PR and lives with order

[Zoopymoopy]

Both of us have PR and I have lives with order, he sees daughter two times a month. I wanted some advice about being kept in the know by school when other parent contacts them about coming to pick up child from school. Daughters dad is due to pick her up from school, I was going to meet him so we can go in together etc. on a phone conversation with our 4 year old he says “I called your headteacher and she said I can come and collect you without any ID”, this obviously got my attention and when I asked for more details, he said “headteacher called him back and said because you have PR you can come and collect her”, which I’m ok with because I agreed to meet him,I’m just a tad startled as to why the school wouldn’t let me know of this conversation? To be honest I would have appreciated a heads up from him but can’t depend on him to tell me these things. I’m not sure fully what PR involves apart from the most common things, and when I filled out her school application I sent through the CAO and asked that if anyone apart from me wants to pick up my daughter, to please let me know, the reason I asked was even though dad and I are on good terms now, I’m worried that he could just pick up and collect her without my knowledge and take her somewhere without my permission which would go against CAO. Previously he has done some not so nice things where he has made “threats” and as a mum, I worry what if. Please can I get some advise on how I should speak with the school to kindly let me know if outside of the agreed times she is with her dad, for them to let me know. She lives with me and I make all arrangements for her childcare etc, he’s a good dad and he can only see her twice a month( his decision) and one of those days he will pick her up from school going forward.
thank you

Why do you expect to meet him there. He has PR he’s her dad, he should be able to collect her

Is there a court order in place for your current contact arrangements, OP?

I’ll just add that this is the hard part, really hard part where we have no choice but to step back and trust the process. If he’s a good dad, a safe dad, and you trust him with DD, I’d really focus on that and trust that everyone and everything will be ok.

And you have a lives with - so if he did keep her longer, she would be returned to you

@millymollymoomoo he’s never been to the school, I have to drop her weekend bag and introduce him to the teachers who only know me!

@SerenityNowInsanityLater The CAO states that he only collects her on agreed dates, my point is, the school don’t know these dates but they know of the CAO, so I’m confused as to why they wouldn’t have contacted me to check first, it’s not the biggest thing, but it worries me

@SerenityNowInsanityLater completely agree, my mind goes to scenarios where if I went to pick her up as normal to find she isn’t there etc.. a fear of mine based on previously said things.

Give the school a photocopy of that order. They need to adhere to it. And you specify that this is court ordered. They do NOT hand over DD to dad on ANY days other than the ones listed in the court order.

Are these overnight visits?

How old is dd?

The school are correct in so much as when a parent has PR they cannot stop the parent collecting the child. Whether that applies on this case depends on the wording of the court order. If it states he cam only collect her on the first Thursday of months starting with J then they cannot release her to him at any other time.

You need to arrange a meeting with thw safeguarding lead and take a copy of the court order with you, they need to have it on file and brief it out to all staff.

If she is primary, do they have a password process? In my area all schools require a password to be given by any adult collecting the child that is not the normally appointed person. Dd's primary wouldn't release her to my mum, even though dd could explain exactly who she was, without the password.

@SerenityNowInsanityLater they have the CAO when I applied for her place in school, that’s why I am confused. The dates are not on the CAO as the court left for us to decide between us, so I would have expected to be asked what they are , I wasn’t prepared for it and I was planning to speak with them on Friday.

I’m being a bit old fashioned forgive me. They tend to email across court orders now. They did this when I removed PR from dad and I had to print out a hard copy for the school office. I also emailed one across to the safeguarding lead. We never had to meet, just coordinated everything via email.

BlueCrab’s advice is solid. Meet with safeguarding (in my case, dad’s not around and he’s not about to be so, a sit down meeting wasn’t necessary however, in your case, it’s a good idea). Have those printouts of the court order ready.

I am a school governor so can help you word emails etc if you would like. Feel free to dm me

Ah ok. Go straight to safeguarding. In my own case, I learned that the safeguard lead talks to the admin and teachers working with your DD and sort of gets everyone singing from the same hymn sheet. Can you email the school’s safeguarding lead (is their email on the website?) and get the ball rolling on meeting?

@SerenityNowInsanityLater yes, two nights and he brings her back

Also… remember to keep them updated every September, even if nothing changes just remind them there’s a court ordered arrangement in place. Staff members move on and new staff join. For example, just recently, our safeguard lead left, as well as our front desk administrator. New people need updating and the old team needs reminding… a lot!

In this case it’s totally reasonable to ask him to text you once during the first evening and again when he’s returning her home. I gather he’s not great at texting. Or he may consider it controlling. 🙄 They always do. Even though all it’s about is you, mum, making sure your little one is safe and sound, because she’s 4 right? And she is so young. Of course you worry. It’s totally normal.

So two texts is enough of an ask of him without it being seen as ‘controlling’.

@SerenityNowInsanityLater i will find out what their email is and contact them. I just want them to be aware. It’s been just me and her, and the setup with her dad for nearly 3 years now and I feel it’s my responsibility to know where she is at all times and would be so hurt if something happened that made me feel my position wasn’t understood. Sorry for the rant

@SerenityNowInsanityLater hes actually ok with me contacting her when she’s with him, I do get hounded if she falls asleep on the days he is meant to call her, even when I say she is tired and fell asleep lol, I then get the whole “I allow you to text her and talk to her when she’s with me etc”. We are amicable and I don’t doubt his love for her, but there is no love lost between us

You appear totally controlling