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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Tell me how to do this…

14 replies

mrsconradfisher · 16/09/2024 21:05

Been married to DH for 20 years, together for over 25 years. Have 2 DS, 1 is 19 and starting Uni next week and the other is 14.

Our marriage has been over for years. He worked abroad for many years and I know he was with someone else over there(I have proof) but I took him back as quite honestly I didn’t know what else to do.

I just cannot do it anymore. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than this unhappy. He is emotionally abusive, tells me on a daily basis that I am fat, lazy, stupid and useless. He has 2 personality’s, one which he shows everyone else and one at home. To everyone else he is this charismatic, charming guy who everyone loves then to me (and to a lesser extent my boys) he is horrible.

He is a very high earner, earns over £135k. Constantly refers to himself as the bank…his line is “I just pay for everything”. I’m a TA, take home £1200 a month, so to a certain extent he does pay for everything-the mortgage and all the bills. I pay for all school clothes, normal clothes (clearly not for older one now), phone bills, everything for school, trainers, school supplies and general day to day stuff that we need like medicines, transport etc. My younger son is a very talented footballer so I drive a lot of miles, I pay for all the petrol which is around £100 a week plus all his kit etc.
We have around £100k in savings ( in his name) but our house is literally falling apart as he won’t allow me to use any of it.
DS1 is starting Uni next week, I’ve bought everything he needs as DH won’t.

I’ve done some calculations and I think I might just be able to get by if I found a 1 bedroom rented flat (that’s if I can find one locally). DS2 will have to stay here with him. Might not be able to furnish it or eat but at least I will be out of this hell.

Or do I just hold on until DS has finished school?

And how do I pay for a solicitor? Although we have that money in savings I have no access to it.

OP posts:
tothelefttotheleft · 16/09/2024 21:10

You can do this. You are so right that you will be much happier without him.

I divorced 20 years ago so others will know more about divorce than me.

Won't you get equity from the house? Half his pensions etc

tothelefttotheleft · 16/09/2024 21:12

Even in a one bed flat your ds could have the bedroom and you could sleep in the lounge. Don't leave him with the ex.

millymollymoomoo · 16/09/2024 21:14

File for divorce
work on financial settlement
long marriage- you’ll be entitled to a good share which will include the house equity, savings and pensions and most likely be at least 50% of everything

short term you stay put and work to get this outcome rather than waste money on rent,

OilLamp · 16/09/2024 21:16

You will be able to claim UC once you have moved out. As a single person you can claim even when you earn upto £50,000 per year. You can contact citizens advice who will do an accurate benefits calculation.

Original poster
mrsconradfisher · 16/09/2024 21:21

millymollymoomoo · 16/09/2024 21:14

File for divorce
work on financial settlement
long marriage- you’ll be entitled to a good share which will include the house equity, savings and pensions and most likely be at least 50% of everything

short term you stay put and work to get this outcome rather than waste money on rent,

But how can I do that when I cannot afford to pay for a solicitor?

He said he will make sure I get nothing. I know that’s all just words but I just cannot cope with living with him whilst he is spouting this at me 24 hours a day. Every single minute of the day, it’s emotional abuse. He’s called me crazy for years, I know I’m not the crazy one.

I don’t want DS2’s life to change. I would rather him be in our house than in a grotty flat somewhere.

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 16/09/2024 21:37

You can file yourself and self represent
many people do

or find a solicitor who will come up with a payment plan, take some advice and do most yourself with input from a solicitor

you will get 50%+ and it’s not up to him to decide. The law says otherwise

millymollymoomoo · 16/09/2024 21:38

Oh and do not move out unless you are actually in danger ! As that will help him stall and control proceedings

GruandDrew · 16/09/2024 22:52

File for divorce. He has to buy you out or you sell the house and you'll get at least 50%. Half the savings are yours.

You can get free 30 mins of advice from mnay solicitors. Ask them about payment plan. Tell them his salary, savings etc, and they should be able to advise.

I would advise getting starting the process now while you still live there. Is there a spare room you can set up as your own space?

Don't move out first and tne start the process. Start the process now and live there as long as you can bear.

I think you will want legal advice now (as I say use the 30 mins free advice or find the £300 or so for an hour of advice, read the advice pages at the top of this page). He may well try to hide his savings or something so you can need legal advice..

You absolutely will not and cannot expect to live in a tiny flat struggling to buy food. He can say what he wants but he can't escape the law. None of those assets are his, they are joint.

Userxyd · 16/09/2024 23:04

It's not his money and your money - he could earn £135k BECAUSE you were in your job, and raising the kids for him. That's why you are entitled to 50% by law.
Dont let yourself or him make you think it's his and your money.
Also your DS will miss you more than the big house if it means just him and his dad - another reason to be sure you get your half so that you and your DS can live comfortably together.
In your question of whether to stay until DS is older - how much is DH around? Have you tried arguing back and telling him his behaviour is disgusting and both his sons see through it and he'll end up alone and miserable without his family unless he treats you better etc?
It might be easier to divorce him if you get your mojo back before you start divorce proceedings. If you've lost confidence and feel crap, could you go on a health and fitness and socialising regime now to build yourself back up again and then when you feel like a warrior again then file for divorce? At the moment feeling crushed and desperate for a way out he might be able to rip you off and this is the rest of your life ahead and a key time in your DS life so you will need to be strong to get through it and fight for the best outcome for you both.

millymollymoomoo · 17/09/2024 06:49

Not necessarily true about only being able to earn £135j because of op!
However her contributions to the family are considered equal and hence assets joint.

Ilovegoldies · 17/09/2024 06:51

Take a copy of the savings as that 100k might mysteriously disappear.

Doggymummar · 17/09/2024 06:52

I had no money when I divorced last time,, the solicitor put a charge on the house and the fees were paid from proceeds of the sale. Don't let lack of money stop you.

teenmaw · 17/09/2024 07:06

You will be so much better off than you think. You'll get half the savings, half the house, half his pension etc AND he will be hundreds of pounds a month on child maintenance if you have ds most of the time. He's made you believe you'll be destitute to scare you. Speak to a solicitor, you can do this and be happy!!

teenmaw · 17/09/2024 07:06

You'll also get universal credit top ups on those wages!

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