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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Difficult / narcissistic ex

6 replies

LaylaSun77 · 08/09/2024 23:35

im wondering if anyone else is going through a similar situation or has any wise words of wisdom.. my ex husband and I have been separated for 6 years - divorced for 5 years. There was a lot of very unreasonable behaviour and I was at the end of my tether towards the end of the marriage, I had no option but to end it. We have two children together who are now age 12 and 9. The ex continues to be difficult, resentful and completely alienates me when he has the children, not facilitating phone calls with me and telling me not to come to his house etc yet when I have the kids he calls when he likes. He has brought 3 court cases against me, each time trying to get more time with the children. We have a contact order in place- at first he had the children 5 nights in 14, then it went up to 6 in 14. The arrangement doesn’t work well. items of clothing , school books etc are always being left at his house and the kids are left without them as he doesn’t bother returning them… he is very unreliable when it comes to taking the kids to their sporting activities and out with their friends… they won’t say a bad thing about their dad and I have tried to pick up the slack where I can. I am run ragged trying to make sure they’re looked after and trying to squeeze doctors appointments , homeworks , socialising etc in to the time I have them. I feel that I over compensate and go above and beyond to give them everything, but still they would tell me how wonderful their dad is and I don’t feel I get the acknowledgement or appreciation that he does. I don’t mind that most of the time but sometimes it can hurt. I met a new partner about 4 years ago- we now have a baby and this relationship is very happy. The 5 of us live together in a blended family and we all have a good relationship. I did not plan to meet someone else so soon after we split but it happened. My ex resents him and resents me and seems to be hell bent on making our lives difficult. Because the children have not been taught by their dad to respect their mum (in fact they have witnessed him disrespect and argue with me or completely ignore me on a regular basis I feel that they sometimes follow his lead and blame me for things. I am finding it all very difficult. Family and friends keep telling me that when they are older they will see things more clearly but I don’t know if that’s true. Has anyone been in this situation and is now out the other side of it with grown up children? Co- parenting / parallel parenting with someone who is so difficult really takes its toll. I feel very stressed on a daily basis about it all and it feels like it will never end. He seems to want to control every aspect of their lives and they seem to allow it. It’s very hard to sit by and watch and feel so helpless.

OP posts:
BookArt · 14/09/2024 06:26

In your court order is there an agreement on how many phone calls a week? My states three and says the times and days.

I would also suggest a parenting app, like Our Family Wizard. You can turn notifications off which has been a life saver for me.

I recently did some counselling regarding my son who is just 5. The counsellor said how I let my ex treat me is modelling to the children what is okay and will form what they feel is okay in relationships as they become older. So if he's rude on the video calls I hang up and I say to him he can't speak to me rudely. He does not talk to me at handover so I say hello and goodbye (court ordered Co parenting course tells you to do this for the kids) . If he is rude in any way I walk away immediately.

What I have found helpful is talking about these things without mentioning their dad. Using hypotheticals with friends, 'what would you do if your friend...' or watching a movie or cartoon with something similar happening in it, books have been great. I know yours are older. Because actually my 5 year old does know right from wrong but I am experiencing the same, he treats me how he sees his dad treat me.

I also completely understand over compensating, however just because your kids get to do everything doesn't mean they are getting a good deal as their mum is burnt out. Take stock of what you are doing on your time and let some things fall off your plate. The kids need time at home with you, quality time. Movie night with popcorn etc and talking about the film, laughing together may be more of the connection they need. Socialising with just you is a must.

Lastly, document everything. If needed take him back to court if you have evidence. Or seek solicitor advice.

With the school items being left at his... Emphasise might need to start being out on your children. Especially with your eldest being at secondary. They need to pack their stuff. I know one parent who photographed everything laid out of the bed before the kids left sot he kids could use the photo to pack everything when they were coming back.

Feel for you!

LaylaSun77 · 02/10/2024 23:10

Thank you so much BookArt. These are really great tips that I will take forward.

OP posts:
OfTheNight · 03/10/2024 07:25

It’s so tough. My ex is also totally narcissistic. It is impossible to communicate with him. He manipulates DS into feeling sorry for him and it’s utterly infuriating.

I can never stick up for myself or point out that he’s made a mistake. I get hundreds of emails telling me I’m in the wrong about everything and that I’m a terrible mum. We are supposed to be using Our Family Wizard but he won’t. All he does is threaten to take me to court - no idea what for.

I don’t have any advice but I’m sorry you’re having to go through it because it’s horrible. I keep hoping it’ll stop but it doesn’t. Lots of my friends and family say that when DS is older he’ll realise but like you, I’m not sure.

BookArt · 04/10/2024 19:35

OfTheNight · 03/10/2024 07:25

It’s so tough. My ex is also totally narcissistic. It is impossible to communicate with him. He manipulates DS into feeling sorry for him and it’s utterly infuriating.

I can never stick up for myself or point out that he’s made a mistake. I get hundreds of emails telling me I’m in the wrong about everything and that I’m a terrible mum. We are supposed to be using Our Family Wizard but he won’t. All he does is threaten to take me to court - no idea what for.

I don’t have any advice but I’m sorry you’re having to go through it because it’s horrible. I keep hoping it’ll stop but it doesn’t. Lots of my friends and family say that when DS is older he’ll realise but like you, I’m not sure.

Look into the 'grey rock' method. Works for me.

My ex refused the app at first. So I sent him one last email saying moving forward everything would be via Our Family Wizard and I would then be blocking him on everything. And I did follow through.

You have to put the boundaries in, you need to stick to them. Because they will never respect your boundaries.

LaylaSun77 · 04/10/2024 23:44

BookArt · 04/10/2024 19:35

Look into the 'grey rock' method. Works for me.

My ex refused the app at first. So I sent him one last email saying moving forward everything would be via Our Family Wizard and I would then be blocking him on everything. And I did follow through.

You have to put the boundaries in, you need to stick to them. Because they will never respect your boundaries.

Thank you. I am based in NI. We don’t have the Family Wizard app unfortunately and the courts here do not seem to be bothered about parental communication. Mediation is not a requirement either. Here, in contact cases, it seems all about what the children say they want. The children will go along with him, because he makes them. I have sought legal advice and been told that effectively there is nothing I can do where he fails to adhere to the court order regarding contact phone calls. I have just looked up the grey rock method. Thank you- it’s very interesting. The problem is that because of co- parenting I do need to have some communication. He pretty much refuses to speak to me. Maybe if I just give up completely it will help matters . Thank you.

OP posts:
LaylaSun77 · 04/10/2024 23:45

BookArt · 04/10/2024 19:35

Look into the 'grey rock' method. Works for me.

My ex refused the app at first. So I sent him one last email saying moving forward everything would be via Our Family Wizard and I would then be blocking him on everything. And I did follow through.

You have to put the boundaries in, you need to stick to them. Because they will never respect your boundaries.

Ah sorry- I have seen your post was in response to someone else’s post- that makes sense ☺️

OP posts:
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