Feel so broken

[newbeginnings22]

I applaud all you brave ladies who have managed to move forward in life. Right now from my perspective my life is shattered. I am not going to sugar coat it, I've had a horrible marriage. But rightly or wrongly I don't want my 3 small DC ( 8,5,4) life shattered too.
He says he wants to keep it amicable ( I don't see how it's possible)
A simple argument a month ago, has led to this point. 11 years married and it's over by text.
It will be a messy, messy breakup. Finances are very tricky eg tied up in property and a business.
I can't see how I can carve a life on my own. I'm so utterly heartbroken over a relationship that I know I should have left years ago, but have not been brave enough to.
This really just is an incoherent post as I type through my tears, stomach churning, heart physically hurting.. I just am lost tonight

You are going to be ok.

Try to focus on what you need right now. Back to basics.

Sleep, food, water, warmth, fresh air etc

What would help you right now?

I am also feeling the same as you tonight and just wanted to reach out.
I am so sorry for how you're feeling, and feel absolutely hopeless. I lost two babies last year with the man who has broken my heart, and I cant imagine what it must be like to have three little ones to look after whilst you feel like this.

your sentence "I should have left years ago." and that its been a horrible marriage has drawn some simalirites to my own situation. My relationship has been so toxic, and so awful at times, my own family have stopped talking to me because essentially I chose him. :(

I long for him to come back to me, he upped and left a few weeks ago, and as awful as he can be I find myselff longing for him. I fear I will end up in your position eventually. given the chance I feel I would take him back if he offered the right love or words, just to stop feeling like this. I am so weak and broken down now. I have accepted a lot of things I shouldn't.

I so hope your situation improves, the longer I have stayed the more ive tried the worse and more painful things have gotten. mine has only been 2 years, I cannot imagine how you must be feeling and I am so so sorry.

I pray that the universe one day changes our luck in love. life and love seem so so cruel right now!

@SilentRetreat my life as I have it, with him instead being a good man

@Lonelygirl1992 in tears reading your reply as I can feel the pain, and understand the longing. Please don't be me. Get out/ stay out x

@newbeginnings22 Big hug it is very hard. My soon to be ex husband ended our marriage last year. It was tough at first but now I realise it did me a favour! If your marriage was horrible now you can be free. This is the storm it will get better but it takes time. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Accept help and support from friends and family. It is still difficult at times but it is getting better all the time for me and my kids. It really is a relief to be away from the emotional abuse we were suffering from.

And finally get a solicitor! Start researching for one in your area and do a couple of free consultations. Don’t worry if you are tied to the house with your kids many now will do telephone or zoom/teams. Save some money for this if you can. Look after yourself and read some of the positive threads of the people who have come out the other side.

@Lonelygirl1992 big hug to you too.

Take care of yourselves and best wishes to both of you.

If you had a horrible marriage your children would have felt that too. Maybe separation will be better for you and them in the long run. Either way, you need to put the children first. I'm sorry for your pain.

This.

And - this is VERY important, so please make it a priority...:

• educate yourself about the practicalities of the divorce process.
• Wikivorce, Divorce for Dummies etc
• gather all financial documentation
• consult with an experienced family solicitor

You have 3 young children. Make sure you get what's due to you and them.

Don't fall apart and allow him to fleece you!

@Jolenepleasetakeawaymyman I wonder if Jolene could do 2-4-1 and take that man too.

Thankyou for your kind words. I just am overwhelmed thinking about life and how it's going to look.

I am mid forties, children small. I am grieving for a relationship part of my life I can't envisage having again. Like all mums the DC are my world, and I cannot imagine ever letting anyone else in.

@PaminaMozart
Thankyou for the practical advice.
I think he will be fair financially ( until a new woman comes on the scene perhaps) but I don't think half of accumulated wealth. I already know from previous hypothetical chats he won't want to use a solicitor ( previous experience with his parents divorce)

No no no..... and more NO !!!

You have 3 YOUNG children with this man !!!!

• You are due WAY more than 50%.

PLEASE engage an experienced family solicitor without delay. You want to be sure you know what you are doing.

Whether he gets legal advice or not is his business. Irrespective of previous experience and what he has told you, he WILL engage a solicitor if he thinks it'll be to his benefit.

Don't be a mug. Your children's financial future depends on what you do now.

Oh @newbeginnings22 - despite the hopeful user name you are in such a dark place.
No wonder when your whole world is turned upside down and three little ones are with you as you embark painfully on a voyage into the unknown.
Nothing is going to take your pain away sadly, wish it were not so.
But there are life belts you can cling to in this storm, that will keep your chin above water until these emotions gradually make way as other better ones come through.
Despair and grief and bewilderment will have to share a bit of space with pockets of anger which can forge into determination, gradually the odd ray of optimism may break through the clouds. A surprising shower of calm when you suddenly realise you've just done something that used to be a huge problem but now isn't...
Though joy and happiness are still a far away prospect, equinamity may arrive sooner...

How to encourage these changes?

I think of it as like the gut biome, (bear with me), when we have all the healthy bugs in our tummy, the awful ones that make us sick can't thrive so to we do things to allow the ones we want to flourish. Eat fibre and a good balanced diet etc.

The emotional equivalent will help this pathogenic set of emotions to subside... Things like
Talking to wise and supportive people.
Reminding yourself this is not an uncharted journey - many people have been here before you and some - knowing how dark it is where you are right now - have left guide ropes and handholds for those coming behind in the form of websites, blogs, books, law guides etc etc ... Search them out and use them to help you through.
Try to notice what is ok right now, when you catch your despair casting thoughts ahead ask your mind to come to the present and think what is ok right now - kids had breakfast? That's good. School mum smiled at you. Ok. House still yours to use? And breathe... Ask your mind to change focus, dial down the torture.
Ringing the changes, what is possible and positive that you couldn't do when he was around?

I'm sure there's lots more but as a starter

One thing we do know is, hard to imagine though it may feel now, in five years time, but even less also, you will be feeling very differently. One day at a time you'll come through.

Please do get a divorce solicitor- it is no longer up to him what you decide to do. A solicitor will help you navigate this situation and reach hopefully a fair settlement. You can instruct your own solicitor who acts for you. It has nothing to do with his choice now!

Arrange a couple of free consultations and go with the person who best suits your needs. Sorry to be practical but just arranging these first steps helped me start to feel I was becoming more independent. You don’t have to instruct them to act straight away and you could still decide to do it yourself but it would give you more of an idea of where you stand. Also if it is financially complicated as you say then you really do need sound legal advice.

i chose my username as it really has come to feel like this. Mine left for another woman and at the time it was devastating but now i worry in case she dumps him and he wants to come back 😂 She really is welcome to him.

it really will get better. Don’t worry about future relationships cross that bridge later.

This is important and good advice. I was where you are a few years ago. Things do get better with time. Honestly you will be so much happier once you have grieved and got over the shock. Don't even think about 'letting someone else in' learn to be happy and comfortable with your own solitude. There's a reason why recent studies have shown that single women in their 30s and 40s are one of the happiest demographics.

OP I strongly advise that you go through a solicitor to make sure that you get what you're entitled to. Don't let him railroad you into not using one just because of a random negative story he's heard, that's BS.

Also, get help to process the abuse. There are a lot of mixed, conflecting emotions. Understanding what has happened to you and why gives you strength.

Just wanted to add to the advice. I’m sorry you are feeling so low, it absolutely is the hardest thing ever as no one expects this to happen to their marriage. As others have said, you are in for a difficult ride unfortunately with the child arrangements and financial split. Please research solicitors, gather as much financial info as you can and pay for an hours advice. Free half hours are great but in my experience they can’t go into everything, especially if it’s complicated by you having property and a business. You don’t need to ‘hire’ anyone at this stage but you need to know your options before you go into mediation or agree to anything. Good luck OP.

my life as I have it, with him instead being a good man
Oh sweetheart. You know that simply isn’t possible, right? You deserve so much better.

I already know from previous hypothetical chats he won't want to use a solicitor ( previous experience with his parents divorce)
He doesn’t get to decide whether YOU use a solicitor or not. He can choose not to use one himself, but you need to get your own. When going through my divorce my ex told me I’d taken the ‘nuclear option’ by getting a solicitor. What bollocks! I calmly explained that this was a process we’d not been through before and I wanted to ensure it was done properly. It was expensive, but worth it.

sorry you feel this way but please can people stop telling op she’s due way more than 50%! We have NO way of knowing that. And the fact she has 3 young children does not mean that all

op IS entitled to a fair share of assets but that could be more OR less than 50% even with 3 children.

op should seek legal advice and educate self absolutely

Sending love OP, you're going to be ok x