Hi all,
I just wanted to share my experience of family court on here for others, as when I was at the beginning of the journey I would often look on here for other peoples experiences, so I could prepare myself for what to expect.
I separated from my husband in June 2023. We'd been together for 14 years and many of them were happy. The last couple of years though things changed after I had changed job roles from working in a female dominated profession, to a male dominated one. He became insecure, telling me I shouldn't want to see my friends and he should be enough for me. I was not allowed to see a personal trainer anymore. I could never mention anyone from work who was a male. He would always make me feel I was not a good enough mother because I worked and he would do the school run, as he worked from home. It always felt that I should be grateful he looks after our children and that childcare was my burden not his. We spent less time together, with him constantly attached to his computer. I felt he snapped at me and I could do nothing right. All of this led up to me deciding I wanted a divorce.
When I told him I wanted to separate I said to him I was happy to do 50/50 with our two girls, because I didn't want him to feel me leaving him meant I was taking the children away from him. He was never the most active dad, to take them out and do things with them but the girls loved him. He was good at being the playful parent, who is silly and plays games. My main concern was they felt safe and loved by him, which they did at the time.
The week I left him, an incident happened where I feared for my safety from him, that I fled to my mums. His behaviour creeped me out, I panicked that he was tracking my car and he wouldn't leave me alone. He kept attending my friend's address and saying awful things about me that in her words she described him as psycho and told me i'd done the right thing to leave. He called my mum and warned her I will see another side to him. I regretted not contacting the police at the time, but stupidly I told myself he wasn't in his right mind, he would get better, he just needed time and I would have felt guilt if he had been arrested and got bail conditions to not contact me or the kids. At this point I wasn't concerned about the girls so I did not want that. I confronted him about the incident via text but was met with complete denial.
From June to December every week the girls were in my care they would come back and tell me the horrible things he had been saying about me. They were 6 and 9 at the time and were being told i'm a narcissistic bitch who never cared for them, he did everything and I did nothing. They were shown my whatsapp picture of me and my friend and told I care more for my friends than them. They were told i'm putting on an act and I don't love them and I will leave them. He threatened to move back to his home town 2 hours away and take them with him and when they asked 'what about mummy?' he said he didn't care, it's not his problem. After this I spoke to a solicitor in the August and she recommended I write everything down in a diary. She said I could make a court application to prevent him taking the girls, but I just did not have the funds for this. So each week I would drop them back not knowing if he would be true to his threat, it was awful.
During all of this he remained in our home with everything. I stupidly continued to pay my half of the mortgage. I had left with some of my clothes, he had all the girls toys and furniture. I was staying at my mums, sharing a double bed with one of the girls and the other on a camp bed. In the September he invited me over to discuss him paying my half of the mortgage. I was greeted to bin bags of my belongings piled high. He then told me he will always have feelings for me and that I need to remember he knows what my vagina looks like. I felt so uncomfortable and didn't know what to say. Within minutes he then told me he has met someone, she is one of the school mums and he wishes to move her and her kids in our house. I was gobsmacked. I didn't care he was in a relationship but I cared he was attempting to move her in with no consideration on the impact for our girls, plus the fact I was forced out of that house, I still owned half of it and all our possessions were still in it. The girls had only met her twice. I told him I did not agree and left with the girls upset where I drove to my friends to speak with her. I then got my solicitor to write a letter to say I do not consent. I sent him a message saying let's get the house sold and then move in with her where it's neutral ground for the girls.
From Sept to Dec my eldest kept expressing a want to stay with me. She didn't want to return to him and kept saying things like she doesn't love him and he doesn't love her. She said he was grumpy and mean but when his partner visited he would put on an act. He continued to say horrible things about me and when my eldest would tell him to stop he would ignore her. I confronted him so many times on his behaviour, always met with denial or told the kids have got it wrong. It messed with my head so much because he would put on this act of being nice and reasonable but I knew the things he was truly saying and doing. A man I had known for 14 years I could no longer trust and that hurt.
In Dec my daughter told me he had dragged her to the floor in temper and threatened to treat her how his abusive father treated him. She begged me not to go back. It was the last straw. I'd had enough and knew I needed to do something, so I reported it to the police. The couple of weeks over Christmas and New Year were nerve racking. I kept the girls and was scared he would find us. I had the police take a statement and during that they asked me if there had been any other concerning behaviour from him. I told them about his behaviour when I first left him and the incident which made me flee, so they took a separate statement for this. He was arrested a few weeks later and given bail not to contact me or the girls. Social services weren't interested as I had appropriately safeguarded the girls and I was told to take the matter through family court. So in the January I applied through my solicitor.
Court timeline:
Jan - Applied to family court
Feb - Spoke with Cafcass (court social workers), we had the first hearing where they submitted a letter to say they could not recommend he has any form of contact with the girls at present until a fact finding hearing is undertaken.
April - Another hearing where statements and evidence was submitted. He pushed to see them but it was denied. I offered for him to be able to send them letters every two weeks which they agreed.
June - Fact finding hearing where we took one allegation forward and that was my eldest daughter's, where he dragged her to the floor.
August - Cafcass interview of me, the girls and him undertaken for a section 7 report.
Sept - Awaiting this report, but Cafcass have advised they would like to do a slow increased contact plan with him as my eldest daughter is very reluctant to see him. So it will be letters, messages, face time and then supervised visits.
Advice for those just starting the process:
This is one of the hardest things I have ever gone through. The emotions you feel and the stress will be intense. Its a mixed bag of feeling relief the children are with you safe, to guilt that the other parent is not seeing them, to worrying when they see them will it be different, to questioning whether you got all this wrong or have you done the right thing, to feeling anger, hurt, disappointment and sadness. On those hard days though, you have got to remember you are strong enough to get through it and you are doing it for your babies.
When first applying to court, check and proofread absolutely everything the solicitor sends to you. There is a lot of paperwork. Make sure it matches your evidence, timings are correct and wording is consistent. The reason I say this is because his barrister/solicitor will go through it with a fine tooth comb to find any inconsistencies to discredit you and make the court question the truth. Make sure your statements are consistent throughout.
Be prepared for him to lie, gaslight, twist the truth and do anything but admit the truth. He has attempted to play the mental health card, saying he is worried for me and telling the court I have regular meltdowns. He brought up my self-harm in adolescence to try to give this more credit. Ultimately he had nothing evidence wise and he never raised these concerns before I applied to court and was happy to co-parent 50/50, so he just looks an idiot doing it.
They will be on the attack, because you had the audacity to stick up to them and not let the abuse continue through your children. As hard as it is, every time you read a statement they have submitted to the court, try not to let it get to you. This is harder said than done. Be prepared for laughable and hurtful reading.
Always put the interests of your children first and show that to the court. As hard as that is because I would love nothing more than for him to disappear into thin air, the courts will eventually agree to some kind of contact and you need to be prepared for this. I made the effort of taking an easter card into the court my youngest had made him, to discredit his claims that I am this psycho who made this all up and who is jealous of his relationship with his children. I was the one to suggest he can do letters with them.
Any evidence submitted to the court, if this be documentation from other professionals such as police, make sure you read it all through before the fact finding hearing. Any documents submitted to the court as evidence, you have a right to see, as well as he does. I was able to view my daughter's police interview and his before the fact finding hearing. What I did not realise is I should have seen was all the police documentation disclosed and my statements to the police. On the day of the fact finding hearing I was shocked when his barrister was making me read sections of the police documents that I hadn't seen. This left me unprepared.
Be prepared that his barrister will try to make you feel like you're a liar and a bad parent. I had over an hour of cross examination at the fact finding hearing and it was awful. I believed that because we only took my eldest daughter's allegation forward that they could only stick to that but that is not the case. I was told i'm jealous of his new relationship, i'm doing this for maintenance, i'm a liar about experiencing emotional abuse from him and I lied about the incident where I fled to my mothers, I only reported it to the police to give my court application more clout, i'm clearly not frightened of him because I attended the house to speak with him. It went on and on. I felt helpless and hurt I was being put through that when all I was doing was trying to safeguard the children. They will say and use anything to throw dirt at you to muddy the waters. It absolutely sucks and still angers me. My daughter did so well speaking to the police, they said how articulate and consistent she was throughout when they spoke with her. However because she did not cry during her recorded interview, his barrister claimed she is lying. Unfortunately the magistrates felt this was valid which infuriated me as they hadn't seen her crying in her bed, asking me why can he not be the dad she loved. It was not enough that she gave detail and was always consistent, his barrister had done the job to make them question whether my daughter had made it up and so because it could not be proven they said it did not happen.
Be prepared for it to be a long day at court for the fact finding hearing, for me it started at 10 and ended at 6. You won't be allowed to take someone in the court with you, but they are able to stay in the waiting area. It's good to have someone there when they break for lunch for support.
If there are multiple allegations to take to the fact finding hearing, never feel pressured by his barrister to drop any. It is your choice to take what you think is relevant. Stupidly I was so desperate for him to make some admission to his behaviour, that when his barrister had put forward to me in the April that if I only took my daughters allegation forward to the fact finding hearing, he would make some admission to bad mouthing me to the girls, i agreed. Unfortunately he didn't admit it and instead made out they must of over heard him on the phone. I felt an idiot at the fact finding hearing because it prevented my barrister questioning him on his emotional abuse towards the children, which I feel would have shown the escalation in his behaviour leading up to my daughters assault.
If you have experienced domestic abuse from your ex, do not be frightened to request for special measures in the court. I did and it was a relief not to have to see him in the court because they put a screen between you and you enter/leave at different times. Reach out to domestic abuse services in your area for support. I've only just done this and wished I had sooner. They can provide emotional support during this period and allocate a worker who can attend court with you if needed.
If you have a barrister, do not worry about having to speak in court. They will speak on your behalf. The only exception to this is during the fact finding hearing, when being cross examined by his barrister.
In regard to costs, expect it to be in the thousands. I'm currently at £14000 and it's not finished yet. It's gutting because if he'd been a decent father and human being that money would have gone to providing a home for the girls, but I had no option, I had to protect them.
If you have any other questions, please feel free to ask.