Told him in July... what now?

[GlassHalfFull10]

A few weeks ago, I told my husband it was over. Unfortunately he was not on the same page and it's been a grim period of begging, crying, anger, moods, being nice... all of it. We haven't told the children yet as my daughter has an exam this week, although they aren't idiots and it's not a good environment for them to be in.

He has essentially said that as this is what I want, he will be as difficult as possible about literally everything and I can 'do it all'. We've split the childcare 50/50 which he absolutely hates as he's realised he won't be able to do all of things he usually does and is putting barriers up for any time he has them. Also saying things about it in front of the kids in a negative way, causing upset, so I end up saying I will take one of them to whatever it is or be at home.

We can't get another property. I will get ours valued this week and then at least will know what we are looking at in terms of equity.

What else, should I get a mediator? He's already said things like 'you're surely not going to go after my pension' and 'I'll split the house and you're not getting your hands on anything else'.

I feel overwhelmed, he's so difficult.

First of all you can do your own divorce online for £600 on gov.uk. There is an enforced 20 week cooling off period so get that started asap. The person who starts it has control over the process so worth doing it yourself. The divorce part is separate to childcare and financials and you will need outside help for that. Do not apply for the final order until the financials have been agreed by the court.

Second of all, pay for a one off consultation with a family solicitor to find out your rights. It is different for everyone. Make a list of questions you wish to ask before going otherwise it will be an expensive waffle. In the meantime start collecting information. At some point you will both need to fill in a Form E each, you can download it from gov.uk. There are YouTube videos explaining how to fill in each part as it is very long, but most people won't need to fill it all in.

The cheapest way is amicably between you both, then mediation, then solicitors, then court. You have to do mediation before court though.

Start learning the art of grey rocking, refusing to cook/clean for him, and insisting on him doing his share of the childcare. 50/50 means you can't claim money towards looking after the children so he needs to learn what going after 50/50 actually entails. This includes him doing their laundry, cooking their meals/food shopping, school runs, sickness, homework. The whole bloody lot. If you are under one roof then do one week on, one week off. No deviations.

That's really helpful, thank you! I did see a lawyer but it's all so hypothetical until he agrees to certain things, which he won't.

He is now learning what 50/50 might look like and I am pretty sure it's come as a very big shock.

I told mine in March and in July and still here so can't really help but I am moving out for at least two months soon (AirBnb) just to force the matter. He is very resistant so I will be applying for a divorce. I've already had a freebie consultation with a solicitor but will be speaking with one again and if it ends up with mediation then that's just what I'll have to do. I don't want to 'go after' anything but do want to ensure I have what I'm entitled to...he has been very adamant he doesn't want another mortgage for example, but also wants to stay in the house and he can't have it both ways! I'm happy to move out but he'll need to buy me out. It would be more practical if I stayed and I can get a mortgage to do this but would need him to agree.