Husband wants divorce I need practical advice

[Feelingfloored]

My husband has said he wants a divorce.
Children 8 and 2
Marriage has had bad points, we’ve done counselling etc but I genuinely thought that we had turned a corner and had had a lovely summer. What an idiot.

His reason is I’m moody and negative but I think im a normal mid40s peri with young kids and a job, and a husband who does about 30% of the load max. He also says I’m negative and that I don’t support him with stuff he wants to do. Maybe I am but I thought that I was helping by pointing out issues so we can resolve them before hand (we nearly always do what he has requested just sometimes modified to cater for the children).

He has a large salary, mine good but not sufficient for the area we live. I couldn’t afford childcare, mortgage and bills let along treats or holidays or a car. Parents dead, no siblings to and no close friends (I struggle to form deep friendships) the friends I have have not divorced (yet).

He’s the kind of person who will want 50% access or more when the kids are older and he will want xmas and holidays and be able to afford to do fun stuff with them and take them away. He also has a large family with cousin my childrens age so they are bound to see him as fun parent.

It’s very early days but any advice on how I move forward and get my ducks in a row?

I’m tempted to insist on 50/50 or 60/40 custody from the off to give me chance to relax and create a life for myself. If I take most of the load still yet let him have the fun stuff my life won’t improve and I fear I will resent him being relatively free. Do you think I will regret that?

How do people afford to live when they are in an expensive area? Even the cheap places here are out of my range.
How do you stop the resentment? How do you stop the loneliness when the children aren’t here and you know they are all having fun without you? I’m cycling between shock and anger but don’t want to do things I will regret later.

Thanks for reading and sorry for the long post.

No advice OP but wandering in with a handhold as this has literally just happened to me too and am wondering the same things.

Practically speaking if the other parent isn’t willing to have the children more than x % of the time there isn’t anything you can do about it. Ideally you want to be co parenting equally if you have ft jobs. That is investing the same time and spending for your children.

As to how you can afford to live post divorce, you may need to ask for a bigger share of the marital assets in the divorce. This is because you have more need for them. But you will need to maximise your income and minimise your expenses. For many people that means working full time or claiming benefits and moving to a smaller property.

In some cases you might be able to secure a settlement that allows you to stay in the family home for a period. These arrangements ties up his share of the equity and you would be probably expected to pay the mortgage. The downside of this arrangement is obvious for him but it also has disadvantages for you in the long term. His equity will grow at your expense. Which will be the cost of staying in the family home.

Spousal support is another option but rarely awarded unless he is super rich. If you have a job it is unlikely to be an option. It also impacts on benefits which are a more secure income booster.

Emotionally, if you don’t have good friends maybe do some solo counselling. People recover from broken relationships, it’s a reality most of us go through. There will be a future and there will be a point when you realise this was the best option for all.

@LemonTT Thankyou so much for the reply and the good advice. It’s all so raw my head is spinning currently.
@MandarinSatsumaClementine so sorry to hear you are going through similar, it’s rubbish isn’t it, big hugs xx

I think you both need to try to place the children first. What does their life look like at the moment in terms of care? How many hours do you both work? How much equity, pension contributions and savings are there?

We work the same hours but he (chooses) to commute into London which adds hours to his day so he often misses mornings and evening routines. He goes out socially a lot to which means he see them less.

Very little equity, he picked the house and it wasn’t really suitable, we had to do work which used savings but the house won’t have increased by the same amount

No idea about his pension

I'd start by getting the house valued so you have the facts and a starting point. Then get a SHL, but you can let him file for divorce as he wants one, let him pay the fees for that. CMS should be decent if he's a high earner. In practice it's doubtful he'd want 50/50 as it would not fit in with his work and socialising- which has probably lead to an OW, hence the urge to cut ties and go straight to divorce rather than initial separation.

Can you afford all the bills with your wage alone? If you can (but not afford to take over the mortgage alone) i have been advised by a lender you can send 3 months of bank statements to the underwriters and they can approve your partner being taken off a joint mortgage for it to be in your sole name. Costs money, about 100, with solocitpr for the name to be removed.

This is the stance i am leaning on as I am in a similar situation and its early days.. except my partner is an abuser, so Im having to be careful with how I approach these convos.