to take our child on holiday.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 23/09/2024 14:15

He could have stopped you moving your son away. He didn’t and he’s not wrong to expect you to do half the travel. Does he work and does he pay child support?

DeeDee20 · 23/09/2024 14:28

I feel for you, I’m sorry. I’m in the middle of separation and can’t afford to live in London anymore working only part time to look after my 2year old son. Can’t afford a mortgage or rent so have no choice but to move out. Ex will stay in London. Also tries to control me about taking son away as we don’t have the same surname. I also don’t drive, he does.
here if you need vent x

Original poster
CW2211 · 23/09/2024 14:30

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/09/2024 14:15

He could have stopped you moving your son away. He didn’t and he’s not wrong to expect you to do half the travel. Does he work and does he pay child support?

He actually told me multiple times to move back home with our son before the relationship was over because it was so wrong for us and he knew it too. He does work and pay child maintenance, but he expects me to use the child maintenance towards travel to meet him when child maintenance is for the living costs of our son not train tickets so he doesn’t have to drive longer

OP posts:
BodyKeepingScore · 23/09/2024 15:18

I've not once needed a permission slip from any of my exes to take my children (all of whom have different surnames to me) on holiday.
It wouldn't be worth the paper it's written on because there is no way for them to verify it unless it's been overseen by a solicitor.

Re travel... you moved so it's only fair that you cover the costs of travelling to meet him halfway.

LeafHunter · 23/09/2024 19:44

Is the change in your income a permanent one or will it change? I’d suggest court if it’s a long term thing but if it’s just this month the income has changed then I’d accept the added cost.

Original poster
CW2211 · 24/09/2024 09:13

LeafHunter · 23/09/2024 19:44

Is the change in your income a permanent one or will it change? I’d suggest court if it’s a long term thing but if it’s just this month the income has changed then I’d accept the added cost.

It should only be until January when my son starts nursery and I can go back to work

OP posts:
Sassybooklover · 24/09/2024 09:36

You need a letter from your ex partner, permitting you to take your child out of the country. The exception to this is, if you have a court ordered Child Arrangement Order, in which case you are permitted to take a child out of the country up to 28 days without permission from the other parent, unless the CAO states you can't. Unfortunately, he's playing the winning card here, if you want the letter, you either will need to go to Court and obtain a CAO or suck it up and agree to meet half-way. Although you moved to his area together, it was your decision to move back to the area your son was born. You could have chosen to stay living in the same area, but you didn't. It would have made more sense for you to have continued living in the same area (unless it's so astronomically expensive, you couldn't), to make it easier for both of you. As hard as it is, I don't think it's unreasonable for him to request you meet him halfway. Can a family member help you by driving you both halfway to drop your child or collect, to make it a bit easier?

SonicTheHodgeheg · 24/09/2024 09:42

A Child Arrangement Order would be the cheapest way to do this. You’d be able to get holidays of up to 28 days legally allowed indefinitely without risk that your ex sabotages the holiday. Currently he could call the airport and say that you are kidnapping the child and they wouldn’t be allowed to fly.

You were lucky that he didn’t take legal steps to stop your son from moving. (he can’t stop you but he could have stopped his son) Morally you should be paying travel costs because you moved away.

Original poster
CW2211 · 24/09/2024 10:17

Sassybooklover · 24/09/2024 09:36

You need a letter from your ex partner, permitting you to take your child out of the country. The exception to this is, if you have a court ordered Child Arrangement Order, in which case you are permitted to take a child out of the country up to 28 days without permission from the other parent, unless the CAO states you can't. Unfortunately, he's playing the winning card here, if you want the letter, you either will need to go to Court and obtain a CAO or suck it up and agree to meet half-way. Although you moved to his area together, it was your decision to move back to the area your son was born. You could have chosen to stay living in the same area, but you didn't. It would have made more sense for you to have continued living in the same area (unless it's so astronomically expensive, you couldn't), to make it easier for both of you. As hard as it is, I don't think it's unreasonable for him to request you meet him halfway. Can a family member help you by driving you both halfway to drop your child or collect, to make it a bit easier?

The decision to end our relationship would always have meant me moving back up to my family as I left my whole family to be closer to his in order to try and help his mental health but unfortunately it ended with my mental health getting worse after a year of being so far from my family so with no support. He always knew that the only option would have been me coming back if we were to break up and as I’ve mentioned previously he actively encouraged me to move back here when things got bad between us. I may be able to get some help from family at times but it wouldn’t be guaranteed each month due to them working. I personally don’t think it’s fair for him to be preventing our son from having a holiday just because he’s unhappy with the current plan of me being unable to meet him halfway.

OP posts:
LeafHunter · 24/09/2024 10:49

Is work and nursery confirmed for January? It sounds like you’ll have a plan for a few months and then it’ll change as you won’t be able to travel so much to take your son when you’re working?

Whether or not it’s right, it is your ex’s choice to not write anything to say you can take your son abroad.

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