When do you know a divorce is the right thing to do?

[Blondie1806]

At what point did you realise that you wanted a divorce? was it a slow process ? was there a moment ? how do you know you wont regret it in years to come?

Do you feel guilty towards your husband or children?
My head is spinning at the moment and my husband is putting pressure on me to decide if I want a divorce or not, he doesn't. I think its the guilt towards him that's making me depressed.

i feel for you here, im a similar boat. 2 children and an unhappy marriage. me and my O/H have become distant and less connected. how old are your children?
i am wracked with guilt about how i feel and im contemplating a split, but the only thing that keeps me grounded is 2 things
1 - you dont know if you'll regret it, but when you think about a future with your DH do you like the idea of it or not?
2 - your dynamic right now, does it role model a healthy relationship for your kids?

i was talking to a trusted friend the other day, she asked me one question which really opened my thinking, (i dont know how old your kids are) but once they reach your age and came to you for advice because they felt how you are now. what would you tell them to do?

The guilt is horrendous. I won't lie! I tried to separate from my husband in March and am still here now as I keep giving in every time it comes to a head. I started a thread on the mental load of divorce and you are not alone.

Have you had any counselling? For me, individual counselling has been invaluable and is helping me to deal with the guilt.

However, the real moment for divorce rather than separation came for me when we had got to a place of me saying I wanted a divorce but then he wore me down and I told him I would be happy to try again. His relief was physical and visible, but I shut myself in a room upstairs and cried my heart out. I knew then I'd made a fundamentally huge mistake and that I couldn't continue with the marriage because the thought of that tore me apart more than leaving the marriage ever has done.

You can only had regrets if you let yourself dwell on the past.

With me, I looked into my future and thought "Is this what I want to be doing in 20 years' time?" The answer was no so I knew it was time to get out.

I had been doing absolutely everything around the house, taking kids to their clubs, homework etc as well as working full time in 3 different schools while he went to work, came home at 8, ate dinner and fell asleep in a chair until bedtime.

I felt like I was on a hamster wheel with no escape unless I did something about it.

I've had similar conversations with my husband about the kids...if our daughter (only 15 now) came to us and said she wanted to leave her marriage because she no longer loved her husband and it was making her depressed and utterly miserable I would tell her to leave in a heartbeat.

I've had similar conversations with my husband about the kids...if our daughter (only 15 now) came to us and said she wanted to leave her marriage because she no longer loved her husband and it was making her depressed and utterly miserable I would tell her to leave in a heartbeat.

This is exactly how I'd feel too. Unfortunately my mother said I'd brought shame on her and totally took XH's side. They made my life a total misery but I'm glad I stayed strong and have come out the other side.

Are you still living together ?

I was the dumped one but physical space really helped me to see our relationship clearly and think about my own needs. Now I can see that he did me a massive favour even though it was initially the worst thing that ever happened to me.

I think it’s easy to live in a crappy relationship when the kids are very young but as my children got older, I could see how my relationship with their dad (pre and post divorce) affected their dating life and that their dad did the right thing for everyone by leaving. Adults on here whose parents stayed together for the kids all say that they wish that their parents hadn’t as it’s a terrible burden knowing that your parents were unhappy for years because of their existence.

Same as pp. Did I want to continue with this life for the next twenty or thirty years. How would I feel when he retired and there was no escape from him during the daylight hours. Just me, him and the TV (I'm housebound due to pain).

I felt panicked and highly anxious imagining my future life, so I seriously thought what it would look like if we split. The lack of mess, the lack of grime, more free time because I was spending an hour every single morning cleaning up just his trail of devastation. No more Top Gear or Formula 1 dominating the TV and I would be able to watch my programmes or even have silence. No more broken things because he didn't care about my belongings. No more frustration, anger or resentment because of his attitude towards me, the children or the house.

Short answer - because I felt suicidal at the thought of living with him for another twenty years.

It was quite a long process for me - I kept telling myself things would improve (which they generally did, especially if I made a huge (unreciprocated) effort). It was exhausting. But I did it because I worried about the kids and I worried about my stbExH. Marriages are hard and they are never perfect. But I finally twigged that if I got seriously ill, or needed support he would not be there. It took for me being absolutely floored by covid and him deciding it was a good time to plan a last minute holiday with his mates, leaving me in a house with two kids and no food. It was that moment that I realised I had been kidding myself - I was a cook, cleaner and childcare provider and nothing else. He wasn’t willing to do anything for me. The marriage had upturns because my extra effort meant he had even more laid on for him than usual. It was quite an epiphany. And once my eyes had been opened I saw it all. I can’t say I won’t regret it in the future but I doubt I will. I know I need to work hard to make the kids be alright about all of this but i would rather this than see them follow the same relationship pattern - my stbExH’s parents had the relationship I now realise I am in!

Thank you all for responding and all the advice, I've re-read posts many times.
My marriage doesn't model a healthy relationship for my children (I have 4). He is vile to my eldest sometimes, she doesn't particularly like him. I'm trying to imagine a future with him and its difficult. I've been thinking about counselling as I don't have anybody to talk to, but it fills me with dread - talking to a stranger about how I'm feeling, if I start crying I doubt I'll stop, I'm holding everything together but feel like I will burst at some point.

So glad I found this forum, thank you.

Currently in the same boat. Together 25 years and married 19. Kids are teenagers. He works hard, provides well and does more than his fair share with the kids and at home. However he's a nightmare when he's had a few drinks and Im on the receiving end. Tells me how awful I am and has turned the kids against me. Calls me an alcoholic( I'm not) threatens to report me to social services. Tells me to fuck of out of the house, and the names he calls me are awful.

Why am I still here because I am unable to work due to a serious health condition. I couldn't afford the mortgage on my own and I can't get social housing as I own a property. Rents are higher than my mortgage. I'm stuck. To the outside world he is Mr perfect though.

Hi all. I posted earlier on my feelings and situation. I don’t know if this will help or bring any advice/comfort
i decided to take a jump. Challenged my wife about everything yesterday, explained that after years of going around the same six month cycle we needed to make changes. I said I felt like a “hard reset” would be the best thing and suggested a trial separation. She was deeply upset by this, but once I said it I couldn’t give ground as nothing would change. It’s been a shot night and day, I spent the night at my parents but we have spent hours talking yesterday and today. I don’t know what’s going to happen. After talking today I’m not staying away any more, need to keep the kids at the centre, so the living room is my room for now and I don’t think what I want has changed, but it ended up really sort of constructive. She has agreed to certain changes and we have found a counsellor who will start seeing us tomorrow.

I asked my stbexh for a divorce this week. Our relationship has never been happy and healthy and there have been many, many incidents over the years which have caused me to lose respect for him. This came to a head in August when he got very drunk and extremely abusive one night.

I have realised that he is abusive and it's had/having an impact on me and our DS. I've known deep down for years that I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with him, but have never had the guts to leave. I can categorically state that I won't regret divorcing him, but I'm sure there will be many moments when I feel sadness.

I don't feel guilty about stbexh after doing some counselling sessions. I found them really beneficial and am going to continue on my own. The counsellor gave me clarity. We did some sessions together as a couple and 1 individually. I do feel guilty about DS, although stbexh's behaviour around DS, and with him, warrants me leaving him. I also know that we're not modelling a healthy relationship to him.

You need to protect your daughter. If he is vile to her that is terrible and reason enough to leave.

I'm separated a year and got a divorce in May. I didn't hang about with that. I was with him for 23 years. He bullied me, and tried to distance me from my mother, and made me feel shit about myself. He made me to be the bad parent and constantly criticised what I was doing. I believed him, or second-guessed myself all the time. I believed I was a crappy person.

When things got difficult he'd shout and scream then sulk for days. Then last year he told our daughter he wished she'd never been born, and tried to rationalise it after, saying that she caused him some personal slight by having a typical teenage strop. Then he tried to gaslight her later by saying she misheard him (I heard what he'd said perfectly well). I thought, nah,history is repeating now, I'm not putting up with this anymore. Bully and gaslight me, ok, I'm sadly used to it, but our child, no way.

Unfortunately our DD is 18 now so she sees her dad when she likes, and I've done my best not to badmouth him, but my god, it's hard.

I regret choosing him to be the father of my baby because our relationship has not been a good model for her and there have been times in her life when she has told her dad to stop picking on me. No child should feel they have to say that. I feel guilty every single day.

He still tries to manipulate me now. I communicate mostly my WhatsApp with him over matters regarding our daughter, and that suits me. But he wants to meet for coffee and talk in person. We split "amicably" for our daughter's sake but he thinks we can be friends. It's remarkable really. I want nothing more to do with him.

I knew I was unhappy in my marriage for years.
I could put up with the gaslighting, the emotional abuse, the controlling behaviour, as in my head it was better for the kids to have two parents.
Until the day my ex husband turned his emotional abuse on my eldest, who was 9 or 10 at the time.
That was it, game over for me. You can fuck with me, but don't fuck with my kids. I started the divorce process within three weeks of that incident.

My STBXH made a habit of screaming at me about absolutely nothing to the point where where our 3YO (at the time) cowered behind me saying he was scared. We also had an under 1 at that point, now just turned 2. Tried counselling at the absolute end but this only made him angrier.

I wanted a happy family but wasn’t going to get it and had to protect children from the trauma. That now means I have to spend days on end not seeing them which breaks my heart.

It’s on balance worse for me now but I did what was right for my children.

I agree it’s very helpful to look at your future life, or the alternative life you could be living. Obviously, in some circumstances, there’s a make or break moment (abuse, infidelity), but it doesn’t have to be that.

In my case, infidelity, but I don’t think he would ever actually have left; we could have had a half-life that was financially comfortable but soulless and inauthentic; but parallel to that I was living a suppressed life as a SAHM, and it was like a key turning to give me a sense of worth back. I grabbed it.