Telling Children about Grandparent's Divorce

[roava]

Please respond without judgment 😔

I'm married with 2 kids (7 and 11) and my parents have got divorced following my mums affair with another man. I am truly heartbroken that she has done this. My husband is indian and fairly religious. This is the first divorce he has ever been exposed to. He is very keen to protect the children from the whole thing and at this point they are not aware.

My mum has started a new life with this other man and to be honest if it wasn't for the kids I'd be having nothing to do with her but they idolise her.

They've now gone from going to nannies house all the time to nanny coming here once a fortnight for a few hours because that's the only time she can fit us in (think Bridget Jones mum when she gets with the orange TV man). How do I tell they why they aren't going to nanny's house any more? They keep asking... my husband thinks they are too young to understand the true concept of divorce and can't see any benefit in telling them at all. I think they will be absolutely crushed to find out the person they idolise has left grandad and I can't even think of a reason to soften the blow.

What should I do? The eldest is the one most likely to struggle with the news

You tell them the truth, in an age appropriate way.

Nanny and grandad no longer love each other and have decided to live apart. This sometimes happens with two grown ups and it is nothing for you to worry about. Nanny and grandad still love you very much and that will never change.

Never judge another person's marriage OP, you have NO idea of what happens behind closed doors.

Your husband must live on another planet if he thinks a 7 year old and an 11 year old are too young to understand what divorce is. They have friends, they go to school, they watch TV, they read books, yes?

Please tell them the actual truth.

My dad's parents split up when I was about 8. My parents lied to us about it and it totally screwed with my head.

Your children can understand the facts that although when people get married they intend to be together forever, sometimes it doesn't work out that way. They will have school friends whose parents are divorced. They don't need shielding from the facts of the divorce.

They don't need to know who cheated on who, they may not really understand what marital infidelity is. That's too much detail.

You can explain that when they married they promised to always put eachother first but they've realised they can't stick to that any more.

Your children will probaby want reassurance that there's no immediate prospect of you and DH doing likewise. Don't avoid that question.

Tell them the truth (age appropriately). This happened to my parents 2 years ago. I was honest with the dc (older than yours), they took it in their stride. Dc3 actually said I'm glad you told me the truth because not knowing was making me worry more. They'll know something is wrong and could be making all sorts up in their head.
Also be kind to yourself, if you don't want to see mum for a bit that's OK. Your husband could facilitate, or all just have a break. You also need to process what's happened (your husband accepting it will help you all process it).

Just tell them in a matter of fact way. Granny & Grandad have decided to separate & they will live in different houses. There is no need for dramatics. I'm sure your kids have a few friends at school with divorced parents, so it's not an alien concept.

OP, gently, this is more devastating for you then for your children.

Your children are too young to know the details so to them it is just a factual thing to them that their grandparents, your parents, have split up. This what other children in their class will have. Some children in their class will have more grandparents due to having step-grandparents.

However as an adult it is devastating for you to know that some of what you thought you knew about your parents relationship as a child and as an adult was a complete lie.

Tell your children the age appropriate truth, and take care of yourself.