Divorce with special needs adult child

[DJKT]

Hi, can anyone give me some advice? Husband walked out to live with someone else, completely out of the blue, after 30yrs together, 26 married. I'm left caring full time for our adult son with special needs. Anyone know my rights regarding divorce, the house etc. I have no income other than carers allowance and sons benefits. Been over a Yr and still no idea where we will be living or any agreement on anything. Got solicitor but he just seems happy to sit back and wait for my husband to make a proposal.

You have rights to a fair share of assets

thst will depend on the assets available, your ages, income potential and needs.

if you have no ability to work as your son needs 24 hour care you will have a strong case for a higher share.

what has your solicitor proposed ?
what has his solicitor proposed?

Do you own the house or are you renting? Who is paying the mortgage / rent?
Do you have details of your H’s assets?

It might be he has no incentive to propose a settlement and he’s spending his savings.

If he is cohabiting, his partner’s income can be taken into account.

If you have savings of less than 16k then you should also look at claiming UC to top up your carers allowance.

His partners income won’t be taken into account and she can refuse to provide details. Quite right too.

however, if he’s cohabiting it could be his needs to assets to house himself could be deemed less if he’s deemed suitably housed. However, after a v long marriage you should expect both come away with a fair share of those.

If he is cohabiting, his partner’s income can be taken into account.

This is very unhelpful misinformation.

Are you in England?

Wow! You lot are great, never expected to get any response!
Yes, I'm in the UK and care 24/7, worked full and PT during school yrs at minimum wage so no pension to talk about, put everything into his. Originally husband said we sort it amicably and I could have house and 1/2 pension but then wanted to attach so many criteria (me cohabiting or moving mean pay him half the value back etc). I had to ask Solicitor about maintenance, he never mentioned it, having house is great but not if I can't afford to live, i get carers topped up to £500 per month with UC. Husbands Solicitor said the offer of house, pension and any maintenance was too generous so husband has withdrawn from all our previous discussed options and my solicitor says just wait for their next move. Been over a yr of worrying about where myself and son will be living so starting to get to me now.

Oh, and sorry, yes we own the house jointly with about £30k mortgage left.

expecting 100% of house, half pension plus maintenance is way too much to expect !

presume your ex is in 50s so how would he house himself too ( ignore ow) and also build pot back up

how much does he earn?

what’s the pension worth ?

unless he’s v high earner it’s unlikely you’d get spousal maintenance and certainly not if you get higher % of capital assets.

its perfectly standard ( and fair) to attach criteria that triggers sale of house etc, usually cohabitation or when child reaches 18 ( realise this is not applicable here)

how big is the house? You need a Two bed… what are you in now? Can you downsize

have you applied for uc and any other benefits aside carers allowance?

OP it is really important you tell posters which UK country you are in as there are different legal jurisdictions in the UK, and so the outcome from divorce will vary.

btw If you have the choice always go for part of his pension rather than just the house. You need to be able to eat and heat when you are 70.

I think your husband has a duty of care to your adult DC. Presumably they will never be independent if they need 24/7 care. I would be asking for assets to be split three ways with you controlling the DC’s share as their carer.

Millymollymoomoo
Perhaps I didn't make myself clear, I don't expect the house, pension, maintenance etc, I'm just trying to understand what the options are and what I can reasonably expect. My solicitor is very vague and is very good at dancing around questions or I just don't understand what he's talking about. I know I won't be able to work due to caring, won't be able to afford a house with half the value of current house and as I mentioned in my original post he has moved in with someone else so doesn't need the house. He brings home about 5k p/m after deductions I believe and his pension is final salary.
I also understand that criteria can be attached to the property sharing/allocation but am concerned that as I am not getting any younger and caring will only get harder, I may need to change to an easier property/bungalow but if I have to give half of sale value to husband I won't be able to do that in the future.
I'm just trying to understand how this works and what I can expect to happen.

Reugny
Thank you for the pension comment and I am in England.

Your son is entitled to pip ,approx £500 ,and universal credit in his own name of£300 a month if he's capable of working,..if he's not capable of working you fill out a form similar to pip and he gets another £400 a month .
This is his contribution to his living expensives,it's not meant to save ,if your not already claiming this on his behalf,you need to

Stormingnorman
That leads to my next concern as my sons benefits are paying most of the bills at the moment and I don't know if his money can/should be taken into account in all this. Its very confusing and I'm amazed people go through it more than once

your solicitor should be able to advise you on a reasonable range of outcomes - if they can’t - get a better one

you need to get pension valued

its not right he is expected to handover house as he’s with someone else/ what if that is short lived- anymore than you want to hand over half the house value if you cohabitate

you should both walk away with good pot of assets after long marriage.

you clearly have a strong needs case - and it sounds like there are assets to provide needs, but this will be balanced against his age and ability to earn,his ability to house himself ( independently)

are you ‘over housed’ eg in a 4 bed bmwhen your need 2? Can you sell and downsize? Have you claimed universal credit?

you should start by working out 50% of house and 50% of pension ( with proper valuation done) / then adjusting up due to your caring needs and little earning potential

Millymollymoomoo
Thank you for the advice/info. I understand what you are saying about solicitor but I haven't found any advertising their abilities on a scale of 1 to 10 so difficult to know if you get one better or worse 😀
Yes we are in a larger house because we had it altered to a accommodate him in the future if he had any chance of independence (24 and still has imaginary friends so not looking likely) also within a few hundred yards of my parents and inlaws so really not wanting to move him away from his only friends.
I do appreciate all of the advice.

I understand that. But a court will look at what you need not what you want, vs the assets available

im sure this is a worrying time for you and don’t want to sound heartless in my posts, but it will come down to the cold hard realities of what is needed vs what is there, and not leaving one party with v little.

in my view you need to

get pension properly valued
apply uc
change solicitors to one who will give you clear ( but realistic ) advice and guidance
work out what 50% provides you vs what you think you need.

He will then have to do the same.

Thank you everyone for all of your help, comments, suggestions, it was very much appreciated. There is lots online about divorce, divorce involving children and even divorce involving disabled children but I couldn't find anything about divorce with disabled children over 18. I don't want to "fleece" my husband but equally I don't want to be a doormat. He is still my sons father and I think he's an idiot but I don't wish him ill (secretly a case of the clap may be acceptable). I will follow up on some of the suggestions, thank you.

I couldn't find anything about divorce with disabled children over 18.

That's because disabled children over 18 are disabled adults.

Your current solicitor is waiting on your husband's as your case isn't straightforward plus you don't have the funds to pay him so he isn't going to run up legal costs for you.

A PP has given a list of what you need to do, however you will help yourself if before you change solicitors you:

1. Work out what you need rather than want, then write it down. For example you need a home to house you and if possible your disabled dependant adult son who is unlikely to ever be independent. (Wanting to stay in the current family home and be near all your relatives is a clear want.) You need to be able to afford to have more to live on than the state pension after retirement age rather than being stuck with a big house you have to maintain until you can sell it. (Ok this is a want but you don't want to sort out your divorce to find you are screwed in retirement.)
2. Write down specific questions that you want answers to from a solicitor e.g. what do you think I am entitled to if our joined assets are worth this much and we have been together including married for this long, is my husband obliged to support our disabled adult son who is unlikely to be independent as I have tried looking this up myself and haven't found any information on this, if my husband is then what happens when he retires . (The solicitor should know that adult social care may have to get involved in the care of your son particularly as you age but you are asking about maintenance payments for him now.)

Myself and others I know for reasons including divorce have found solicitors most helpful if you go to them with specific and clear questions you want answers to. In some cases they have had to consult a barrister to get answers to questions, which you pay for, but it ends up saving you time and money in the long run. This also means in your case you need to very clear and open about your son's disabilities to the solicitor and what your son can do now rather than what you hope your son will be able to do, as if there is a chance his father has to pay maintenance he is likely to contest it.