Extra curricular activities when divorced.

[Mulledmead]

Hello. Not really sure where to put this, but just want to guage what is 'normal' or what would be reasonable. I would like to preface this by saying I know this is a privileged position to be in and I realise I am very lucky to be even asking this question when many go without.

I am divorced and have two primary age kids. They are with me 60% of the time and their dad pays more or less the quoted amount on the CMS calculator.
We are amicable, although he does not actively communicate unless it's necessary so having an ongoing dialogue about anything has to be driven by me.
I grew up enjoying clubs and activities and want my kids to experience the same. He did far fewer clubs which may be relevant.
Currently both kids do swimming lessons, one other sport or activity and the older child has just started music lessons.
I pay for all the activities as I have been the driving force in arranging them (although he does his share of driving to the activities if they fall on his day). My question is whether he should be paying a proportion towards the activities in addition to maintenance, or whether I should be paying for all. Financially it's just about manageable, but the cost of clubs is over half the maintenance I receive.
My thoughts was to ask him if he would cover at least one child's swimming lessons (these we mutually agree are essential and they fall on his day) and I cover the rest?

So if you are in a similar situation tell me how it works for you, or if you think I should just accept it comes out of maintenance that is also helpful to hear. If we were still together we would've mutually discussed affordability and logistics and it's unlikely he would've vetoed activities if we were together.

Just to add we are on similar wages so there is no massive discrepancy there. Average UK earners. In terms of other financials he buys essentials for the kids at his and they have adequate clothing there (some new, some hand-me-downs) and we take it in turns for school shoes. I tend to buy the bulk of uniform and he will top up as he needs.

The only opinion that will matter here is his. You need to approach him and see what can be agreed. Before you do so think about the following.

Although you have similar salaries, the pertinent comparison is net income. Potentially as the resident parent you have a similar salary net of deductions but you also receive other income, child support and any benefits. He will be paying out c16% for child support. It is very likely you have a higher income. But you potentially have higher costs. But you need to appreciate that his costs may not that much less than yours. Leaving him with less disposable income.

Cost wise you are on 60:40 co parenting arrangement. Your highest outgoings are housing and bills. These are broadly fixed whether you have the kids 3 nights or 4 nights.

Any agreement needs to have limits. He should only be asked to co fund something he has agreed to. Or you jointly agree a budget for such things.

But if he doesn’t agree then you have no recourse but to not sign up or pay it yourself.

All the MN he shoulds in the world won’t change his mind or get you anywhere with him.

Thank you, that is very helpful grounded advice. He is probably on c. £8k more than me and has a partner who will share housing costs/bills whereas I live alone, but you're right. His maintenance payments to me will be a decent proportion of his monthly outgoings.
Talking finances has never been that easy so I turned to Mumsnet just to try to guage what is within the realms of normal. I know I can't compel him to do anything and to be honest I don't want to rock the boat too much.
But, as a side point, the maintenance he pays hasn't changed since we divorced 4 years ago and I know his salary will have increased in that time. He would never offer to review maintenance (see previous point re: communication) so it's possible that this is what's driving the thinking around whether he should/could contribute more to clubs. His strategy of not proactively talking about anything puts the onus on me to raise things, which in turn makes me feel like the bad guy. Also don't have any divorced friends in real-life to give relevant advice!
Fully accept that I perhaps need to just be more assertive!

Suggesting a mediation session might be the starting point. The assertive version is asking for a mediation session and being clear about what is in scope.

The important thing to always agree on is what you both jointly want for the children. Then working out what you can do jointly to make that happen. There are other even bigger ticket items that will start to emerge ad they get older. School trips become skiing holidays that cost stupid money. Then it’s cars and driving lessons.

You certainly need to be clear as to whether he is paying the right amount. Your first post states it’s inline with the CMS calculator but your second implies this is out of date because his salary has gone up. So it won’t be in line with the calculator which can be inaccurate anyway.

ultimately if you want him to pay more for these then you need to discuss what the children do re clubs before signing them up. You can’t just sign them up and expect him to pay,

but it’s reasonable to discuss what clubs you’d both like them to do ( and which ones the children want to do) and agree how this is funded.