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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Divorcing

26 replies

DivorcingMomma · 19/09/2024 10:54

Hello, can you advise please. Getting to the nitty gritty stage now

me and H been together 27 years but 10 years married

  • two children- 16 a levels and 10 years old
  • private renting
  • both work full time
  • Both have savings of around £30k
  • we have always had separate money*
  • both have pensions but mine are probably more than his due to me being more on it than him*
  • i have worked part time in the past to accommodate childcare
  • both earn similar although he does earn bonuses which means he could get around £7k extra per year, plus company car too
  • he has the potential to have £100k in inheritance in the future. I wont have that option of any inheritance as my family are no longer with us

i just want to get out of this marriage asap and move on with my life.

i applied online for a divorce earlier this year ~April time. He wasn’t happy and wanted to carry on as we are but im now at the point i cant do this any longer. He begrudgingly agreed to the divorce online. Weve done nothing since. I contacted a solicitor yesterday who said fees are £250 per session 🙈 To make the most of these i wanted advice on what i need to sort out, what info i need to take etc. i just want this over with and not to drag on. H is not a proactive sort of person and relies on me heavily to do stuff for him.

so *= background is hes always been bad at money management. I felt we could never pool money as he would spend it all on going out drinking with mates. Even getting him to save for Christmas was a nightmare with me regularly having to pay for Christmas entirely for the children with him owing me money back in Jan/Feb. Going on holiday has been difficult, no holidays abroad as hes unable to save and i cant do it all on my own, so crap uk holidays have become our norm. If he can get out of paying for stuff he would happily leave it to me to pay and not offer.

in addition to the above hes just coasted in the same job for 20 years, same company. No ambition to up skill/take and different positions within the company etc.

i feel he has a drinking problem. He drinks daily, he doesn’t agree with that and says he doesn’t. Hes like a lodger in the house, does no parenting and barely any housework. Im pretty much a single parent as it is. Hes grumpy and shouty when drinking and we tip toe round him at times. Kids tolerate him but they keep asking when hes moving out.

i need to broach the financial conversation with him (what do i need to ask?), i need to also talk about childcare (i doubt either of them will want to go to him/him particularly wanting to step up to parent now except odd days out). Hes quite selfish and thinks about days out with mates/weekends away over me or kids. Wont give them lifts etc without a big showdown and it has to suit him blah blah

please help me with any advice.

personally, im happy to have kids full time, im happy to keep £30k each, both keep own pensions. Id like some monetary contributions each month within reason. I want us both to be happy and move on without financially crippling each other! Is this possible?!

OP posts:
Weenurse · 19/09/2024 10:59

Sounds like you need to plan to do it all on your own.
It doesn’t sound like he will be keen to have DC much.
Hopefully there will be better advice offered by others

Howdull · 19/09/2024 11:01

personally, im happy to have kids full time, im happy to keep £30k each, both keep own pensions. Id like some monetary contributions each month within reason. I want us both to be happy and move on without financially crippling each other! Is this possible?!

Make the offer to him, and then you'll know.

Howdull · 19/09/2024 11:05

Represent yourself and go straight to court for a financial hearing. The judge will be fair, your ex won't.

Or

spend 2 or 3 years and £6k-£10k too-ing and fro-ing with solicitors and getting nowhere, only to end up in court for a financial hearing anyway because he won't agree to anything

Mrsttcno1 · 19/09/2024 11:05

Anything is possible, if you can both agree.

Given that you’ve had separate finances it does make things a bit easier.

The only monthly money you would get from him would be child maintenance, go through CMS for that figure, but outside of that he won’t have to give you anything each month once divorced.

Any potential future inheritance is irrelevant as he doesn’t have that now and nobody knows what may happen, if a parent ends up needing care home etc that could disappear very quickly.

You can always propose you have kids full time, he will have to pay CMS, each keep own pension, each keep own savings, see what he says.

Original poster
DivorcingMomma · 19/09/2024 11:06

Howdull · 19/09/2024 11:01

personally, im happy to have kids full time, im happy to keep £30k each, both keep own pensions. Id like some monetary contributions each month within reason. I want us both to be happy and move on without financially crippling each other! Is this possible?!

Make the offer to him, and then you'll know.

i have said this to him from the start. Straight split down the middle. Something i read on here, a post from the other day said the court didnt allow it because one persons pension was more than the other. How can they say no if the parties involved say they agree to it?

OP posts:
Original poster
DivorcingMomma · 19/09/2024 11:08

representing myself sounds scary! How do you even start on that?

OP posts:
Howdull · 19/09/2024 11:09

DivorcingMomma · 19/09/2024 11:08

representing myself sounds scary! How do you even start on that?

Tons of info out there, facebook groups etc and The Wikidivorce website is really useful too. It's even easier if there is no property involved.

Mrsttcno1 · 19/09/2024 11:09

DivorcingMomma · 19/09/2024 11:06

i have said this to him from the start. Straight split down the middle. Something i read on here, a post from the other day said the court didnt allow it because one persons pension was more than the other. How can they say no if the parties involved say they agree to it?

Show quote history

It’s about both people having a fair settlement and having had legal advice to consider the options and consequences of the decisions really.

Original poster
DivorcingMomma · 19/09/2024 11:13

So if we can both agree between us the childcare situation and financials, we can present that to a solicitor (we both need one - or can we use same appointment?). We can apply for this and hopefully it will be done and dusted?

OP posts:
BlackStrayCat · 19/09/2024 11:16

Leave out the (in your opinion) drinking problem/housework etc. All irrelevant. Stick to plain facts with you lawyer. Only things reported to the police or on paper are relevant.

It is about money and DCs. I would want to keep the DCs. My strong feeling is he will go for 50/50. Even if he has no intention of doing so. This is the thig you need to discuss with your lawyer. Stick to facts and figures. Avoid conjecture, a waste of time. Expensive waste of time.

Good luck. It is a whole world of pain and definitely sounds like you will have to do it all.

Mrsttcno1 · 19/09/2024 11:17

DivorcingMomma · 19/09/2024 11:13

So if we can both agree between us the childcare situation and financials, we can present that to a solicitor (we both need one - or can we use same appointment?). We can apply for this and hopefully it will be done and dusted?

A judge can still reject it if they do not believe that it is fair. This does depend on the sums of money in discussion though, if one pension is triple the other then that may not be fair, if one pension is only slightly higher than the other then that’s less of an issue.

Original poster
DivorcingMomma · 19/09/2024 11:19

ever wish you never got married 🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
BlackStrayCat · 19/09/2024 11:20

It could be fairly simple, but it never is. Sadly. Unless they want the divorce of course.

Original poster
DivorcingMomma · 19/09/2024 11:20

Nothing has been reported to the police/logged. Ive just put up and shut up 🥺

OP posts:
BlackStrayCat · 19/09/2024 11:24

So, you cannot waste money by bringing it up. He said/she said.

Best thing in divorce section I read was "your lawyer is not your (very expensive) psychotherapist. Stick to facts"

My exH said I was mentally unstable, anorexic and an alcoholic and had alienated my DC. Text book. Do not slag off your ex. No point without any proof. Everyone does it.

Original poster
DivorcingMomma · 19/09/2024 11:26

BlackStrayCat · 19/09/2024 11:24

So, you cannot waste money by bringing it up. He said/she said.

Best thing in divorce section I read was "your lawyer is not your (very expensive) psychotherapist. Stick to facts"

My exH said I was mentally unstable, anorexic and an alcoholic and had alienated my DC. Text book. Do not slag off your ex. No point without any proof. Everyone does it.

Thank you for that advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
DivorcingMomma · 19/09/2024 11:28

Mrsttcno1 · 19/09/2024 11:17

A judge can still reject it if they do not believe that it is fair. This does depend on the sums of money in discussion though, if one pension is triple the other then that may not be fair, if one pension is only slightly higher than the other then that’s less of an issue.

Show quote history

I have a feeling my pensions will be higher than his because hes not taken his seriously and put the bare minimum in vs me who’s sacrificed salary to build my pots. Infuriating especially whilst hes pissing his money up the wall daily 😤

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 19/09/2024 11:33

You can do nearly everything yourself but it is best for the financial statement to be written up in "legal" speak otherwise the judge could throw it out for that alone.

Get Form E downloaded from gov.uk website and you each fill one in and add the evidence (bank statements, cetv, wage slips etc). Then you exchange them, he gets your copy and you get his. Once you are aware of the other person's finances and still agree with the split then D81 will have to be filled in and presented to court. If you do all the groundwork you will just need a solicitor to check over your d81 and send it on your behalf. Judges prefer/insist(?) if both parties have sought legal advice on the financial consent before sealing it.

EDIT - agree with pp. Stick to facts. Why pay someone £250 to listen to you ranting H is a twat. They already know your views otherwise you wouldn't be wanting a divorce.

Original poster
DivorcingMomma · 19/09/2024 11:59

Thanks for your advice. Im going to read up on all this to gain a better understanding 😫

OP posts:
DadJoke · 19/09/2024 12:08

DivorcingMomma · 19/09/2024 11:13

So if we can both agree between us the childcare situation and financials, we can present that to a solicitor (we both need one - or can we use same appointment?). We can apply for this and hopefully it will be done and dusted?

That’s how it worked for me. If you can agree a split the court is unlikely to reject it.

millymollymoomoo · 19/09/2024 14:53

We agreed to split house 50;50 and not touch our own pensions/savings etc

went through ok
we both worked ft, similar salaries. Di t know if one pension higher or not but based on type expected similar

we didn’t have to provide stuff or evidence etc

Original poster
DivorcingMomma · 19/09/2024 15:19

millymollymoomoo · 19/09/2024 14:53

We agreed to split house 50;50 and not touch our own pensions/savings etc

went through ok
we both worked ft, similar salaries. Di t know if one pension higher or not but based on type expected similar

we didn’t have to provide stuff or evidence etc

Oh thats interesting. Thank you for that advice

OP posts:
grumpyoldeyeore · 19/09/2024 19:21

Having a similar exH the financial incompetence and selfishness won't count. The court view will be you stayed so accepted his flaws (galling I know especially when children can make it hard to leave earlier). Courts dont want to unpick peoples marriages. The assets are small. You can argue keeping own pensions if not big difference on basis he can use his bonuses to top up his pension in future and your needs / outgoings are greater as you will be housing the children. In theory you could go after his £30k savings and argue you need all of this to buy a house for the children and could use this to bargain on pension. If you are taking on all childcare that also limits your future earnings (although once they are secondary age this has less weight). You could make an open offer on basis you have described and then sometimes they can be cost consequences further down the line if he doesnt accept that and fails to beat it later on. This is guidance issued by judges: https://www.judiciary.uk/wp-content/uploads/2023/06/1.-Sorting-Out-Finances-on-Divorce-2024.final-for-publication.pdf Advicenow also has useful guides www.advicenow.org.uk/divorce-and-separation or you can buy books on DIY divorce. If he wont move out then as you are renting I guess you can force the issue and move out yourself with dc if you can get off the tenancy or end it. You wont be able to make him do childcare. He can make you provide access to the younger dc but you can't make him spend time with them. Depending on your salary you might get some benefits with 2 children. The older dc's views about contact will be taken into account - the court doesnt usually get involved over 16 unless the child is disabled etc. He might want the DC just to reduce CM (my ex was like this).

https://www.judiciary.uk/wp-content/uploads/2023/06/1.-Sorting-Out-Finances-on-Divorce-2024.final-for-publication.pdf

LovelyKu · 17/01/2025 06:12

Hi, have you considered asking him to get counselling individually and both together. The issues you mentioned seem reconcillable imo. And maybe start from there before going ahead with divorce?

trailblazer42 · 17/01/2025 07:53

LovelyKu · 17/01/2025 06:12

Hi, have you considered asking him to get counselling individually and both together. The issues you mentioned seem reconcillable imo. And maybe start from there before going ahead with divorce?

@LovelyKu Please stop posting on threads suggesting reconciliation when you know nothing of the situation and the OP isn’t asking for advice on that topic. You seem very keen we all consider this…many of us will have spent years doing so and have finally moved beyond this.