6yo won't speak to her dad on the phone

[janiejonstone]

DH and I are in the process of divorcing. He's not yet moved out but works away most days each week. He's always been away a lot for work but it's now Sunday evening to Friday every week. He sees her over the weekend but now doesn't do any school dropoffs or bedtimes during the week (he used to do two of each). DD6 doesn't know what's happening yet but has been more and more upset on the days he leaves, there's a lot of crying and saying how much she's going to miss him. She's unsettled during the week (probably picking up the atmosphere that something isn't right). We've tried to increase the number of video messages and calls they have but in the last couple of weeks she's refused to watch them or talk to him, because she says it just makes her miss him more. I tried to insist today and she cried and said "please don't make me". I don't know what to do. I don't want to force her to talk to him but also I'm worried about the quality of relationship once he moves out and is here even less.

Is he calling her? My DCs dad used to work away a lot and we found that putting the power in their hands helped. Let her choose when to call him. Or if she tells you something exciting that's happened then ask her if she wants to call Dad and tell him all about it too. Forcing them to talk on the phone when they don't want to isn't going to make it a pleasant experience for anyone

This could be a good approach. Making it more causal and low key. Maybe she'd be happy to send a text or make a quick video about her day and send that. My DC rarely contact their dad during their time with me. He has them 2 nights a week. Because of how contacts scheduled they go nearly a week without seeing him but don't want to talk on the phone. They message him when something comes up they want to tell him or talk about. He messages if something happens like he sees their favourite YouTube show has a new episode or other little things. They call me more often, but still only occasionally when they're at their dads mostly if they're upset or distressed or want a new game download approved.

He needs to be home more for the sake of his daughter. Phone calls are no substitute. He's shying away from being a parent.

I agree, but that's a bigger issue that I don't have any control over.

Thanks both, my instinct is to make it more casual so this is helpful. He only has (apparently) very limited times when he's able to talk to her, so I'll get a message saying "can she speak now" and then I ask her and often she says no. She's also started to refuse to watch his video messages. But I guess it's early days and I'll try not to put too much pressure on her.

The quality of his relationship with his daughter is entirely down to your ex. Stop insisting she talks to him while he’s away. This is his issue to solve.

. I don't want to force her to talk to him but also I'm worried about the quality of relationship once he moves out and is here even less.
You're in the middle of a period of big changes for your DD over time things will become more normal to her and she.may be more able to do things like calls and videos. My youngest is slightly older and every handover early on he was crying and didn't want to leave the parent he'd been with, but the transitions are much. It's only been 13 months since XH moved out but they're adjusting to it and getting used to moving between two houses and it's not such a big deal anymore.

This period won't make or break their relationship, his attitude might, but you can't control that. Once she's adjusted to the split and the seperate homes to come and feeling more secure you can if you want do more to strengthen that relationship, but you're not responsible for their relationship. Now with so much going on you and her both have enough to cope with without you burdening yourself with responsibility about her relationship with a dad who won't even make two minutes to talk to his child outside the times he decides he's available.

My daughter was a similar age when her dad upped and left.

What's the plan for when the divorce is finalised and he moves out? If he works away now presumably he will have every other weekend contact?

Could she send him WhatsApp voice notes or short videos when she wants? Also can the focus be her choice? 'Daddy look at this cool tower I built/shiny rock I found' might be easier than 'big' news about her day.

please don't make me

Listen to her. Your 6 year old doesn't want to. Now you see that through adult eyes and try to analyse and change the behaviour but honestly, she is just a young child and if she isn't comfortable with phone/video calls she should not be made to do them. The quality of their relationship doesn't depend on phone calls, it's about what he does when, snd how often he is, present.

I wouldn't be making her either

You are forcing the decision of one (or both of you) to break up your family on her - at the end of the day she will be the one suffering the greatest emotional and physical consequences

When I split from exDH and he moved far away we tried to do video calls with my son for a while, it didn’t go well. 6 year olds aren’t socially developed enough to keep up an awkward conversation face to face, let alone through a flat screen.

i noticed the same as you, my son found it difficult to chat on demand to a phone and became more and more reluctant, so we stopped. Hes now 11, he sees his dad EOW and he loves him dearly. Now he is older he sometimes asks me to send his dad a message or a video, and they voice chat while playing a game together on the switch (in different towns). I expect when my son gets his own phone soon he’ll have a text dialogue with his dad.

i know you want the best for her and you know how important a good relationship with her dad is, but you can’t make that happen through phone calls at this age