Childcare

[Mylife111]

Recently separated (well going through the legal process at the moment) have 3 DC, 15, 11 & 10. ExH living 5mins away. The intent was to have shared custody but I knew that was never going to be the case in reality as he randomly works long hours (self employed so sometimes he’s going to work at 6am while next day it could be 10am). In the 6 weeks since he’s moved out he’s had the youngest stay 3 times & that’s predominantly because she asked & asked (begged). He’s not asked the other 2 to stay over & they’ve not looked to & to be honest they don’t want to leave their home comforts. He does see them though every day either by collecting them from school/bringing to activities. I WFH so if it suits him to collect them he will & if it doesn’t I’m always here anyways. I have to go away on a work trip in the next couple of weeks for 4 days. ExH is aware of this & will look after the kids while I’m gone but the thing is he’ll be looking after them in my house mainly because the older 2 don’t want to stay at his. He has made zero provisions to entice them over to his (they say there is nothing to do there, it’s boring). What do people think, should the kids be staying at his while I’m away or is it completely acceptable that he moves back in for the 4 days while I’m away (I’ll have approx 4 trips/yr where I’ll have these trips).

I assume that home comforts is stuff like a games console, kitchen stocked with snacks etc
Is your ex likely to sort things out in the near future ?

Legally over 12s would be allowed to say that they will never want overnight contact at dad’s house and be allowed to avoid that. Could you really force contact at dad’s house? My 15 year olds would have begged to stay home alone and would have been fine. (11 is obviously way too young ) If you said stay at dad’s, are they realistically going to spend 4 days coming back to yours for stuff and returning to dad’s for meals and bed because that’s what mine would do.

How does ex feel about staying at yours ? I reckon that this arrangement will only work while you are both single and that a new partner could end this arrangement.

If you've only recently separated is it his house too or were you not married and you bought it prior to getting together?

If it's both of your house then I don't see the problem with him staying there, as presumably he could live there if he wanted to anyway, and if the kids would prefer to be there then that is the most important thing.

It's difficult to make a new home feel like home for the children if they don't spend much time there and I imagine it's more familiarity rather than home comforts that feels important for them. Presumably they could take most things they wanted with them if they did want to spend time there.

Personally I’d let him stay at yours as it makes it easier for the kids

His kids, they stay at his.

At the moment he gets the best of both worlds, and isn't stepping up at all.

Where is he living? Are you in the fmh with all their stuff? If so it’s understandable they prefer it there and he hasn’t got sorted,. It’s only been 6 weeks.

is he renting ? What’s the plan longer term ?