Ex blackmailing me with videos

Boboobear · 2024-09-13T16:17:01+00:00

Sorry about the long post. I separated from my ex nearly 2 years ago. It was a terrible time for me as he was sleeping with someone else who lived around the corner from us, he made my life a misery by flaunting his new supply on fb and posting vicious lies about me on social media. Before the split I thought we were happy and I had always been loyal to him, I just loved family life. We have 3 children. He has been vile throughout and even in the early stages when I was rock bottom, he would send me text messages that were meant for his gf with an ‘oops, sorry, wrong person’ I really felt like I was going mad and spoke to my doctor who put me on medication. The house we lived in was his and he would come and collect the children ( when it suited him) and told me I had to leave his house as he wanted it back. I wasn’t myself at the time and screamed at him saying I would burn it down before I gave it back to him, something I would never do but I was so emotionally drained and not myself. Unbeknown to me, he was filming me when I was at my worst! Yes, he’s that disgusting! Fast forward 2 years, I am in a much better place mentally and eventually moved out of his house and got my own place. His taunting though is still ongoing! I told him he needs set days to have the children and not demand them when it suits him and he has to do his share of the weekends as I work and told him if we couldn’t come to an agreement we would have to go to court. Now hes saying that I shouldn’t take it to court as he will show the videos of me to prove that I was unstable and threatening to burn the house down. My mum said not to worry as you were on medication and not yourself but I feel like I’m still living with his control over me even though I’m back to myself and feeling much better. Any advice would be appreciated.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 13/09/2024 17:21

Married or living together ?

Original poster

Boboobear · 13/09/2024 17:32

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon . We were together for 10 years and talked about getting married In 2025. It was only after the split that I saw a nasty, spiteful narcissist.

OP posts:

LemonTT · 13/09/2024 17:48

You do need to go to court. They will agree the shared parenting arrangement. The fact that you were emotional during a breakup isn’t going to make a lot of difference. It’s how you are now that matters. Right now you are a safe parent and a safe person. A minor point but the fact that your anger was towards him isn’t relevant to how you parent your children anyway.

The court will always want parents to parent unless they are unsafe or unable. Neither of those things apply to you now.

However the court can’t compel him to have the children at times when he doesn’t want them. If you work weekends and he doesn’t want to parent every weekend then you will need to pay for childcare.

But they will expect him to parent in a regular pattern of he can.

You need to stop engaging with him and giving him opportunities to neg on you and threaten you. If you are going to court just act on this.

unsync · 13/09/2024 17:48

Recording someone on private property without their consent is generally considered to be illegal. Blackmail is also illegal. Call his bluff and report him to the Police. You need to show that you are not going to tolerate his shitty behaviour any more. Is he paying you maintenance for the children? If not, put in a CMS claim. Then take him to Court.

Andwhatfreshhellisthis · 13/09/2024 17:49

unsync · 13/09/2024 17:48

Recording someone on private property without their consent is generally considered to be illegal. Blackmail is also illegal. Call his bluff and report him to the Police. You need to show that you are not going to tolerate his shitty behaviour any more. Is he paying you maintenance for the children? If not, put in a CMS claim. Then take him to Court.

This

Mrsttcno1 · 13/09/2024 17:50

LemonTT · 13/09/2024 17:48

You do need to go to court. They will agree the shared parenting arrangement. The fact that you were emotional during a breakup isn’t going to make a lot of difference. It’s how you are now that matters. Right now you are a safe parent and a safe person. A minor point but the fact that your anger was towards him isn’t relevant to how you parent your children anyway.

The court will always want parents to parent unless they are unsafe or unable. Neither of those things apply to you now.

However the court can’t compel him to have the children at times when he doesn’t want them. If you work weekends and he doesn’t want to parent every weekend then you will need to pay for childcare.

But they will expect him to parent in a regular pattern of he can.

You need to stop engaging with him and giving him opportunities to neg on you and threaten you. If you are going to court just act on this.

100% this OP, you can’t force him to do any weekends or indeed any days if he doesn’t want to, unfortunately the system allows for him to say “no thanks” as long as he is paying CMS. So if your only reason for going to court is because you think he will be made go do weekends, he won’t.

Mrsttcno1 · 13/09/2024 17:52

unsync · 13/09/2024 17:48

Recording someone on private property without their consent is generally considered to be illegal. Blackmail is also illegal. Call his bluff and report him to the Police. You need to show that you are not going to tolerate his shitty behaviour any more. Is he paying you maintenance for the children? If not, put in a CMS claim. Then take him to Court.

This is not always the case, and there are situations in which videos & recordings, even ones taking non-consensually can be used as evidence in court.

Meadowfinch · 13/09/2024 17:53

unsync · 13/09/2024 17:48

Recording someone on private property without their consent is generally considered to be illegal. Blackmail is also illegal. Call his bluff and report him to the Police. You need to show that you are not going to tolerate his shitty behaviour any more. Is he paying you maintenance for the children? If not, put in a CMS claim. Then take him to Court.

This.

Report him to the police now. And then go to court and get a child access agreement.

Greytulips · 13/09/2024 17:53

My friend was in a similar situation - the courts sees this all the time, sec video, violence etc and it’s usually dismissed as it shown his nastiness not yours.

Go to court - get the law behind you - you’ll be more at peace than years of this horrendous behaviour.

Original poster

Boboobear · 13/09/2024 18:03

Thanks for all your messages. He doesn’t pay child maintenance and hasn’t since we split up. He’s mean and spiteful. I have tried contacting child maintenance regarding payment but they have said the amount he has to pay is zero. I know for a fact he works and drives a company van and owns a second property which he rents out bringing in a monthly rental but the cms have said he claims state benefits which he never used to. He has cleverly concocted something to avoid paying but I don’t know how he’s done it. I’m not even sure how he can claim benefits when he’s still driving a company van and working! I have written to cms and told them about this and have asked for an explanation. Still waiting for them to get back to me.

OP posts:

Verydemure · 13/09/2024 18:06

unsync · 13/09/2024 17:48

Recording someone on private property without their consent is generally considered to be illegal. Blackmail is also illegal. Call his bluff and report him to the Police. You need to show that you are not going to tolerate his shitty behaviour any more. Is he paying you maintenance for the children? If not, put in a CMS claim. Then take him to Court.

This is true. Also, this is not the movies. The family court isn’t going to watch some random clip from years ago of someone shouting years ago. No context.

from what I’ve been told by many of the people who’ve gone through it, they just ignore the swathes of ‘evidence’ they get from each side ( even worryingly when it refutes an allegation)

Don’t worry about it. You think if he had something that could get you arrested, he wouldn’t have reported you already.

bet you £50 he went to the police with it and they told him to jog on.

LaRosbif · 13/09/2024 18:07

unsync · 13/09/2024 17:48

Recording someone on private property without their consent is generally considered to be illegal. Blackmail is also illegal. Call his bluff and report him to the Police. You need to show that you are not going to tolerate his shitty behaviour any more. Is he paying you maintenance for the children? If not, put in a CMS claim. Then take him to Court.

Absolutely this.

Verydemure · 13/09/2024 18:11

But on the filming someone without their consent, it is legal to film someone in public.

for example, a van driver going to work, while claiming benefits. 😉

though I wouldn’t do that yourself. I’d put a call in to relevant gvt department to inform them of his fraud. Also HMRC.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 13/09/2024 18:12

You can report him to the Inland Revenue if he is not paying tax and claiming benefits whilst working. There is also a benefits fraud hotline who would be interested if you are correct.

DanceTheDevilBackIntoHisHole · 13/09/2024 18:19

The court will wonder why, if he thinks you're that unstable and unfit to be a parent, he hasn't bothered seeking residency if the children before now.... He can't think you're that bad

Lifesingflowers · 13/09/2024 18:35

@Boboobear you need to report it to universal credit that he's working whilst collecting benefits

TheShellBeach · 13/09/2024 18:39

Lifesingflowers · 13/09/2024 18:35

@Boboobear you need to report it to universal credit that he's working whilst collecting benefits

Good idea.
Fight fire with fire.
He sounds horrible.

buidhe · 13/09/2024 18:44

You have nothing to fear from a court, they are unlikely to admit his videos as evidence. Even if they did, they are years old and easily explained away.

I would report the benefit fraud. Be specific naming the firm he works for, his hours, where he keeps the van, how long he has worked there, his address.

As others have said, you can't force him to take his fair share of looking after the kids, but you will get an order that sets out when he can have access.which would stop him picking and choosing.