Just so numb

[planAplanB]

Found out about the affair back in April. It was emotional, intense, they spent one night together with another planned which I intercepted.
Applied for divorce. Having to live together (he won't move out as he pays most of the bills). Two young kids.
I keep wondering if the affair actually happened. Apart from separate bedrooms, he's carrying on as normal. Not started any other paperwork yet as I've just started new job so settling in there and not had first pay check yet.
One day I wake up thinking we should just forget about the infidelity and carry on but then some days I wake up and can't wait to be apart from him.
I read on here about other cheating partners begging for a second chance, going to therapy and showing their partners their phones. Mine has done none of that. Completely brushed it under the carpet. No apologies, tears, pleads... nothing. Can anyone relate to this?
I'm very stand off-ish towards him as we go about our day to day. He's never told me he wants this to work and he's sorry. But he's making no effort with us going our separate ways. He wants to carry on in limbo land for a few years until til the house price goes up.
Why isn't he remorseful? He wonders why I get angry sometimes and I genuinely think he's forgotten what he did or is minimising it. Can anyone relate? What should I do?

I'd get out if I were you. As you said - he shows no remorse or care towards you.
I'm so sorry.

He's not remorseful because he doesn't regret being unfaithful to you and he doesn't respect you enough to even pretend to be remorseful or apologise. That is entitlement.

He appears to wonder why you get angry so that it can be your fault. He appears to have forgotten his seedy behaviour so that your reaction (still feeling hurt and anger at what he is pretending is nothing) is unreasonable. You end up being the bad one in his narrative.

He's not making any effort with forwarding the divorce because he has nothing else lined up, it suits him to carry on living with you until he either finds another shag or is forced to move.

Once the house price goes up it's bound to be something else, until he's ready to make the change, for his benefit.

One thing I will advise is not to trust anything he says, think of only yourself and your children, don't be considerate of him in your plans; his priority is him. I'm sorry you're going through this

Thank you. Feels so stagnant

This sounds like absolute hell for you. Having to live with the cheating husband without even an apology or acknowledgement of his wrongdoing or the pain and devastation it’s caused you.
I think it would send me over the edge.
My Husband had a long emotional affair and I can barely think of anything else, day in, day out.
Although he is making some effort, I don’t know in the long run if it will be “enough”.
I do know that without the effort and acknowledgement, we wouldn’t still be together trying to see if we can salvage the marriage.
Do you have family or close friends that you can talk to about this?
I really do wish you all the best.

What a rat! How arrogant. Do your children know?

Hope you can separate asap.

My ex begged and pleaded and eventually ground me down to try again. It’s not worked as I just can’t forgive, so now it feels like we’re going through the same heartache again. I keep thinking I wish he had been one of those that just checked out of the relationship because now 18 months later I’d be over it all. But I don’t think you’re going to be able to get through it whilst living with him.

So weird as he's not checked out either. It's literally the same as before minus doing stuff as a couple. It's like wet housemates. He still chats with me about random stuff and invited me join him with some friend this weekend. It's like the affair never happened.

We're housemates, not wet housemates!

It seems like the ultimate head in the sand reaction, and if you're not going to push it or pull the trigger, he's just going to carry on with his life as normal.

I agree with @grassyknees , it needs to be you @planAplanB who starts making changes because he's not going to and it's not doing you any good waiting for him to make a decision that he's not going to make.

You say you've applied for a divorce, do you have a solicitor who is dealing with that?

He just doesn’t care.
just get on with divorce and stop wasting your life on this taker !

No solicitor yet. I was planning on filling out the form E myself

Also currently going through a divorce, sympathies OP, it's so tough and takes so much strength.

Mine behaved similarly before he moved out, although with him it was abuse (mental, emotional & physical) rather than infidelity.

What @PaininthePreferbial says really rings true. He's behaving this way so that he can DARVO the situation and change the narrative to make you the bad guy and him the victim.

But I know how much that lack of accountability and remorse really hurts and messes with your head. I've also wondered at times if I imagined it all.

Hang in there and use his behaviour as confirmation that you're doing the right thing.

It’s a tough pill to swallow but even after betraying you, he’s showing you clearly that he doesn’t care at all. If you don’t push for a separation I bet he’ll just carry on like normal

You need to know where you stand, speaking to a solicitor would be a good idea, knowledge is power. The more you have the stronger you'll feel

@Cryingatthegym I hope you'll be able to name change soon

Sorry that you are going through similar.
Yes, that's it... because the it's have 'calmed' down, I now look like the badie in going ahead with the separation. I feel guilty that I'm breaking up the family when actually it was him that had the 'forgotten' affair nearly 6 months ago.