Ex allows my daughter to be abusive

[Sweetieone]

Hi everyone

I’m sure this isn’t uncommon but I’m really struggling and feel totally alone and I’m struggling to cope.

my almost 17 year old daughter who is a delight when she’s getting what she wants but awful and rude and hounds me when she doesn’t often kicks off and is abusive to me.

Now she wants to have a “small” 17th birthday party in our home for 30 teenagers. I really don’t want it and agreed to maybe having 10 friends over (they’re more acquaintances than actual friends.. like most, she just has a few close friends) but she’s saying now that I said yes to a party and 10 is “a puss take”, when I say no, she blocks the door so I can’t leave and keeps asking what I expect her to do?! That I don’t “want” I pay for everyone to go to dinner because I’m always pretending to be poor and that I need to find a suitable alternative. Last night she called her dad after I’d said no yet again, and his response in speakerphone was “what’s the problem with her having 30 people over, that her friends are nice and that I’m being difficult. After that she proceeded to scream at me repeatedly calling me a fucking bitch, a fucking cow and every name I see the sun. Telling him I just always fuck off when we’re talking about (I don’t, she’s shouting at me and I walk away or I get tired of being hounded). Her dad was on the phone and not once called her out on her language or behaviour but instead asked what I suggested she should do now that I’ve stopped her having a party. This is just one example of him just letting her speak to me this way and undermining me and I just don’t know what to do. I left sobbing with her laughing at the fact that “oh now she’s crying”.

I don’t have anyone I can talk to, I don’t have any support from a partner and I don’t have any living family. I feel bullied and like I’ve taken a kicking. I often end up spending time locked in my room to avoid my daughters horrible treatment.. If I speak to my ex he just says why should I expect his support. I think him allowing it just compounds that it’s okay and for her to have zero respect for me. She’s sweetness and light when people visit or she’s around family on her dads side..

Can anyone advise. Sorry for the rant.

This really is not common.

Maybe she should go and live with her dad if he thinks her behaviour is so great. The way she is treating you in not normal in anyway, teenagers can be a bit rude but not like that. You don’t deserve to live with someone that you are scared of

She sounds absolutely horrible and heartless. Stick to your guns. If she wants a party of 30 friends and her dad thinks it shouldn’t be an issue, he can host it

Party can happen at dads. To be honest I’d help her move out.

I think she should go and live with her dad and have this party at his house.

Yeah. She needs to move out to her Dad's now.

Dad can host the party then, put his money where his mouth is.

There is nothing normal about this at all. If DD swore at me once she'd be apologetic and stop expecting a party, same as I never treated my mum like this. It's not normal at all and you should explain this to her calmly another time, when emotions are not high, so she doesn't go forth and treat flatmates and boyfriends like this.

I was a pretty awful teenage girl but I would never have called my mum a fucking bitch for refusing to let me have a house party-this is extreme!

Yep

If her dad is so fantastic she can go live with him and have the party there. The way she treats you isn't normal at all, she sounds vile

I agree, this behaviour crosses a line and a 17 year old should definitely know better.

No party, not even for 10 people. If her Dad thinks a party for 30 is a good idea then he can host and pay for it

You poor love. You don't deserve this.

I agree with everyone else. Tell your dd that since she has been so rude to you, there will be no party, but she's welcome to go to her dad's and have it there.

I'd insist she moves to her dad/'s too, to show that actions have consequences.

Your ex is a total dick too. I'm sorry.

Same. And if I had done I would have absolutely known about it.

I suggested that if he thinks it’s okay, she could have it at his place but she called me retarded and am I fucking stupid. He lives in a smallish two bedroom flat, we’re in a maisonette with no upstairs neighbours at present.

I often end up spending time locked in my room to avoid my daughters horrible treatment

Send her to her Dad's. Seriously OP. You can't live like this.

The party discussion would be off the table if i was getting treated like that, whether it's 10 or 30.....not happening.

Your daughters behaviour is disgraceful and if dad thinks it's acceptable them maybe she should go live with him......or she changes her ways if she wants to live with you.

OP if this was a partner or Husband doing this it would be classed as DA Coercive Control and mental, emotional and psychological abuse.

All of the above behaviours constitute abuse. People often just associate it with Partners/Husbands, but it can be anyone in family or life.

You don't have to put up with this treatment and behaviour. Yes it's being compounded by her Dad not pulling her up. He's got a lot to say about this party.

So tell her to go and live with her Dad, and have her friends and parties at his house. He'll soon change his tune, and he can put up with her abuse.

My cousin, a single mother at the time, had a very similar problem with her unemployed teenage daughter, who was refusing to get a job and happy to live at home. All my cousin's reasonable attempts to resolve the issues and improve the girl's behaviour (and foul language) failed. The crunch came when she found herself in tears and pleading with her daughter, and fearful her threats of violence would actually happen. She realised her daughter had zero respect for her and basically she was being taken for a mug, and finally told friends and family the true situation (many had already realised there was something very wrong).

Long story very short, the daughter came home one day to find her belongings in three suitcases with the telephone numbers of the local housing office and Social Services written on a luggage tag tied to one of the cases. It was tough love, and definitely not recommended, but the girl eventually came good in her 20s.

Well he’s counter parenting and there isn’t anything you can do to change that. Withdraw the offer of a party for 10. Tbh, if you allow 10 she will invite 30 and it you allow 30 she will invite 100.

I don't think the major issue here is the party, it's that this dynamic exists. It's not ok for her to talk to you this way. I would recommend GP discussion for you for referral and Google parental abuse.

Boot her out OP. The nasty little madam can go and live with her dad. Time to assert yourself here. If she kicks off then ring police. She's of an age now to take criminal responsibility for her violent abusive behaviour. Pack up her stuff and leave in bin bags in the garden or outside the front door or dump it outside your exes flat. Texr her that she no longer lives with you owing to her abusive behaviour. She can stand on her own feet now. Time to start putting yourself first.

What do you do when she calls you retarded, bitch, and tells you to fuck off?

Well I’d be saying ( and sticking to) no party at all now based on her behaviour so she’s own that

and I agree others - tell her she’s welcome to go live with dad if you’re such a fucking bitch

in all serious you must stand your ground and assert yourself here

Throw her out to go to her dads. Pack her stuff and drop it at his house. She can go there.
stop allowing yourself to be bullied by both of them.
I would say “ yeah I’m a fucking retard, and your going to your dads “ end of . It’s not a negotiation! Send her to his house