I've asked to leave... now what?

[Brighton2019]

Hi. 2 weeks ago my partner of 18 years told me that he had been 'seeing' someone else for the past 6 months. I'd had a little bit of a suspicion but to have it confirmed was quite a shock.
Anyway we've been living together (him on the sofa) to try and keep our two children's lives stable. However we argued this morning and I have suggested he find somewhere else to stay for a while to give me some breathing space. He has agreed to try and find somewhere.
I just don't know what to do next - any ideas, points in the right direction, next steps would be very much appreciated x

Will depend on whether he has family close by he can stay with or whether need to rent - and if so can you both afford two lots of housing costs while you sort out.

whats your housing situation now? do you jointly own? Will you sell?

do you want to try to reconcile ? Does he? Will you be separating permanently?

what will the arrangements be for access to his children ?

It all depends on if you want him back providing he changes/counselling or whether it really is over. Give yourself at least a week breathing space to work out what you want going forwards.

In the meantime start looking at your finances for rent, bills, food etc and make sure he pays his share for the children at least. Also check the benefits calculator to see if you can get anything if you decide to permanently split as it's usually down to money that makes women accept shite relationships.

EDIT - actually you didn't say whether he's still seeing her or whether he wants to stay with you, or anything in between.

This is where the practical comes into conflict with your emotional needs. For many people separation is a barely affordable for luxury. If you are lucky there is a relative or friend who can put you up. Even that might be temporary. Not all parents, family members or friends want another adult living with them beyond the short term. Especially if children need to be accommodated as well.

Most adults will want a place of their own where they can spend time with their children. That’s where the finances get stretched. If he is paying for even a small property he might not be able to support your living costs and you will need to cover these yourself.

you can claim for child support and UC. They will paid from the point you submit the claim. You may have to start making long term and definitive decisions.

His family are abroad so unless he moves back, he doesn't really have anywhere to go, which is why we have been living in the same house for 2 weeks. He would need to rent some where for the time being I think.
Currently we are 3 years into a 5 year fixed rate on my family home. I am not adverse to selling and told him this but I would like to get more of the mortgage paid off before we sell if I can. I guess it depends on how he is going to be.
There have been ongoing issues for a while now- he told me back in January he feared he was becoming a functional alcoholic which I tried to support him through. But this comes after years of being neglected where his work and his going to the pub has always come first. I went back to work full time nearly 3 years ago and last year was the first year he tool time off for the school holidays - I have usually made it work (and paid for) with clubs and wfh. Thankfully my work is very flexible. I don't think I can get over the fact that he went out and spent time and money on someone else whilst I was at home, skint and running myself ragged looking after the kids, house etc. It makes me feel physically sick that he thought so little of me/ our family - so don't think we could reconcile 😢

Thanks for your message.
When we spoke a couple of weeks ago, he was adamant that nothing/ he would change - I know he wouldn't go to therapy as he doesn't see that it would help raking over the past (not my view)
He has told me he isn't seeing her anymore and he finished it back in August but I don't know if I believe that.
I will definitely take a look and see what benefits are available to me and cms.

Can you afford to pay rent and bills as well as current home and bills?
are you married ( think not?) if not do you own as joint tenants ? Weigh up cost of early redemption vs cost of him having to rent elsewhere.

it’s not nice but if you’re done you may as well start the ball rolling and sorting out where you’ll both live and what arrangements there will be for the child(ren) to spend time with both parents.

Practically the Gov uk website https://www.gov.uk/separation-divorce has basic info. Do a financial audit. Moneysavingexpert is good. Open a separate bank account for your income. Advise him to do the same. Then close the joint account. You can freeze the joint account if you think he will empty it or you can withdraw 50%. You want to make sure any overdraft facility is closed. Ditto credit cards you need to make sure he cant get credit in your name. If you have savings again these need to be protected. Use child maintenance and benefit calculators. You may be entitled to UC as a single parent. If his earnings are unreliable dont rely on child maintenance. My ex was unemployed and then worked parttime to avoid this. You will be able to get council tax reduction as single person. Work though bills using moneysavingexpert or other switch sites to see if you are on cheapest deal. Cancel any unnecessary subscriptions like sports tv packages, magazines etc. Pick a bank account with good saving rate and cashback etc every penny counts. If money is tight and you will have a spare room (or can create one) you could think about a lodger. If you are living separately within the home you can both apply for UC now. It will take about 6 weeks. Make sure the child benefit is in your name and paid to your sole account if the dc are going to stay with you. Reach out to family, friends you will be surprised where help comes from. A parent at school who had been through divorce helped me out more than anyone eg sharing after school and holiday care. Does he have money for a months rent and deposit? Will references be an issue? I found concentrating on the practical and give yourself time to process the emotional. Think carefully about how you tell the children, it sort of blew up for me and we were all caught offguard but my children tell me they remember exactly what was said so having a plan in place (even if you need to help financially with him renting) where they will see Dad and when will make things easier for dc. You may find financially you manage better as money isnt disappearing and you have full control. That was my experience.

Do you both own the home or just you?