Hi there I was wondering if anybody could give me some advice .
Basically me and my partner have separated , well we havnt spoken since May . We are living together and was together for 14 years . I was adamant i wanted to break up with him but now im not so sure . Things havnt been good with us for a long time . There’s many issues , we havnt had sex for nearly 5 years , this is because he hasn’t tried to nor wanted to . I think it’s because he no longer finds me attractive. I suffer massively with my mental health I was sectioned last year for 7 weeks because I tried to jump off a bridge . Before that I had a gambling addiction for 5 years . I also went through a phase of drinking too much wine for a couple of years . This year I was diagnosed with cancer and I have just spent 3 weeks in a cancer hospital . I didn’t see him or speak to him during these 3 weeks but last week or so I have been having massive doubts whether I really want the separation. He really was the love of my life when we got together and all I could want right now is a cuddle from him . I have realised that I have been an absolute nightmare to be with these last few years , I have been awful to him but he hasn’t been great with me either . He hides his phone and takes it everywhere with him even to toilet , he sleeps with it sometimes in his pocket but he was adamant he wasn’t hiding anything . He isn’t very supportive of my mental health to the point where when I tried to commit suicide I told him where I was going and he said ‘cya’. He doesn’t kiss or touch me and he always puts others needs before mine especially his mums who lives next door . But I miss him so much and I can’t stop crying over it . I’ve never felt like I was good enough for him and he has never wanted to get married but I know that when he meets somebody else I know he will probably get married . My heart is broken but I think it’s too late and on the other hand because of how I’ve been I don’t deserve him but he deserves to be happy . Please be gentle with me because I’m very fragile at moment but any feedback or advice will be greatly appreciated