hi all.
so i posted a thread a short while back about feeling very lost in my marriage, for context over the past few years there has been increasing distance between me and my wife, our parenting approach is very different and we have increased discord, there is ongoing tension between us and realistically i dont think we have any form of relationship, even before getting married i had doubts but ignored them, we have two children who i utterly adore and i am active in both parenting and household jobs, its pretty much a dead split for the general life admin, but i feel i do more in terms of hands on parenting and the play time things.
since the last post ive spent a lot of time soul searching and speaking with close, trusted, friends and i feel that i cannot sustain such an unhappy marriage, it came close to us breaking up a few years ago but i couldnt do that to my kids, then about 2 and 4, theyre now 7 and 4 (5 in november) and for the past few years i tried so hard to change to be exactly the person my wife wanted me to be. we havent had an affectionate relationship for a long time, it was an issue for me, so i tried to change that in myself, cultivate a more affectionate dynamic by being more affectionate, things like that. it was gratefully received but never reciprocated. fast forward to today and ive pretty much given up on that and we have 0 intimacy in our marriage.
the thing thats done it for me really is when my 7 year old commented on how much we argue and asked "why did you even get married" when me and her were chatting, she sees her mum as quite angry but i think thats my influence that annoys her. theres no abuse and no major issues like that, but we just seem so incompatible.
i dont enjoy her company, on rare times where we haven't got the kids around i dont enjoy doing things with her and she never wants to go out or do anything.
to cut a long story short, i feel acutely aware that im only with my wife right now because of our children, there is no love between us, she wont discuss things like this, shed rather not, but i honestly think if she was to be open and honest she feels the same. the thought of leaving them (though i would 100% be a 50/50 split, id want them with me all the time, so the onyl reason id settle for 50/50 is because thats the only fair way) breaks my heart! i wouldn't live far away and id do everything i could to keep a healthy relationship with my wife if i could. but i get images of dropping them off, hugging them and knowing i wont really see them for a few days etc. and when i think of it it just kills me!
sorry i know this is a long post, but im hoping to see if other people have had this experience and if theres any insight or guidance i can gleam about what they experienced and how to cope.
P.S. im aware of my flaws as a human and as a parent, im hoping for peoples experiences and advice, not abuse about being a terrible human.