Need advice… childcare!

[Yogazmum]

My STBEXDH has moved out to his mums. He told me 3 months ago he wanted a divorce as it turned out he was having an affair.
I received his Form E on Friday with his bank statements and obviously the paper trail helped me put the pieces of the jigsaw together. He’s spent over £3’000 on the affair that I can see. (We have separate bank accounts and one joint for the bills/mortgage etc)
i contacted him on Friday and asked him not to return to the family home that night & to go to his mums.
He came to see our child on Saturday and took him out on Sunday for a few hours and we were supposed to discuss childcare as I work shifts so need cover overnight and now he’s not here, i obviously need help.
His mum helped us massively and stayed here for the few days a month I worked (I’m part time to cover his job) but he’s turned her against me as he’s told her I’ve kicked him out!
She won’t answer the phone to me or reply to my messages.
What do I do?
Do I need a court order to get him to parent when I’m working/away?
He’s obstructing me from working!
I’m so stressed out about this.
I can’t afford to lose my job.
I’ve got cover for Thursday night as my poorly mum can come over but that’s it! I’m away until Saturday morning!!!
Any advise?

A court order won’t force him to have the children.
so, unfortunately you’ll need to arrange more dependable childcare most likely

in the short term are their friends who could help out if needed?

can you try to speak to ex rationally about it?

you’ll also need to think about looking for full time work now

btw legally he doesn’t have to move out if you have joint home, especially if you still expect him to pay the bills and mortgage.

Sorry but no crt can order him to take care of his children you either need to get a nanny or a different job.
I know that this isn't what you want to hear and it's really shit that men can abandon their dc and wife however the law allows them to.
All you can do is put a claim into the cms as as the resident parent with him having zero overnights and apply for a larger financial split in your favourdue to his lack of caring responsibilities.
If you think that a large sum of money coming out of his account every month and the odds of him getting much less than a 50/50 split of assets will motivate him to be an active parent then it might be worth telling him what you plan on doing if he doesn't, otherwise speak to your employer about swapping to day shifts. If that isn't possible then you need to quit and find a different job. You should put a claim in for UC and cms ASAP no matter what he says or does anyway

Court can't make him parent, he can walk away completely if he wants. Court orders are about when each parent has to have the kids available for the other parent to see, there's no way of forcing them to parent for that time even if they wanted it. Even if he wasn't twisting things to his mum it's unlikely she'd be doing childcare. Most of the time unless the break up is very amicable people lose whatever positive relationship they had with the in laws. You're no longer together so he doesn't have to consider you or your job at all in this. You can talk to him if he might listen. You could offer to let him move back in in return for childcare. You could tell him it's going to cost him a lot in maintenance if he doesn't do his share of parenting and see if he steps up.

I hadn’t kicked him out. I had asked him to go to his mums for one night as I was so angry at the betrayal and the amount of money he had spent.

He had agreed that he would come here to help with overnight childcare or his mum would help He has said he wants so see our child as much as possible and do childcare when he can but obviously now he’s out of the house, he’s changed his tune and is saying I’ve kicked him out 🙄 He knows he can legally stay here. He’s preached that one from the minute he moved into the spare bedroom 3 months ago.

I’m waiting for a letter from his solicitor as he’s changing the direct debit into the joint account to just cover half of the mortgage and bills apparently.
I know he can do this and that’s fine. I can cover the other half. I’ve said he needs to ensure our child’s needs are met financially as well which he said will all be covered in the solicitors letter.

But he’s screwed me over with childcare!
i work part time as his job is shift work as well.
He couldn’t do his job if I went full time so how does it work?

You will need to find paid childcare, or change your job unfortunately. No court can make him look after his children to facilitate your work, just like they can't make you change your job to a daytime hours one to facilitate his. Accept that he is not going to help you and look for ways to help yourself. Consider a nanny or au pair for overnight care, or look for alternative employment in daytime hours and use a nursery/CM. Look to go full time as soon as you can as you will need this income now.

Claim cms. Accept neither him or his dm give a shiney shit about how you manage to work.

When you go to court for the divorce, if 50/50 custody is granted he will need to sort childcare for his shifts, and you yours. Don't help him out and say you will do it if its your day off, that will set a precedence that you will be at his beck and call. Leave him to sort it and just focus on yourself now, arranging reliable childcare and increasing your earnings.

Well long term you

agree to sort out house/ finances and access/residency

you put in claim for cms ( but this might lead him to not pay his half of bills now so you need to understand whether you’d be better or worse off)

put in claim for uc if eligible

look for full time work and paid childcare to cover this - and tax credits/help with. OSTs if applicable

in the short term youre at his mercy if you can’t arrange alternative care. It’s shit. But unless he decides to stop playing silly buggers that’s the reality. As above perhaps the threat of you going for more £& in divorce settlement might bring him to be reasonable

He's not going to be your childcare, going forward. You'll need to get something in place, or change your shifts.

It wouldn’t matter to him if you went full time or not. He can still do his job. The problem of childcare is for you to resolve.

It’s a reality that for most of us parenting post separation is dependent on the cooperation of the other parent. It’s something people come round to very quickly when the practicalities of a split emerge. Most of us cannot afford the acrimony social media armchair warriors advocate.

He has obviously taken your demand he leave the family home badly. I assume there was an argument before that when things were said. He is now reacting to that. If you now react to his reaction things will quickly spiral downwards. It is very easy to find ways to fuck with your ex in a divorce. Unfortunately your children are stuck in the middle and unfortunately all that fuckwittage costs money.

My advice is to let things settle down for a bit. Then ask for and arrange mediation. In your shoes I would reply that you accept his decision to separate and that you want to proceed with the split in a way that is amicable and causes the least disruption to the children. Ask him if he is willing to meet in a neutral place to talk about the needs of the children.

You could hit him with a child support claim. But he will then stop paying the mortgage all together. And you will both end up being worse off.

The reason people do amicable and dignified divorces is because it is best for their children. They have to get over the hurt and anger quickly because they can’t afford it for their sake.